Arguing with people

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Hi.. I am new here. I have been diagnosed with ASD (Level 1) as a 25 yr old female.

I kind of wanted to ask some people who understand this disorder about conflict with others. I find that when someone does something hurtful towards me, or makes an uneducated statement/assumption about a topic I'm knowledgeable about, I go into this compulsive mode where I feel I have to correct them.

It often starts arguments or causes tension, and while I am not aggressive, I always feel like I have to follow through with logic and morality "for the greater good". I could debate someone into the ground if they kept arguing and I knew that I was right or had a point to prove.

I'm torn because I want to stop arguing with people but at the same time I feel like I would not be true to myself if I didn't take up the challenge of "getting to the truth" in these situations.

What do you think? Do you have this problem? How do you deal with it?

Since being right ultimately proves to not be enough, I have had to learn to discern whether I am "getting to the truth" merely for my own sake in some way or truly trying to be helpful to someone else...and the deciding factor almost always breaks down to whether or not someone has asked.

I'm like this as well but I've found that over the years I've git better and now just let people be wrong. It depends what kind of things you're arguing about really but I find people often believe common misconceptions and believe what they learn from television and movies. Over time I grew to realise two things...one is that these people rarely change their opinion on things no matter what you tell them so you're just wasting your time, and secondly that people just want to have something to talk about and that's more important to them that what they're saying being correct because the conversation itself and the interaction with others is what counts, that's their ultimate aim. So now when I hear people say an undercover cop pulling them for speeding is entrapment, or Napoleon was short, the Great Wall of China can be seen from space and so on I just let them talk. If they're still talking after 5 minutes I might inject that they're wrong and just leave it at that.

I think this is very wise. I just don't know how to have a conversation with people if they say something and I am supposed to respond on the same topic, but all I can think to say is something over-analytical or to the contrary. I've been bullied in the workplace because of this trait...perhaps I should become a mute

How do you handle situations where someone you personally engage in conversation makes a claim that you, to the best of your knowledge, understand to be wrong?
Do you let them be wrong and change topic?

I was very much like the original poster when I was in my 20s, and even into my mid-30s. I don't know that I'm necessarily wiser now, but I can say for sure that I don't have the mental energy for lengthy, sustained arguments anymore. When I was younger, I'd sometimes write (multiple) 10+ page letters rebutting something that I knew to be incorrect. If it's a topic where I knew what I was talking about, I simply would not back down; I'd invest untold hours in researching and presenting my case.

Now even a paragraph's worth of argumentation on social media wears me down mentally and leaves me in a foul mood that can last all day. As someone else said, the probability that you're going to change someone's mind by presenting factual data (especially in online debates) is practically zero.

I pick my battles far more carefully than I used to, for the sake of my own mental health.

My own goal is to be true to my own feelings, beliefs, and opinions, while being respectful of other people's right to their own viewpoints.

Sometimes I enjoy a good debate, in an effort to foster better understanding on both sides, but other times it seems pointless and I can't be bothered.

I also feel the need to correct people who are wrong, or being unjust because of poor logic or a misconception. This is often against my mother, who enjoys having power over the family and punishing her children to show her power. I argue with her if she is deliberately twisting somebody's motive or poorly reconstructing a situation so that she can punish them unjustly. She knows that my skills at winning an argument through logic allow me to beat her, so she refuses to talk about it and changes the topic, and I get upset that I was not able to follow through the logic to show her where she is wrong. I know that it's probably stupid to want to debate the smallest things, but my motive is to save myself and others from unjust punishment.

Sometimes if I'm in shutdown or otherwise tired/upset, I am more apathetic and don't do anything, and then I feel guilty. I also feel angry at my mother for necessitating that a minor to be in a position of moderating her tendency to undeserved punishment.

In clarification, I am completely calm in these debates/arguments, and never aggressive or disrespectful to the other party. Outside of the house, I am very quiet, and meek, so I don't really do this.

That depends on how the person tends to react. In general, I've learned to use a calm tone and say something like, "Oh OK, I learned about that differently," and show where I got my info if I can. People have told me that I'm argumentative, so this is how I've tried to improve. Also, if someone is emotionally ranting, I've learned to not even try, at least sometimes, and just let them rant. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll return the favor and let me rant on something another time LOL.

At least you aren't doing them a disservice of being dishonest. Facts are important and if you give them the knowledge they are no longer spreading ignorance. I am also a blunt instrument, but the beforehand statement assures me it's for a good reason.

The question you should be asking yourself should be is arguing worth it?

Sometimes it really isn't people sometimes say things about a particular topic in hopes that it will be seen by others as something insightful or be approved of by someone else. Their intention is more often not to create a debate. That just wears down people, puts them on the defensive and makes them annoyed with you. People also don't like to be made to made to look inferior or stupid by others it can humiliate them. Sometimes people just don't deserve you spouting the truth it doesn't accomplish anything only hurts others feelings.

But then again being argumentative can be good. It is one of the ways I can end up creating a conversation with others. I debate people on just anything to do with politics and history. And sometimes that can be open the door to social interaction. Depending on how open minded someone is you also may be able to change their perspective.

I was more argumentative in the past than I am now. As a people-watcher and someone who usually listens on in group conversations, I feel I understand 'types' of personalities better, as in who is looking to fight, and who is mature enough to listen to the opinions on the other side. I spend a great deal of time thinking about people in general (odd, I know!) and I hate confrontations so much that these days it is imperative for me to be on high alert for toxic individuals. If someone does attempt to pull me into a confrontation, my default mode is to be polite, neutral and leave them to their drama.

It depends what it is and the context. If it's the kind of thing I mentioned above then I might just matter of factly mention they are wrong, maybe briefly explain why and leave it at that. If they go on further and insist they are right I'll tell them to google it, or google myself and send them some links.

If it's something important like at work and the argument actually matters then it's different I'll fight tooth and nail to get my point across but again I've learned that if it's in a group and the majority seem to side with the other person (who is wrong) and you can see they won't be swayed then again sometimes you have to just let it slide. Then if it goes wrong remember to remind people that you told them so

I used to do this a lot but now it seems the pendulum has swung to the opposite extreme. The moment anyone says anything that I would disagree with, or says anything that hints that they may disagree with something I've said, I shut down completely and won't say another word.

I think I had too much conflict and argument in my first marriage and with my sons and now I don't ever want to argue with anyone. Instead I shrink into myself and pretend nobody said anything.

I'm too anxious to do it because I am afraid of confrontations and I want to get along with people and not make enemies and I hate fights and drama and my mom gets defensive. I guess my anxiety comes into play here so that makes it a hell lot easier for me. But when I was young I used to do it a lot because I wasn't afraid then and I didn't know I came off as argumentative and I have gotten more anxious socially over the past few years because I had no idea how things come off to others so any accusation makes me anxious in the future. But I still wish I ad said this or that and I have every right to express my opinion and everyone else shouldn't express theirs and I take it in and can't share mine. How fair is that?

I'm almost 42 and I still do this. That's one good thing about understanding myself as autistic. It gives me some grounding from which to deal with the intense emotions around it. I'm not saying that because I'm autistic, I should just shut up. But I am saying that understanding that I have a disorder that involves hyper-focus, and that other people don't have the same drive to be precise that I do, gives me a place from which to forgive the situation and move on. I can simply understand that they are not able to process the truth, or that I am being rigid and not seeing that they have a point. And I can forgive us both and move on... most of the time. It's HARD! Don't let anyone tell you that this is a no-brainer and that by your mid-20's you "should" be over it. It's a lifetime discipline for some of us.

One thing about autistics is that there are a bunch of different types of us. So, one challenge with coming on boards like this one is that when you state you have a hard time with something, some people will totally relate and other people are the opposite type of autistic, and they won't get it at all.