The LFNT in the room

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I'm feeling the need to take a break from WP for a while, but wanted to say something before I go.

It's been nearly five years since my Asperger's diagnosis, and I want to thank everyone here on WP, for helping me to understand my issues, learn to cope with my symptoms, and work on my social skills, in the context of being a member of this forum.

But five years later, I am at a point where I have to acknowledge that the autism label is not doing me any good. It has not helped me to be any more successful in my real-life social interactions, as the general public tends to see Asperger's as a 'trendy fad diagnosis', and not a serious problem.

It also has not helped me to gain a sense of belonging here on WP - one of the few places in the world, where a newly-diagnosed autistic ought to be able to find acceptance.

And I don't blame WP members for this. Part of it is due to my own inability to 'bond', or feel a sense of belonging anywhere, period. But another part of it is that here on WP - like the rest of the world - there is a pervasive attitude that 'Aspies', or High-Functioning Autistics, are not real autistics.

I'm not the first person to have said this, and I probably won't be the last. Again, it's not a Wrong Planet problem. It's a real world problem. Society currently does not accept, that people who look fairly normal, and have normal speech patterns, could possibly be autistic.

I don't think this attitude is going to be changed in my lifetime, or that I will ever find any acceptance or understanding, as a person with autism.

Therefore, I am claiming the label of LFNT for myself: Low-Functioning Neurotypical - which is what the world wants to think of me. My pervasive, lifelong struggles in school, work, marriage, friendships, and family relationships couldn't possibly be due to autism, because... I have proper vocal inflection! (Even though people have to ask me to repeat things constantly, because for some reason they can't understand me.)

But no, it can't be autism. Autism is for people like Rain Man. I'm not banging my head against the wall, demanding to see Judge Wopner. I'm not autistic, I'm just trying to make excuses for my failure in life.

I'm just an LFNT. A basically normal person, who is hypersensitive to noises (who does like loud noises? I mean, come on) - and is just shy, and weird, and socially inept. Well, okay then.

This is how the world will always see me, and I can either accept it, or spend the rest of my life trying to prove to people that I REALLY REALLY AM AUTISTIC!!!11!111!! ! and not just a special snowflake.

I'm done fighting that fight. Henceforth, I will present myself to the world as an LFNT. A shy, timid person, who might randomly crumple in a ball and tremble and cry in public places for no reason, but... uh, let's just politely pretend not to notice that. Because, hey - proper vocal inflection! And even a little bit of eye contact, now and then! And when she isn't crying, she's got a totally realistic looking smile plastered on her face, constantly. See? She's normal!

This is my reality, and I'm finally choosing to accept it. The world isn't ready to accept the concept of 'mild autism', so I'm just going to be an LFNT. A shy, weird person who cries in public, and otherwise spends 99% of the time locked in her bedroom, hiding from the world.

I'm not claiming to speak for anyone else diagnosed with Level 1 ASD. I absolutely do believe it's a very real disability, that needs to be recognized. I'm just personally tired of fighting, at least for the moment.

(There is also the possibility that I'm mildly schizophrenic; I suffer from severe paranoia, and arguably experience hallucinations and delusions as well. I'm in the process of getting that checked out.)

So please don't think that I'm trying to speak for everyone here. I speak only for myself, in saying that I'm tired of being seen as an attention-seeking 'wannabe', and would prefer to just be an LFNT.

No one sees the LFNT in the room. At least they pretend not to.

Hi Ashariel,

Well, I can understand that real life comes before spending time on an Internet forum.
And there's no need to apply a label to yourself that's not helpful.
Anyways, I've always enjoyed your posts,
wish we could have gotten to know each other better,
wish you the best,
and would be glad to see you if you decide to come back around the forums.

~~ the phoenix

Thanks Phoenix! Likewise, and I'm available by PM if you (or anyone) wants to contact me. I might not even be fully 'gone', just - needing to back away and get some perspective, especially in light of the possibility that it's schizophrenia, and I really don't belong here after all!

You're a very bright person. I'd miss you.

The attutude you mentioned is not reflective of the WP population. You know yourself better than anybody else. You know it's absurd to "diagnose" somebody on the Internet.

In essence, don't let a few idiots drive you from WP.

Thanks Kraftie - yeah, it could just be paranoia on my part. It's definitely a problem with me.

This is an excellent, very-well written intelligent post. It describes many of the feelings I have about myself. I do not think a formal diagnosis of AS would help me, either, especially as I am just beginning my emergence into the world at large. I have a lot of the signs: intense special interests, social awkwardness and, at times, panic attacks. I consider my special interests and good memory very helpful, while my anxiety definitely isn't. Please stay on WP, but take a break if you need to. Every so often, it's good to take a "day of health" to regroup.

That's an interesting viewpoint Ashariel. I just recently found out that I have AS. I didn't ask for the diagnosis, so it was a surprise. I've lived as a "lfnt" for most of my life. So I understand what it might be like. Also surprisingly enough it fits, my diagnosis explains my "being different", my "dancing to the beat of a different drummer." I'm still getting used to the idea of Asperger's and know very little. Finding this forum was great! My initial searches on AS only had resources for children. Hope you can take a break and come back when you are ready since you seem to know quite a bit!

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Hey, Ashariel, I hope you come back. I understand about wanting to take a break. This isn't real life, and it can't substitute for it.

About non-acceptance, though.....you are not required to take seriously people who sit and armchair-undiagnose you. It says more about their personal problems than about you.

The majority of people here seem very accepting, or at the very least understand the pointlessness of criticising people on the internetz.

The truth is, at times, people in general are difficult to be around, autistic or not. When you don't have it in you, it's not at good thing to force it. Maybe return when you feel a little more like yourself?

I for one would miss you, we've had some great conversations.

Very fascinating acronym. I honestly thought that you were trying to say "elephant" in a slang or something(LFNT) as in "elephant in the room".