The picture is starting to crystallize
It's only been a week since it was suggested I get tested for Asperger's. I've been trying to maintain healthy skepticism since I am a believer in the scientific method and don't think self-diagnoses should be relied on too heavily. But yet, so many behaviors are slowly coming to light that have been part of my daily experience for so long that I haven't actually noticed them in a long time, and I'm overwhelmingly by myself so there's rarely an opportunity for others to observe them. I find that for some time I haven't been fully consciously aware that I'm easily and inexplicably agitated by seemingly innocuous things like someone already being in the particular store aisle that I need to go down to get what I'm after so I have to wait in an empty aisle for them to leave, or someone coming into the aisle while I'm there and now I can't take it off the shelf because someone is there. I become agitated when another car is driving parallel to mine, or people pulling into and out of the parking spots next to me while I'm still in the car. Not sure what's the basis of all this stuff other than I just simply don't want them to be there for whatever reason.
I don't publicly display this agitation aside from clenching my fists and tensing all my muscles (I might mutter to myself and perhaps get caught doing so every now and then). If I'm home by myself I will externally vent my frustration, though. If I come home and discover someone has been in my apartment while I was gone (like maintenance), I am in full-on meltdown mode. Even though I do have a habit of listening to the same song on repeat for long periods of time, I still didn't initially recognize any repetitive actions until having a meltdown this morning (no maintenance man, but I also get hysterical the morning after "social intercourse". It's like my version of next day regrets.) And then it happened and it was all there, stim behavior, rocking, repetitively moving the legs and making repetitive noises in order to calm down. I've simply never noticed these things because to me it's normal and probably everybody does it when they need to block out bad things. I also never do this stuff around other people, even if it means I need to leave somewhere early and come home.
I'm leaning more and more towards probably needing to go see a professional for evaluation. Unfortunately I don't have insurance right now and I'm concerned about having a pre-existing condition when I do get it someday, so maybe I'll have to just put it aside for a while until I have insurance established again...
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Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. ~ Solomon
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 67
Gender: Male
Posts: 36,219
Location: Long Island, New York
I don't publicly display this agitation aside from clenching my fists and tensing all my muscles (I might mutter to myself and perhaps get caught doing so every now and then). I also never do this stuff around other people, even if it means I need to leave somewhere early and come home
That is so me ! !
If I am listening to music and somebody walks in I got to turn it off. Emotionally I feel like my taste in music will annoy them. I know that turning music off every time someone walks in is rude but the instinct is too strong.
These realizations are essential part of the process that most of us who have found out late in life have gone through. This process can be emotionally powerful\and discombobulating.
I hope you can afford the insurance soon.
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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Regarding agitation... yes... and it sucks.
Most people don't care about such things, but some things really bother me if they are in my way or aren't what I expected; I feel horrible inside and angry at myself. The parking thing is one for me too. Also if I accidentally drop clean clothes on the floor, or people are standing around and I have to figure out which way to go to successfully steer around them (and they end up abruptly changing direction anyway).
These little incidents can stir me up and ruin a day.
Glad I'm not the only one with the parking lot side eye! I also hate navigating around groups. I wish I was like a celebrity who can request that a store or restaurant be emptied out before they arrive, except I would like to have the entire metroplex emptied out while I run my errands, lol!
_________________
Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. ~ Solomon
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. ~ D.H. Lawrence
I don't publicly display this agitation aside from clenching my fists and tensing all my muscles (I might mutter to myself and perhaps get caught doing so every now and then). I also never do this stuff around other people, even if it means I need to leave somewhere early and come home
That is so me ! !
If I am listening to music and somebody walks in I got to turn it off. Emotionally I feel like my taste in music will annoy them. I know that turning music off every time someone walks in is rude but the instinct is too strong.
These realizations are essential part of the process that most of us who have found out late in life have gone through. This process can be emotionally powerful\and discombobulating.
I hope you can afford the insurance soon.
Happened to me yesterday as well. I was in the supermarket, food shopping and my daughter said she needed yet another new pair of headphones (how do kids break them so easily!). We got to the headphone section and there was already someone there so we had to come back later. I think it's to do with the length of time I know I'm going to be. If it's just quickly picking something off a shelf, that's fine, but if on the other hand, I know I'm going to have to look at various items and compare them I hate anyone else being around. They're going to be in the way, look at what I'm doing, maybe talk to me, I'm going to be their way. I'm the same about speaking and others hearing me.
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Diagnosed: Asperger's Syndrome (ICD-10)
Self-Diagnosed: Aphantasia
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 46 of 200
Listener of all things noisy, viewer of all things bloody, writer of all things sh*t.
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