Bored with Life

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over the last couple of years, i've been bored with life. i've been un-motivated, lack of interest in certain things and i just don't see a future in what i want to do with my life. i don't know if its depression or just bored with whats going on in my life.

i don't have friends that i see on a regular basis, i pretty much talk to people via email or text, i'm in between jobs, i'm not seeing anybody and my mom is convinced moving 4 hours away would help me reach that next chapter in my life. i feel like everyone is more farther in life then i am. i see classmates getting married and having kids and i always thought that by the time i was at the age i am now, i would be in a committed relationship, have a job i liked, have a group of friends who would come over for movie and game nights, but none of that as happened.

the last couple jobs i've had were either seasonal (they only needed for the last weekend before Halloween.) or the job didn't work out because i asked for more training and because i have a hard time looking for work, i feel like i'm not living up to my potential of what i can do. i feel like my talents are going to waste. i know i can do so much, but people aren't giving me a chance to show them. i don't want to work at some dead end job just to get the experience because of the job gap on my resume or because it pays the bills.

i've tried taking numerous courses in hopes it would look good on my resume and i've been at the same volunteer job for a 3 years hoping that it would help me getting a job because they see that i'm working. my manager at the volunteer job knows how much work i've put into looking for paid work and i assumed that she would help me find something by casually keeping her eyes and ears open and asking friends if they know about any job openings.

i feel like i'm just here to fill up space. i know what i want to do with my life and people know what i want to, but i can't make this happen alone, i hoped that someone would want to help me with the first step of getting started or at least guide me in the right direction. i guess i know who really wants to be in my life, if you don't want to help others be successful, then why should i take my time to make you successful.

Frankly I think both of those are excellent reasons to work at a "dead end" job. I had a major resume gap 5 years ago and kept hearing "you must not be very interested in working since it's been that long" from interviews. It's a strange sort of logic that not being employed for X years = I never need to work again. On top of that I tend to be a poor interview with eye-contact sometimes a bit "off" and I don't get super excited/animated like how some people feel I should, which they take as disinterest.

So, when I got a job offer, I took it. I don't have any opportunity to advance, but I do have a job and will have a recent reference if/when I need to move to something else. I consider that much better than a dead end.

I can understand this, but because I have had similar experiences I cannot offer a solution. I guess I realized nobody was going to get a job for me. Nobody could or would do that. Nobody cared that I had trouble with it. And why should they, I guess. It's my life. I finally found something part time. It can be very depressing, indeed a lot of my life has been depressing. Sometimes I feel like -nothing-. Like I am no one, like I am invisible. I always wanted to be not bothered, like an invisible person, but when I finally got what I wanted, it sucked.

at times i feel like my skills and experience would be an asset during a job interview. i have everything they would be looking for, but i think the word "disabled" scares them and i don't get the job. a job you think would be easy to get like mcdonald's or any other fast food place is hard to get even if i did move to a new town and start fresh, chances are i'll be hitting the pavement everyday just to work part time for nothing.