Do you feel like you don't belong in your own family?

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My dad just emailed me, we haven't talked much for a while. He wanted to basically update me on things that are happening there, since I am currently living quite far away.

I know it wasn't his intention, but reading it honestly made me feel like crap. Some of the things he told me were kind of big news, like my brother and his wife are having a baby soon. I'm going to be an uncle. My brother didn't even tell me that, and they found out about it in May. I actually already knew because my grandma told me about it in August, but at the time I assumed they'd just found out at the time, now I realize it was several months after the fact that I heard about it.

My sister is getting a divorce with her husband. I didn't know that at all. I thought it might happen because I knew they were having problems, but I only even knew that because my mom accidentally sent a message about it to me that was meant for my sister.

All of my younger siblings are really popular at school, doing various sports or other extracurricular activities, one of them has a girlfriend, none of which I knew about. They are all progressing in their lives, and I am stuck out on a farm in the middle of nowhere with my grandparents, who are only letting me stay because they feel obligated.

In general, I just don't feel like I belong. I don't even know how to respond to his email, because if I am honest about how I am doing he won't like it. But there's nothing he can say that will help me, most of what he says will end up just making me feel worse. He just doesn't understand, he thinks my problem is simply my attitude, that if I would just be more positive things will work out. But what he doesn't understand is that trying to be positive gets my hopes up, and I end up worse off in the end. My junior year in high school was the first time that I started feeling happy, but it was all based on false hopes instilled in me by people like my dad. It all came crashing down a year and a half later, and I literally barely survived. But he doesn't understand that at all, he thinks I'm just being negative. Actually, compared to the rest of my life, this is the most positive I have ever been. I just don't know what to say to him, or really any of my family. It doesn't even feel like they are my family.

I think it's nice of him, honestly. I wish my family did that. I am definitely out of the loop for family matters, but it's been a better place for me. I don't feel I don't belong with my family, but do feel like a bit of a stranger sometimes. I don't thrive on interaction so I'm okay with that.

I think it is nice of him too, up to this point he has never done anything of the sort. I'm not mad at him for it, I just don't know what to say. I want to tell him the truth, but judging from the last time I tried, I feel like it may just end up alienating me completely. It was a very similar situation to now, and when I tried talking to him he told me I was being "too intellectual" and that I need to "try harder". He also strongly implied that I was lying or making excuses.

I've never been able to talk to him or any of my family honestly (except my mom) without being criticized, mocked, and insulted, and completely misunderstood. They call me a liar if I try to be honest. I just don't know what to say to him.

My dad is the same way. I feel like he is just being an absolute jerk. The problem is. I have no idea if his attitude towards me is normal or not and I think my asperger's is getting in the way of me knowing. Maybe he is a jerk, but then again. everybody can seem like a jerk too.

It's clear that your dad is not listening to you. He probably sees you as a younger version of himself and will only be satisfied if you respond positively to his advice, which is really not targeted at you, but at his younger self from his current perspective. The problem is that he will have no clue that you are a person with experiences, needs and thoughts that may be radically different from his own.

As a teenager I was in a similar position. I must have been around 15 years old when I realised that all communication from my dad was a one way street, and directed to an imagined person that had nothing to do with me.

The two avenues that I have successfully used in the past to avoid receiving verbal abuse, and to avoid submitting to ridiculous and non-sensical expectations:

A. Proactively breaking off the relationship from your side, making it 100% clear that you have no interest in any further communication and interaction at this point in your life. This avenue works well if your dad has already escalated the situation, and if you explain that your decision is based on his behaviour. It may take several months or years for the message to sink in, but it will save you emotional energy that you probably desperately need to manage other parts of your life. It also paves the path for avenue B in later years.

B. To compartmentalise all communication and interaction with your dad, and to consciously avoid all topics that have to do with your life and the way you live your life. In conversation with your dad you can talk about uncontentious topics: sports, events in the place where he lives, the weather, his health, his vacations, etc. Effectively you turn the table, making him the topic of discussion and taking your life out of the picture. I would avoid covering aspects of his life that may bring up topics and opinions that have the potential to focus the discussion back on your life, such as work or his outlook on life. I was surprised how well this can work. It showed me that my dad is really not interested in hearing about me, and only interested in hearing from the imaginary person that he sees in me. This exercise in conversation about uncontentious topics is also a great way to practice passing the neurotypical world. It costs a lot of energy, but you don't need to interact with your dad on a daily basis, and the energy cost is certainly lower than embarking on a debate that revolves around your life (from your perspective), and around the imaginary life of a younger version of your dad.

On two occasions I had to go down route A, over a period of several years. Now my dad is over 80 years old, and for the last decade route B has been the perfect choice. Route B is relevant in particular if it enables you to keep up a good relationship with you mum, or if you have children, and want to give them and your parents the opportunity to get to know each other and interact.

My father is like that to me too but not always he can be nice sometimes and other times he can be mean; criticizing me on things I can't fix even if I try to like my studies he wants me to learn fast and be perfect in studies even thought I'm good and do what I can amd get exhausted from it but he still tells me that I can't concentrate on the studies and hobbies at the same time and I have to leave the hobbies to be perfect in studies. Because I have other things on mind like hobbies he tells me that those hobbies won't make me gain anything, he tells me to leave my hobbies and he doesn't like my jokes and sarcasm. He never appreciates me or what I do.

In answer to your question, yes. OP it sounds like we have the same problem. Every time I have some family function I listen to all my relatives talk about their exciting lives and I just feel invisible. I either have nothing to tell them or if I do it pales in comparison to their news.

They either ignore me or laugh at my corny jokes or occasionally tell me that I personally caused for Australia's economic problems by living on welfare (I'm surprised that a chief accountant has such a poor understanding of economics).

They're all middle class professionals who go on multi-continent holidays and got married when they were younger than I am. They even told me I have to buy a present for my wealthy, younger cousin's wedding when they know I'm broke. He and his fiance both have high paying professional jobs. They say they want cash gifts. Even if I get a bit of money before their wedding it will still feel wrong giving money to someone who's already much wealthier than I am.

I'm so annoyed with my family that I'm only inviting friends to my birthday party and not relatives.

I don't mean to be critical but you should ask yourself why you're exhausted. When I was your age I felt exhausted due to undiagnosed, untreated problems so I failed in my education and now I'm on welfare regretting it. I listened to my family tell me I'm exhausted due to being lazy instead of getting proper treatment.

I don't mean to burden you with rants about my own problems but sometimes something as innocuous as tiredness can be a sign of a deeper problems, even when you think there's nothing wrong with you. You're at the age when you're time is more valuable than it ever was or ever will be again. One year now is worth three years later.

I guess if what you said is the case then I can't get myself diagnosed and treated, I tried making my parents to take me somewhere to get diagnosed after I found myself having traits of autism, asperger and ADHD but they won't listen they say I don't have of this even though my mother used to call me 'autistic' when I was younger and my school principel told them I had autism or asperger when I was in kindergarten, my father thinks autism and other mental problems don't exist he thinks of it more like of 'what you think is what you feel' he thinks of my behaviors is me being stupid or acting irresponsible.
From internet I concluded that I have asperger and ADHD but I don't know how to treat myself.

My Dad is the same way. Is there a legitimate reason for this or is he just being a jerk? I just feel like my Dad has sold me out,

Those things can be bad enough on their own. Those things alone can cause a smart student to get worse grades than they otherwise would but here's the thing. I don't mean to scare you, this is only speculation on my part but it's possible to have other conditions co-morbid with aspergers.

When I was in school I already knew I had aspergers but I didn't know that I had a few other problems totally unrelated to ASD. It wasn't until recently that I started to suspect I have cyclothymia. I'm going to get tested for that in a couple of weeks.

I think I got aspergers from my father and cyclothymia from my mother.

When I was in school I blamed all of my problems on aspergers without considering that they may have more than one cause but I know realize some of my problems weren't ones faced by other aspie students. They felt energetic in their youth but I didn't. Aspergers caused me problems but I think it was cyclothymia that made me feel tired.

I'm not saying you have that particular condition, I'm just saying that once you find you have something, you shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that's the only thing you have. It's like repairing a punctured tire then later finding there were two punctures.

I'm sorry to hear you can't get professional treatment. Even a diagnosis would help but apsergers isn't so much something that gets treated, it's something you learn to live with. It's not a disease that can be cured, it's an inherent part of you.

Thank you for the help (:
Both of my parents show traits of aspergers but my mother more, my father seems more INTJ only to me than asperger or autistic
I'm bipolar but I don't know if its cyclothymia
I don't feel energic all the time I only do when I'm talking about my favorite topics or when I'm joking around, other reason why I might be feeling tired all the time is because I have graves disease
Yes I know that I'm better in coping with it now than before, I don't hate the fact that I'm not normal like I did before

So long as your parents didn't refuse to get those treated you'll be fine. Aspergers alone shouldn't have much impact on grades. A lot of aspies are good students anyway.

Great. It sounds like you're coping with it better than I am

I never felt like I fit in with my family & I was out of the loop when I lived with my parents because I was in my own world instead of paying attention, I never had a close relationship with any of my family, & some felt I didn't care or wouldn't understand.

I get treated for that
I can be a good student at times but I never concentrate in class

I kind of felt like that for a while, but as time goes on you can decide who you want more in your life, even if you can't move out or something. Then again, when I felt like that about my parents it was usually a misunderstanding. I used to have a bad opinion of my parents but a certain set of circumstances changed that, and I realized their true motives. So sometimes its things you can't see or know. I dunno in your uncle's case but yeah. Maybe I never really had a strong yearning for belongedness because I can't empathize with your issue more than that.