My boyfriend and I are both on the spectrum and he's had really bad depression for a few months. He's always been depressed/anxious, with extreme flare-ups every couple years, and this is one of them. We've been fighting a lot because he's been frustrated and quick to yell at me, and I have anxiety. He won't go to a doctor to talk about antidepressants and gets mad at me when I suggest it.
Anyway, I recently moved to an apartment on his block, which was a weird coincidence--the housing situation in our city is terrible, a friend of a friend told me about this place, it happened to be near my BF--and although he said it was fine at first, he got very upset the day before I moved and said I was trying to spy on him and take over his life, and we had a giant fight. He said we should think about breaking up, although then he said he wasn't actually breaking up with me. I tried to talk about it with him a couple weeks later and he said he wasn't breaking up with me but he does think about it sometimes because we haven't been getting along lately (since he's been depressed). So I've been anxious about that, worried that the hammer is about to drop at any minute.
That fight was about seven weeks ago and things have been OK since, no fights, and I've been trying to give him his space while things normalize with the new living situation. He planned a 4-day road trip for us for the 4th of July, which went fine, but since we've been back, he hasn't been initiating dates. I've been contacting him every three or four days to hang out, and he always accepts. We have a decent time, although he's still been, you know, palpably depressed. I get regular comments from him on social media, etc., as well.
It's really difficult for me to initiate dates, though, because I'm also on the spectrum (I have trouble doing this with friends too, as does my BF). In the past, when I've asked him to initiate dates more often, he has said he's "an object at rest who stays at rest" and that he can't think of anything fun to do so he just stays at home. So, I've been thinking of leaving him alone until he reaches out and makes a date with me, but I know he's just sitting in his house mired in depression. He's been calling in sick to work a lot too.
I guess my question is: How much space should you give an autistic depressed person? Should I just leave him alone indefinitely and wait for him to contact me if he wants to hang out? Should I keep inviting him to hang out, since he always says yes? Should I should wait, like, a week between dates instead of three/four days? I don't really know where the sweet spot is between giving an autistic person their alone time and helping a depressed person who can't seem to leave the house.
17 Jul 2017, 5:33 pm
