Need some help with sorting my situation

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My name is Michael, M...26 and I have ASD. I'm unsure if this is the correct forum to be involved in, but if a mod moves it, just let me know where it is moved to.

I am diagnosed "officially" as PDDNOS. also "Ruling out" Bipolar, and "Ruling out" ASD
I was diagnosed by a case reviewer with a "mood disorder" to continue my SSI payments, Medicaid, etc...
I am very high functioning. Brilliant, but lazy.


Just a little background, I was born in 1990, and I've always been on medication for 100% of my life I have had pharmaceutical drugs pumping through my veins, in my blood and organs. I was born Congenital hypothyroid- Meaning I don't have one. I was given Synthroid at 3 days. At 3 years old, I was given Ritalin. The rest of the list is frightening.

My mother and father separated when I was 8, and my mom did everything she could to keep me in the general "inclusion" population. I would tell you my life story, but nobody wants to hear it. the TL;DR version; I've always kicked out of everything. After school programs, schools, summer camps... you name it. Every time I had an issue, it was blamed on the medication and changed. My mother recently told me she never knew how to punish me as a child because she didn't know what was me, vs what the diagnosis caused... I must have seen at least 40-60 doctors in my lifetime.

I have never had friends, but I have the heart of a child. I always have a "common good" in me, that other have said everyone should have... but I also have extremely dark feelings inside. I have never had friends, and people have always ALWAYS taken advantage of my kindness. I have a girlfriend who loves me. It makes me feel warm, knowing that I finally have someone who feels about me, the way that.... I should be able to feel about someone else. But as someone with ASD, i lack empathy to other people's situations...

Or do i?

Right now, I'm extremely stressed out. I haven't seen a doctor in a few years, which would handle specialized cases in ASD. I live an hour or so outside of Syracuse NY, they just closed our local Mental Health Center for political reasons (which i had only sen a doctor in once, and am trying to get into see him again, different clinic).. Therefore, many doctors have left the area due to the lack of $ and politics As I have said above, my official diagnosis is "PDDNOS" ruling out "Aspergers" and "Bipolar" but I definitely have traits of both... My issue is, I've never been off of medication. Whenever i have anxiety, i feel the entire top of my head from front to back buzzes, and sometimes trying to do my homework, i find myself going over and over and over without remembering..... I have recreationally done Adderall, and Focalin, and cocaine all as study drugs.... so I can get the effects, never to get high, because i had been prescribed them.... I have been known (quite) to dabble in cannabis... I have a real script of focalin that is running out, but my doctor won't prescribe me more because I smoke to sleep (insomnia is common) and they drug tested me for refils (we have a heroin problem locally, but as a smoker i was singled out)......

So now, I don't have a doctor. But I also don't trust doctors. I see many different things about aspergers lately... I saw a photo of a brain scan (will have link) showing higher activations in the exact spots my brain feels fuzzy, but I ALSO take Lamictal which makes my brain SUPER fuzzy sometimes anyways. I was on Abilify for a long time, but it was horrible feeling, as if I had a lack of imagination, or a lack of what makes me a person.

I dont even know if I have any real issues, or if being put on medications so early between age 3 and 21 have effected me so badly that i'm untreatable... I was never given a chance off of them, and my mom is apologetic only to "i did what i could" but also "taking you off medications was never an option"

I have not ben officially diagnosed in a long time, and I'm afraid that a rediagnosis may lose me my SSI and Insurance, because I'm unable to keep a job... My head gets so fuzzy that I get angry at homework and yell and complain AT it... I dont have study habits because special education doesnt teach you real life skills.... so i basically feel like if I didn't have this support I would be homeless because in terms of willing help, my family has been the equivalent of human garbage

It also doesnt help that most of my recent friends (in the past... they were excommunicated from me) had been drug addicts who gaslight me and act like me my feelings arent valid, or that i'm straight cut makin things up.... And i wouldnt do that. I feel like i have a heart of gold, but maybe my words come off harsh..... In the end usually these same individuals wouldend up admitting I was right logically, and "went about it wrong" instead of them offering me help. People who, at one point, made me feel welcome and meant the world to me.... I dont know who i can trust to help me anymore..... except my girlfriend. and she can't do much in that department except give me hugs and lots of kisses and say i'll be okay. But my relationship strains... I'm highly independent, and I need to be successful for my own sake. She can be a bit of a mess, and she is undiagnosed as well. I think borderline personality disorder, or BP2.

Without being able to control who i am or figuring out how I fit in my own head, I can't be successful. I do end up pushing everyone away, but i know I'm better than people I once considered friends who treated me like garbage. I dont even know my official diagnosis, but i'm 26 and need a future. I'm sick of being in limbo. I am tired of having anxiety and feeling frightened i'm going to fail becuase I was SYSTEMICALLY treated like I'm not good enough, yet TOLD i'm great and i'm lucky to have the support i do, and that i have the tools to get where i need to. but I don't. I feel like i'm a child trying o survive in an adult world that i lack the ability to understand becuase i dont even understand who I am......

I have tried LSD (GABA instigator) and Psilocybin mushrooms (anxiety, depression leveler, and they're fun).... with moderate success. Medication jockeying makes me feel like a lab rat, and doctors are just going to do what they think is right for the symptoms, without having any hard evidence besides talking to me. and i have no idea what to do. Counselling has only ever gotten me so far, but around here... there are no (good) counsellors without 3/mo waiting lists, and heroins is such a huge problem here that i would get denied treatment for using cannabis to fall asleep. What can i do? I have looked everywhere for help.

And in advance, Thank you so much for whoever reads this mess and has some sort of input.
-Michael

I forgot to add this part. I am looking for interesting solutions i havent tried...

Fecal transplants an their GABA-creating bacteria seem like they could help
maybe a brain scan could reveal something?
my lamictal makes me super buzzy, but so does the mania i get anyway, and they seem to compound

I really relate to the heart of gold struggling with frustrations. We can only strive for perfection, not expect it. Doctors have really been heavily influenced by the drug companies which want to replace the talking cure with chemicals, for obvious reasons. You will have lots of learnings that are hard to access without the stew you were on at the time, but it sounds as if you are still your own person and well able to learn and grow, and doing pretty well for 26. I'm glad you are both getting hugs, and not getting boxed into the limits your GF hits when you try to explain yourself. My advice is to learn to meditate. It is the least scientific thing I do, and probably the most helpful. The various techniques generally advertise themselves as the best so that people won't be wondering if they are using the wrong method. All that really matters is how well you focus on whichever replacement you use for busy thinking, and the internal space and time you experience on your "vacations" from the worldly cares.

can you explain "You will have lots of learnings that are hard to access without the stew you were on at the time," saying, medications are more helpful than i realize? do you have any experience with mindfulness? meditation is actually very scientific when used in combo

Smelling a rose can evoke very strong recall of previous experiences involving that scent. Memories are patterns, and if your wiring has been biased by any chemical when the pattern was laid down, it will be hard to access without the same influence. I've heard students advise that if you are using anything psychoactive when studying, you should use it for the exams as well.

what can I do about my unclear diagnosis pathways? should I be untrusting of medications? I dont want to go back to abilify and lamictal combo which i was on for a long time... i felt like a zombie...

A general DX, like AS, can help us understand our limits and opportunities. I would not worry about the details, except when you want to fit into somebody's classifications. Psychiatrists are hopeless at understanding a combination of common conditions, which is the usual situation. You might want to try a period of internal cleansing with an all-natural diet. Exercise and sunshine are also near-essential to your whole system.

I've been trying to go to the gym, and i'm a student now so i'm trying to stay on schedule but staying on task is hard when i live by myself, and take care of that, two cats, homework, cleaning and school. When i was failing really bad two years ago, my mother told me that she would not let me live at home if i cancelled my lease, and my dad lives in the middle of nowhere so it wasn't adventageous for me to do anyhting out there. I dont really have support from my family on this topic, i dont have a doctor to prescribe meds, a doctor i trust, and My girlfriend is the only real resource I have. I find myself realizing sometimes that it might not be the relationship i want (being my first GF, and she has a kid and is deeply madly in love with me, like i was once)

but i also realize i'm practically a social mess and an educational failure, being a product of the 90s pill system it frightens me to be involved back into such a world

Your lady may love you for what she imagines more than what she really understands, but it sounds like you have found a new family of your own, which can be better than all the doctors in the world. When I had a crisis, it would have really helped if my GF at the time had taken it more seriously, but overall she still got me through it. I know that the odds of a first match being the best match look low, but you deserve the luck, and some of the best marriages I know started early. You can become specialists in each other, and not do comparisons.
I was always the last kid around the track in high school, but then discovered that a bike was the fastest, cheapest way to get around, and it also meant never having to wait for other people. If I was busy or frustrated, I rode faster and burned off the adrenalin instead of letting it wind me up. Since then, I've always tried to integrate physical activity into my day. Wood heat also works for that.

Michael, I have read every word you wrote and some of it more than once.  You are caught in the web of cultural "help". Well meaning neuronorms have constructed this web to "help" people who are different (have a disorder) from them. The scale of the pharmaceutical industry is an unintended consequence of this neuronorm impulse. It's not all bad. It appears that you have shelter, food,  are receiving some education and not working to pay for these comforts and benefits.

From what you have written, it seems you have come to a place where you would like to discover who you are without pharmaceuticals continually in your body and mind, and still maintain the comforts and benefits (SSI). Your fear seems to be that you may not be as ill/disordered as the neuronorm culture requires in order for you to receive their "help", mixed as that may be.

I am old, in fact so old that I remember the days before LSD was illegal. At that time in our cultural history ASD did not exist and Autism was a scary unfathomable disease. I am, like you, very high functioning and possess an IQ equal to or perhaps higher than you own. I say this not as a brag but to gain your respect. When I was your age there were many communities/communes of diverse origins that provided the kind of help you require to achieve your goal. I was part of several of these.

Because drugs were a significant part of the counter culture of the period and because the common culture had not kept pace with the volume and diversity of available drugs, these communities more or less provided help to people who wanted to alter or terminate their drug use. In that context, you would have been taken in, given work inside the community to pay for your food an shelter. You would have received support, information, sometimes confrontation and other experiences that would assist you in achieving your goal.

As you would have discovered a more functional and authentic self, you would have been told to "get a job" and otherwise transition into the wider culture, or you would have remained inside the boundaries of community life in order to help the next person arriving at the door in search of a means to change their life as you did, or both.

Today that kind of assistance is difficult to find. A lot has changed. For one, you are up against a form of cultural collusion that encourages the purchase of pharmaceuticals by the government that requires your body/diagnosis/"need" to justify the stream of money that flows from citizens to the government to the drug companies. The cultural view today is not so much to get you off drugs as to get you on the “right drug”.

You will need to find help in your transition from your current drugged state to a new state of awareness. There are communities still trying to accomplish this that do not rely on the broader culture's colluded economics. Be open to every possibility, family, religious organizations, and other groups that are not dependent on the cultural web of “help” that depends on drugs. In the end you may require drugs, or not. You might lose your SSI along with your diagnosis, or not. Your life could change in many large or small ways. In order to receive this kind of alternative help you will need to be deeply committed to change. If you are just kicking tires, sincere potential sources of help will discover this and may not help you as much. There is a reason my avatar is a ski jumper. It's how it is.