When a Borderline has it

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Hi guys.

I just turned 21 this very moment, and to give you a short background I was diagnosed last year with Major Depressive Disorder, with Psychotic Features, Axis II Borderline Personality Disorder, with Passive Agressive Features. In all honestly, I read that Dx myself in my Psych's laptop with his consent after a long awkward 8-minute silence waiting for him to hand me my Dx. And I knew that he was not assured to tell me honestly what my psychiatric exam results are because I might not handle it well, which I really didn't that same day of truth and the following weeks.

I actually had come up myself with the same Dx before I got diagnosed that I have Borderline. I've researched extensively multiple articles, forums, vlogs, books, and personal experiences, since I was 9, the age which I experienced most of my parent's outrage, specifically my suspected Borderline/Narcissitic Dad's verbal abuse to my mom, me, my older sister and my grandma, and my Mom's passive submissive attitude which despite my father's abuse she just sulks in the corner and cry.

A flashback ~ unlike me, my sister has no any known problem with her state as well as my little brother. Indeed, a victim of abuse chooses the kid which has his similarities. I'm the second child like my dad. But maybe unlike any of my immediate family members, I'm the most socially awkward, clumsy, "lack of commonsense" kid.

At 2 and a half I was naturaly drawn to painting and drawing, yet there was an instance when I asked my mom for a crayon and a paper she refused to, because my older sister 5 at that time was being a grim kid and my mom even scolded me because I was being bad for that case. Basically, common to Borderline, I was often not attended to in terms of some basic needs and for most attention.

At 3, I got an interest in alphabets despite still homebound kid, and there was an instance when I enthusiastically showed my handwritten skewed alphabets yet he ignored me and told me that I was being a naughty kid. That pulled my self-esteem down.

They've been pushing me to try little miss pageants yet all I want is to draw and play some video games.

They do not usually allow me to do some basic stuffs such as simple placing glass and plates on a tray and stuff because I often break a lot of them. But I usually line up my toys the way I wanted them and no one can stop me. I often clean and arrange our bedroom the way I wanted and as well as our living room without anyone's orders. I wondered if one way or another it's an OC thing for a 3 year old at that time.

At 9, my teachers loved me because they say I'm a very well behaved child. I also do great in my studies. They thought and we all thought It was normal. But later on, I found out that going to class without saying any word except when highly needed and with so familiar people, isn't normal after all. I've shown signs of Selective mutism.

I used to be a crybaby and until now.
I'm now at college. I was thrown with a freezing reality that left me numb. I had to deal with a lot of diff personalities and challenges. Mostly, academic pressures and peer pressures. That is when my depression hits straight into my brain. It caused a debilitatinhg absenteeism and tardiness which failed me in one subject. I later on sought professional help after many fights with my mom telling her that this isn't normal afterall.

After months of psych visits with my mom, I guess, my condition shed light to my family esp mom and dad how permanent psychological trauma scars are.

Yet there were times when negative comments from other people made me so volatile and fragile which led me from self harm to overdosing of my meds plus an anticholinergic and antihistamine.

I was prescribed Escitalopram(antidep),Valproic Acid(mood stabilizer), Risperidone, and Bromazepam(antianxiety) my psych told me that I need a cocktail of all these meds to balance my moods.

He also told me that, psych exam isn't the final end to a psych diagnosis. It always takes years and years of therapy and getting to know you with your psych to tell you what Dx you really have. But he said, that since he is a psychiatrist, he doesn't just mainly treat through a Dx but rather the important thing is to listen and address issues.

It still baffles me somehow. That until now, I'm still the lack of commonsense kid, who is socially aloof, crybaby, having troubles with verbal instructions, multiple noises in crowd, certain quirks I.e. wet papers, hating the taste of toothpaste, being literal *sigh*, etc