I need to open my heart. Living hurts

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Hey there. I just need to write these things down.


I'm so frustrated with my life. No friends, no girlfriend, nothing.
I feel envy of the normal life most people live, how they are able to connect and have fun. I do not even like being around people, or maybe I'm just tense around them to enjoy. I can not be cheerful, cool and nice around them. I become just a tense guy with very limited body language and speech. There's no way I can connect and get to know people being like this.

Whenever I hear / read people talking about their lives, their experiences with partners, sex in a healthy relationship, etc. I feel so frustrated because I never experienced this and I don't think that someday I will. I envy them, and at the same time I feel so bad about myself. The feeling is like a pain in my heart followed by a wave of negative thoughts.
Actually just hearing the word "dating" itself makes me feel so crap because I have zero experience with all that stuff, and I know that if I try it will only cause more pain because I just suck at everything in which I have to be in front of another human being and talk to them.

I have a deep rooted inferiority complex. I just feel I'm wrong and people will notice it soon or later. It's not even related to how I look, I'm just okay with my appearance, but it's really deep and I do not even know exactly what it is. My rational mind can not fight back when I start to feel like people are noticing how wrong I am.
I try to act like a normal guy but I always feel that people are noticing that I'm weird and inferior to them.


I'm trying to fall in hopelessness but, each day, each month and year that passes, this becomes a stronger feeling inside myself.

Well, I think this concludes my wall of text. Thanks for those who took their time to read everything.
I was never so honest in a public place before.


*I looked around the forum but couldn't find any specific session for this type of thread, if I missed it the mods can just move it.

I often felt this way when I was younger. I thought everyone was looking at how quiet or nerdy I was, and were repelled by it. In reality, most would think I didn't like them, not know how to talk to me, or just not be able to relate to my interests, although of course when we're young we're prone to stepping on other people's toes, too.

I think people can of course notice nervousness, quietness, etc, but that they don't always equate it to "wrong" the way a high school or workplace bully will. That's our judgment of ourselves, not anyone else's. And even if it is anyone else's, they're not the high king or queen of what anyone's worth or potential as a human being is. They're flawed and will make flawed assessments of other people based on superficial things.

Thanks for the reply.
I know it's all inside myself, actually I really don't care that much about people's thought, but my own "thoughts" about myself are the real problem (I mean, they're not really thoughts, they're a kind of subconscious thing). But I just can't change it.
Hopefully I will see some light in the future. Hope is all I have. But sometimes it hurts so much in my chest.

I get it. I think those things take a long time to change, though, as they're often reflections of what someone was taught to believe about themselves as a child or something similar to that.

Just taking a note here: I've read in Quora that this pain in the chest in related to social rejection, or simply the sense of not being part of the group.
Natural selection made humans to be part of the group because we can't survive alone in the jungles or any hostile environment. So when we're not in a group we feel actual physical pain.

Most times we distract our minds with things to not feel this, but some things makes the feeling being triggered (like seing a happy couple or a group of friends laughing). Sometimes we transform this pain into anger (like thinking "look at those idiots making noise"), other times we transform this into sadness and negative thoughts about ourselves, which is a more decent reaction in my opinion.

Yeah man, the inferiority complex sucks. I know exactly what you mean. I'm 37 and I look up to 23 year olds. I'll never feel old. The cool thing though is that as you start to get older, that stuff becomes less important. People judge you more for who you are. If you want a girlfriend, get one. We all mess up every relationship besides our last one. You may not get Selena Gomez, but there's nice messed up girls out there, lots of em. Find one that shares your interests. Online maybe. You get one life, and it goes quick. Have some fun and live it the way you want to live it.

Yeah I know some cool girls on internet and we share a lot of interests and things. But anyone around me.
I'm not complaining about them, it's my thing to solve it. Actually I'm not crying for not having a girl, what troubles my mind is that I don't have the basics for interaction with other humans in a natural and healthy way.

For me having a girlfriend is like a natural thing that happens when you know a lot of people and interact with them. Soon or later you'll find girls who you will feel a bit more of empathy etc.

Putting it in a metaphor: let's say that getting a girlfriend is like scoring a goal on a soccer match. But I can barely walk, and have no idea about how to run. Got it?
Actually I don't even like to play. So it's like wanting to score a goal without playing...
This is because I relate a lot of INTJ and schizoid condition, which makes me feels little or any pleasure at all from social interactions.

You can take my advice or leave it. It's up to you. But you should know what ever pain you feel know will be gone in the future so just keep on keeping on and deal with it and move on.

I'ma INTJ. Maybe you could pair with one who doesn't notice your "slights" and therefore won't be mad about it..

Yeah I guess it's just a matter of finding more people similar to me. Maybe I'll look more into communities like this, or dating apps for "different" people. Who knows.
Maybe I'll make a first step when I get some motivation that's not only "I need to get rid of these crappy feelings by attaching to a girl". I'm quite independent emotionally so the idea of looking for people just to get rid of my own sh#t doesn't sounds good.

I think this is true, but not inevitable. There have always been those who have lived and survived on the margins.

When I was in my 20s, I lived pretty close to the "margins." Usually one step away from homelessness, though I was only actually homeless for a total of a few days over that decade.

I'm constantly amazed at the wisdom from our young member here, Pieplup. Very true words.



You should also take note of the wisdom from another of my favorite WP contributors. Kraftie is an example of person who made it largely due to his hard work and a great attitude.

I think it might help you to go back to the drawing board when it comes to "natural instincts" and whatnot. Autistic people do have natural instincts about people and situations, but they use different information than non-autistic people. Kind of like two people speaking different languages. It doesn't mean your language doesn't work.

And I know this doesn't help you much right now, but a lot of what you're going through is actually pretty normal for your age given that you are autistic. You are entering what seems to be the hardest time of life for most people on the spectrum. It seems to get easier when you get closer to your 30s. Past that, many autistic people do better than non-autistic people in general life terms- more stable careers, fewer but more quality relationships, high levels of education and specialized knowledge. It WILL get better. You just have to hang in there.

I really have to disagree with the sentiment that "it gets better." I have heard that for over 40 years and it hasn't gotten better for me, nor will it.

I don't know how things are for the OP as he is young and smart enough to know that having a girlfriend does not make the pain go away. So who knows for him.

But some people's pain is a permanent condition and it has to be managed not overcome.

Good to read some realistic perspective.
When I was 12, 15, 17,etc I always thought things would change. I thought that when I reached my 20s everything would be solved, then I would only need to work and make money.
Well today I can say that I have a professional life which I enjoy, I'm not in the top but I like what I do to make a living, but all the rest is still the same.
Maybe the self-knowledge I got these last couple of years helped me to face it, because until my 18s or so I was blind in a dark room trying to survive in a strange world an asking "what the hell is wrong with me?"

Today I kinda know what is "wrong", but still don't know if I can change the situation.

I know what is "wrong" too and I have come to a place where I know I can't change what bothers me, so I am trying to find a way to be okay with it; to accept that I will feel pain for the rest of my life. Obviously you and I have had different life experiences. I have suffered a lot of abuse and neglect which has twisted me. If this is not the case for you, perhaps you can get to a good mental place. I don't know.