Hi Guys,
A few weeks ago I went to see a therapist as I felt my life was a little out of control. I originally went here because I felt like no one listens to what I say and they get the wrong end of the stick with me and it frustrates me and I also try to control people to do what I want them too and when they don’t I get angry. I originally thought I had some form of personality disorder.
The therapist said everything I say comes from an autistic brain and he thinks I have high functioning Autism. I have read up a lot on it and I know the wording isn’t well perceived by the autistic community so I am sorry for that.
I have so much to talk about and I feel 1 hour a week sent enough for me and I only have 4 sessions left and I am really worried I won’t have the chance to explain anything.
I am currently undiagnosed and will be sent for an assessment I have asked around and my sister works with Adults with ASD and Learning problems and she said she has always suspected I have it and she thinks I have learnt to cope with it very well, the therapist noticed it within an hour, however my friends and colleagues don’t suspect a thing and think people may be wrong about me.
I know you guys won’t want to say if I am or not, but I was wondering if anyone here could sympathise with me after reading what I put below?
I also apologise in advance for dumping all this on you, it’s a big one, I’m 38 so if I am undiagnosed I have many years of crap to offload!!
I filled out an Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) questionnaire and marked it online. I scored 30, my sister read what I put and she said I score higher and I really don’t see myself as other people do. My therapist also scored me higher he put me at 37 after asking further questions, but I am feeling a little confused about it. I struggled with the questionnaire as it was hard to answer a question without giving the person marking it context, because in some situations I would agree and in others I would disagree so how could I possibly choose what one to put? The first week I was told I may be on the spectrum I was excited as if I was on the spectrum I would have a reason why things happen to me, the following week (remarking) I felt I was being forced to be on it and now I feel scared I might not meet the criteria and it will be taken away from me.
Deep down inside I know I can be odd and hard work I actually pride myself in it, I own it as such, but that could be just because I am right?
There are a few things that keep popping up that confuse me.
Social aspects
I consider myself social, I have a few friends, I crack jokes at work, I offer help and assistance to people. I can go somewhere without freaking out. In a group setting I do tend to freak out if I am singled out and the spotlight is on me, like for example at slimming world, if the consultant gets round to me and ask how my week has gone, I fidget, rub my hands and feel uneasy everyone is watching me. I don’t get why my sister will call her best friend every day, what do they get to talk about? I rarely call or text my friends, but I still keep in touch somehow.
I can meet new people and feel comfortable talking to them, but I don’t always keep them as friends, I can drop people and pick people up when I chose too. I am generally a nice person and I like to be liked, but I am also blunt and my sense of humour can be quite bitchy as I will pick on peoples weaknesses. I have quite often not gone out on social events as I would rather game, I am addicted to my MMO I play and when I play it I ignore the world around me, I can sit there for hours gaming from morning till night and not have a care in the world.
I do feel people don’t understand me, I know what I mean in my brain and I feel I said it in words and then I feel mis judged or they haven’t listened to what I just said and I get frustrated, so I either lash out, feel ashamed and dwell on it or give up depending on who it is and where I am. I can row with someone one day and forgive and forget as nothing happened the next.
If people come round I feel pissed off as its unannounced and I have to change what I am doing, where if people call and say they wanna come round as I know in advance I can be not logged onto my PC and be there for them. I normally game with other people and talk on voice comms with other people and I consider this social, my sister doesn’t? I’m confused by that.
I consider my time precious and it angers me when people mess with it and rarely get hung up or feel the need to care for other people’s problems.
Routine/order
I don’t have a set routine each day, I don’t think? Week days I know I got to go to work and come home and cook and then log onto my game and weekends I know I’m gaming or attending something if its booked it, but I do schedule stuff, I normally know what I am doing around what time and try to keep to that order.
I like things in certain places and often rearrange the glasses into my order if my son has put them back wrong, I will turn handles round on saucepans to line up. I like things in straight lines and will moan at people for not keeping up my preference.
Apart from that I am completely scatty, I forget things, lose things a lot, leave everything last minute if I feel its not important, leave my dirty clothes on the floor and generally quite careless. I sometimes even neglect myself and I consider a whole weekend not leaving the house, or getting dressed well spent.
Interests/information/data
I like to read, both fiction and non, if non it would normally be autobiography. I watch films and TV, fav films are fantasy and horror and my fav TV is reality, fantasy and documentaries. I love watching people. When there is something I am interested in I do research everything about it. When I started keeping tropical fish I spent weeks finding everything about the breeds, the habitat etc. etc. same with my game, I research that, I blog about it. I don’t necessarily obsess over information and data, but I am aware of it.
At work I would have more interest in solving a problem and playing around with huge data on a spreadsheet than other stuff. Some of the questions on the form I did ask about numbers and number plates. I do notice number plates, but I don’t obsess over them, and I prefer numbers as I hate English, I can’t spell properly, I read words wrong, I don’t pronounce stuff properly and I just don’t get it, I know there are rules to the language but I don’t remember them. I sometimes type words out jumbled up or backwards.
I can’t deal with too many things at once and if my concentration has been broken I can’t snap back in easily, my short term memory is terrible!
Other people
I told my sister I always try and imagine how another person might feel or what they went through. She disagrees completely; she thinks I imagine my version of what of it might be and not what they actually went through.
She said I am completely oblivious to her childhood as I think she had a great one looking in on it, but she says she didn’t and what I saw wasn’t what was happening. That doesn’t make sense to me. She also says I don’t always read expressions properly. I censor myself a lot if I told people what I really thought about things I wouldn’t be liked I don’t think as I have strong opinions, but I know to keep them hidden.
I am envious of other people and always feel I pulled the short straw at birth and everyone else has life better. I judge people on first meeting them and often if they don’t think like me or do things my way I think they are idiots.
Flapping etc?
I don’t tend to flap on the outside, but I do panic on the inside. I get round up about stuff and worry and think too much about stuff. I keep everything close and rarely disclose how I am feeling so I could be panicky inside but put on an image on the outside.
When I think about something I did wrong that caused me embarrassment or emotional pain I hum a short tune, but I only do this alone as I am very conscious of people watching me, this might be due to the fact I was bullied all through my school life and I worry about how people judge me. I sometimes feel I live a double life secret one person pretending to be another.
I have written over 1k words describing how I feel, how does one stupid questionnaire judge me on the answers to my questions without knowing all this context?
15 Feb 2017, 7:28 am
