Abusive "Aspergers" Female and BPD friend

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Hi, I'm a girl with BPD and anxiety and I was in a friendship with a girl who claimed she had Asperger's. I was fine with that I had met a few people Asperger's who seemed like nice enough, compassionate people even if they were a bit socially awkward. My friend and I became friends after we shared similar interests in things such as tv shows, music etc. So we got along somewhat except for our sense of humour. I had a very sarcastic, dry sense humour that she would have trouble understanding, and would often criticize it. Which annoyed the hell of me but I tried to cut it out and be careful what I said around her. But one day I took it bit to far when we hanging out with our friends. I saw one of our friends wearing a t shirt with triangles on it. I made a really dry, sarcastic joke about the illuminati. My Aspie friend turned to me and in a real serious and annoyed tone she said "You f***** ret*d. You know the illuminati does not exist right?" Our friends were all in shock including me. I (stupidly) decided to make more jokes to trying make the awkward vibe go. She was not hearing it I then became overwhelmed thinking she was not going not want to be my friend anymore. I started sobbing and saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I did not mean to upset you I am really sorry." She just smiled at then use this moment to talk to my friends about how all borderline's are stupid and emotionally unstable. I then from feeling overwhelmed from sadness turned to anger I yelled back "You know what? You're a piece sh#t just because you have Aspergers does not give the right to be a b*tch" She laughed and said "See borderline's are emotionally manipulative." I ran away crying feeling the adrenaline from anxiety.


I realised what a crappy person she really was she would use her Aspergers as an excuse to be mean or controlling and would brag about how she had a low EQ but a high IQ to make up for it... She would often gaslight me saying that I was "crazy" "emotionally manipulative" and something along the lines of that I could not have a proper opinion because I was BPD. When I had anxiety attacks she would show me no empathy. I ended up being tired and so mad about her lack of empathy I accused her of being a sociopath instead of aspergers. Big Mistake! She ended up blowing up on me calling me every mean name you could think of and told me that I should never make fun of Aspergers and call them sociopaths.

I could not believe her hypocrisy she had been making nasty comments about me being borderline but she expected me to respect the fact she had Aspergers which I did up to that point. I tried to point that out but she was not hearing it. I ended up ending my friendship with her because I realized it was hopeless and she was an as*hole.

After this incident I before I had a good opinion towards people on the spectrum even sticking up for them when people made jokes mocking Autism I hated it. But after this incident I had a very negative opinion of people on the spectrum I became distrustful and afraid of them but after awhile I realized not everyone on the spectrum is like my" friend". Hell, I'm not even sure she was "Aspergers" like she claimed...

Last edited by Hershey9999 on 17 Feb 2017, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well, there's no guarantee someone with Aspergers isn't also an a$$hole. OK, we're famously tactless. But your ex-"friend" wasn't just being tactless, she was actively malicious too. I'm glad you walked away from her.

I used to spend some time at a mental health outreach centre, back when I only had a diagnosis of anxiety disorder. It baffled me, how the staff assumed we'd all automatically get along. All of us with different mental illnesses, vulnerable and difficult in different ways, and as varied any randomly selected group of people. For me, it was /harder/ than other social stuff I did. If I don't hit it off with someone, it's not going to help if both my mind and theirs are abnormal in radically different ways.

Exactly. While I do think that we can empathize better with people with other mental disorders then most people I don't think that means will always get along with one another.

I agree with PhosphorusDecree. I'm a huge tact-free zone sometimes but I would never do what your ex-friend did to you; the guilt would chew me up! I go through life worrying that I've upset people and am forever asking if everyone is okay because I have trouble reading their expressions/tone of voice.

You're best off away from them.

Well anyone can be an as*hole. I don't know why some think having this diagnoses exempts them from it.

I have noticed some (not all) as*hole Aspergers try to use it as an excuse to be mean and rude to people. I get not understanding social cues but blatantly insulting people is not okay whether Aspergers, BPD, ADHD etc or not. If you make a mistake and accidentally insult someone you apologize and try learn from it. Not use your disorder as an excuse.

About two weeks ago I was in the public library around here. There was a teen there who spoke very loudly and obnoxiously, even going so far to explain to people around him that he's autistic, and if they don't like his crassness, then they can go stuff it. I think he may be using his autism to be mean, then claim he can't help cussing the way he does. Since I'm not a psychiatrist, I can't tell if his obnoxiousness is autism or mental illness related, or he's just a garden-variety prick.

For all I know, it may very well be that he can't control his obnoxious behaviour. Over the years, I've encountered a handful of people right here on WP who seem like pricks, and they're people I'd avoid like the plague if I met them. Maybe they really can't help it and are destined to live the rest of their lives in utter loneliness. Since autism is a social malfunction condition, it may very well be that some of us can't help seeming like worthless pricks; intelligent, yes, but worthless social ret*ds in the end.

Your ex-friend sounds more like a narcissist than an autistic. Gaslighting is a hallmark behavior of narcissism. And an autistic would likely feel ashamed of their lack of social skills, while a narcissist would be more likely to brag about treating people badly. I guess she be both narcissistic and autistic.

An Aspie is rude because they don't know any better, but a narcissist is intentionally rude because they know it will tear you down. And gaslighting requires a pretty well-developed Theory of Mind, because it would require the gaslighter to know how their actions will make their victim feel. I vote that your ex-friend is a narcissist.

Whatever she is, I would stay away from people who intentionally upset you, especially if they do it in front of other people. Life is short, I am sure you can find other people to spend time with who won't make you cry.

My ex used their "disorder" as an excuse to not understand or try and get things or even try and change their behavior and to just keep acting the way they do towards me and last September my ex found my blog and wrote how she wishes (she was a guy when when we were together) I would read about her "diagnoses" to understand her better but that came off to me as "I wish you would read about my disorders I claim to have to excuse everything I have done to you and how I have treated you because it's those disorders that make me act like an abusive controlling jerk." That pissed me off and I was glad when she wrote how she found what I wrote about her was upsetting. I just thought "good."

As someone who has been diagnosed with this disorder, I have always tried to get things by asking questions, trying to listen to them, ask them for their view and why they feel that way, etc. She didn't do that. I have also put a lot of effort in changing my behaviors by figuring out what the rules are and how nice people act and what is rude behavior and how mean people act so I will know how not to treat people so I won't come off wrong. Also I would just do what people would want me to do just to be nice because I want to make people happy and be a good person. She did none of that stuff so I think she used her "AS" as an excuse and she wasn't even diagnosed with it then. I also thought she made it up to justify herself and to have an excuse for her behavior. She also claimed PTSD.

But seriously if aspies are really not capable of doing these things, I must have been misplaced as being put on the spectrum and all those web pages about aspies being cold hearted and abusive are all true.

I thought she had NPD as well as Asperger's because she could not understand sarcasm and she reminded me very much of this girl who I knew was at least a narcissist or a sociopath. That's why I accused her of being a sociopath that time.

I think that people who use "AS" as excuse for bad behavior and dont try to change it. Either have another personality disorder or are really assholish Aspie's. You however seem decent that you try to change behaviors that a rude and improve yourself unlike you're ex. My "ex friend" had claimed she was diagnosed as Aspie. She could of been lying though.

My ex claimed in my blog in her comment that she has BPD and Schizoaffective the Bipolar type and PTSD. But when we were together I didn't see any wild mood swings or sudden outbursts. She only did the sudden outburst with me on the phone one time and I don't buy it was her "disorder" or otherwise she would have done that to everyone else and to me but I didn't see any of that in our relationship. As for BPD, yeah that would explain her low self esteem and her depression and her low self image of herself and the anxiety and why she was so clingy to me but she would always call me self centered whenever I didn't want to be with her all the time and she used her PTSD to ignore me whenever she felt I was acting too immature for her because her ex supposedly called her a pedophile so that supposedly traumatized her. As for AS, she made no effort to change anything about herself. I felt she used it as a crutch. But yet would say how she wanted to be normal. The BPD would also explain why she would act loving towards me and act like she understood me and then do the not understanding of me and feeling disgusted towards me and go towards ignoring me, the splitting thing they call it.
She also acted narcissistic, a covert one.

Could she have made any of these disorders up, I don't know. Asking me to understand her is like asking someone to try and understand their abuser or their rapist so hopefully they could change how they feel about them.

I am aware of the stigma on BPD and how they are portrayed as manipulative and abusers and see victim stories about it and I have seen far worse stories about it than I have experienced with mine but I can still relate to some of them like the denial about their abuse they have done, not taking responsibility, not seeing another perspective, being so judgmental, broken promises, claiming disorders, and it's all similar to what I read about narcissism. But yet I still haven't made a website about BPD warning others how dangerous you guys are and how you will destroy our self esteem and so on like some people have about Asperger's.

As some one with BPD I recognize that sometimes I unintentionally hurt people which can sometimes be seen as manipulative and toxic. For an example I tend to idolize people who I am with and think they are the greatest thing ever! But if they do something to upset me. I will hate them and shut off from them. I don't know why I do it and they don't either...It hurts them and I feel bad. I am trying to get better by acknowledging how I feel if they upset me and try to talk with them about it instead of shutting them off. It's known as "splitting"

I think we should always try to work on our disorder instead of using it as a crutch.

Your ex-friend sounds like she is both autistic and a jerk, not a sociopath. Most autistic people aren't jerks though.