So im not doing so well..

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Seasonal depression is no stranger to me. Every year around febuary its the same. I cant sleep anymore, i dont feel like feeding myself, everything besides sitting on the couch staring at my television exauhsts me. Its usualy the same and this year is nothing special.

Ive been smoking a lot of weed, that doesnt help. Well i mean it helps with the anxiety.

I lost 10 pounds because i just cant bring myself to eat. I also have started considering suicide, today i tied a garbage bag over my head so i could feel what its like to sufforcate, i struggled to breath for 3 minutes before my dog started pawing at me.

Im also cutting myself again. Its a little more than i did before but whatever.

I honestly dont know what to do. I feel like im not going to last...

I mark the position of the sun at the same time every day, to see hope returning. I second the advice about using full-spectrum lighting, except near bedtime when warmer hues are better. My best advice is to take that dog for more and longer walks. Dogs have saved more than one life, including a current friend who could barely get down his driveway three years ago. When exercise makes me tired, I congratulate myself on feeling just like a famous athlete.

Now I worry about you instead of sleeping. I've been depressed a lot, and there's not much logic to how the episodes end, but they do.

I have SAD and a light, but I don't even have the energy to get out the light and use it. What is changing me a little is yesterday there was some bright sun (finally) and it is getting warm enough that I opened the windows to let in some fresh air. I also went out and spent the afternoon with some of my neighbors (which is usually unthinkable) and actually had a good time and felt a little more "alive". If I stay inside for long periods, my SAD gets worse I find. I also understand how hard it is to have to "force" yourself to get out and do things. I'm getting new outdoor furniture (which will be hell to put it together since I have no energy for anything), but I'm excited about the new furniture and it will also force me to go outside more. I seem to feel happier being outside with the birds and nature and being able to look up at the stars. Being outside, I am also able to see some cars and be out among the living again which makes me a little less depressed and alone.

I know your area has been getting lots of snow, too.

I know Downeast Maine has gotten walloped really bad.

You've probably had at least 50 cms over the past week.

Can you do your art? Your art is good.

I don't want you to go.

I'm sorry to hear your depression has got so bad. If you are putting a bag over your head and doing dry runs of suicide attempts, you need to seek help. Have you ever talked to Kidshelpphone before? I remember calling them a lot when I was suffering severe depression when I was 18 to 20 years ago and remember talking to the counselors helped me quite a bit and stopped me from harming myself at the time. They have instant messaging, text, and forums if you are more comfortable speaking that way instead of speaking on the phone. They are completely annonymous too so you don't have to fear being taken anywhere against your will simply because you reached out for help. Why not give them try?

https://www.kidshelpphone.ca/teens/home/splash.aspx

1-800-668-6868

I know the winters can be quite depressing in Canada, especially worse if you live farther North. I used to struggle with SAD on top of other forms of depression every Januaryish. I tried lightboxes and vitamin D supplements but I found taking vitamin D 3000 to 4000 IU a day to help keep my mood at or slightly above neutral around 80%+ of the time since I started taking it daily in Decembee 2015. Maybe that might help you too.

Hang in there.

Sweet Pea hugs

The self harm urges are getting worse. I can fource happiness but everytime i do i crash even harder.

Im considering going back to the psych ward... Or esle i worry ill get too low again and do something irreversable.

Is it worth it to go back if i know my seasonal depression will pass? Should i just stop thinking about it? I honestly dont know..

About SAD; better than waiting for it to pass is using a combination of a sunlight lamp and vitamin D supplements. If you haven't tried both those things for a period of time, you really should. They can be really effective.

Also, they're a lot better for you than weed. And more fun than the psych ward.

That said, it's better to be in the psych ward than to do something really stupid.

Please take care of youself. I'm rooting for you!

When things get really bad for me, and all my thinking is a frustrating circle, I remember that I'm still breathing and focus on that as much as I can. The constant in and out are like waves on a shore, or day and night, or even seasons passing, and so it reminds me that all things do pass. There are hundreds of meditation methods, and they all amount to different ways to help us focus on our breathing. When there seems to be a large space between each breath, the cares have melted away for a while.

One time, a minister had had a very busy week, and on Sunday morning he realized that he hadn't prepared a sermon. Instead, he decided to ask everyone in the congregation to talk a little bit about their favourite Bible passage. Things were going along pretty well, with Psalms well represented, when an old fellow in the third row had his turn. He stood up, said "And it came to pass" and sat down again.
The minister asked him to continue the quotation, and say where it appeared.
"Oh, it doesn't matter what else goes with it" he replied "I just like how the Bible never starts off with "And it came to stay."

Do you think maybe the weed contributes at all to those suicidal thoughts? Sometimes it elevates my mood and can lift me out of that dark place but other times especially when in excess I feel like it unleashes a torrent of self-loathing & suicidal thoughts. It's weird since I feel disconnected to it now like my brain is malfunctioning, I recognize it now. I know it's irrational and passing but that doesn't make it not hurt. I don't feel like it really helps that much with anxiety that much and is a trigger in of itself. Does it not help you with appetite?

If you need to go back to the psych ward for a bit because your urges to self-harm are too great, then I think you should. Just to get some extra help because you sound like you are going through a difficult depression atm.

Zombie bride , why do you smoke weed ? What is it that makes it so hip with people your age ? The stuff smells like skunk. I really really hate the stuff. never smoked the stuff but I've seen people smoke it in public like the park by my house. I hate the stuff. Makes my eyes burn and my nose fill. Makes me wheeze. I hate marijuana.

That aside , I think you're you're going through is just depression. My sister has the same thing. I'm thinking maybe it's a thing women go through around late teens/early adult life. I don't know.

And it's ok to feel depressed and not like doing anything. But just make a little effort to overcome it and be more productive.

And stop cutting yourself. Life can be wonderful but it's what you make of it.

Stop hurting yourself. You'll hurt others. It doesn't stop with the blade. The pain continues with those you hurt. So stop it. TALK TO ME ! I'm here. Suicide is never the answer. It doesn't solve anything. You'll hurt those who love you.