Support group situation (stated better)

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Recently I posted about my experiences with a local support group. I've been attending their meetings since the fall and the experience overall has been great- I've met some cool people, and I've been learning about my own situation as well.

I had posted about some problems that had occurred at previous meetings, and got some good advice about how to address them. At the most recent meeting, earlier this week, the organizers were keeping the discussion on track, and we had a great discussion about how to be honest one's Asperger's in the face of the negative stereotypes and dealing with the misconceptions that many people have about Asperger's.

The organizers being more assertive about keeping the moving along worked fine. The one individual being loud did take the spotlight for part of the meeting but ironically it he was responding to part of our discussion about being honest about being an aspie and dispelling the misconceptions people have about it, including the idea that apsies and others on the spectrum are anti-social. Basically he was demanding to know why people in the group weren't talking to him or returning calls, and it was pointed out to him that he was calling people excessively- and explained that many on the spectrum are more introverted and find being too social to be exhausting. We also told him about finding people with similar interests to hang out with rather than being so focused on just having friends who are on the spectrum. He got upset and insisted that he wanted to talk to others who were autistic, so why wouldn't anyone talk to him, like a demand. The organizers got things back on track though, and the meeting ended well, and the after meeting dinner was fun.

We're still trying to figure out what to do about him- both in terms of how to *not* have him or anyone else hijack a meeting, while at the same time making an honest effort to understand his situation. From what he talks about , it sounds like he does have other things going on, even college classes. At the same time, he comes to the meetings like that's the only thing he has going on. It seems that he honestly doesn't realize that his behavior is making people uncomfortable, but then he acts suprised when we're going to a dinner location that was already agreed upon by the group- he makes a suggestion for a restaurant he likes, but it's after everyone else has agreed on a location, and at the meeting, tells us he thought we were going to the place he suggested, after he was already told where we were going.

The overall issue is that the group is stated as being for adults with Asperger's, and honestly he seems to have nothing in common with the group. If he were high functioning and just plain behaving badly, that would be easy to deal with, but in his case, it's about trying to keep the focus of the group on it's main mission while still being fair to him. Would it be appropriate to find a group that he might get more out of and point him towards that? I hate the idea of excluding anyone, and he's not doing anything egregious enough to warrant being told to leave. It's challenging trying to come up with a diplomatic solution. How to be inclusive without the losing focus on the group's primary mission.

It's just so funny that you are complaining about an individuals Aspergers symptoms while in a meeting for people with Aspergers to talk about their issues.

Just as it is flying over his head that he is annoying people and selfish, it is flying over your head that these are the very issues you should be talking about. Perhaps you were lucky and experienced some early interventions in your life, or maybe you're just better in social situations. But this guy has some real problems and you can clearly see them and why don't you just use him as an example at the next meeting? Don't use his name. You could say, I know this guy that I think has Autism, and he keeps doing this annoying thing...what can I do to deal with him? Or for the benefit of the annoying guy, pretend like you are the one with the annoying problems. Say you want help recognizing when you are being like this.

Well, my point is, don't exclude him. He needs help most of all. It might well be the only thing he has in his life. Think how depressing that is. He needs to understand that people aren't possessions, that you can't force them into friendships, but at the same time this is a support group that I assume is open to the general public. It's not just somewhere to go and have a good time. It probably is hard and challenging. It should be at times.

You know, I think you're on to something. One of the mysteries to me has been why it seems like a lot of other people on the spectrum were noticed as needing help when they were young, I feel like no one said anything about my behaviors or special interests until I was older (around middle school age) and the efforts to "fix" my issues were really obnoxious and ultimately not helpful, but I did learn to be aware of those issues even though I didn't know what to call my condition. And there had to be problems when I was younger so part of the mystery is why no one ever said anything to me then instead of (to me anyway) deciding when I was 12 it was a problem. So perhaps that's what's really bothering me- not him personally, but seeing someone who might not have gotten help earlier, or like in my case the "help" might have been so over the top that he too might have seen it as not applicable to him, if that makes sense.

Worst case, and it's really sad if this is the case, is that for whatever reason, his family never got him the help he needed or were in denial about it.

It occurred to me that that it might be even be that he's more aware of his situation than he's letting on, but can't easily express it- wanting to talk to others on the spectrum not a "demand" but trying to say that he *does* see something in common with others on the spectrum and doing what a lot of people do, figuring they can gain insights about themselves by being around people with similar conditions.

Perhaps it might be helpful to bring up what he's doing as a broader issue that anyone on the spectrum would benefit from discussing. You suggestion about presenting it as if it were about me is indeed a possibility too.

The group is stated as a support group for adults with asperger's, and although I'm still new, I get the impression that expanding it to include lower functioning people wasn't a part of the "mission", but there's no rule about "aspies only" either, so him being there in of itself isn't a problem, and in all honesty if ultimately he does get something from being there, then that's a good thing. He's not trying to disrupt the meetings or deliberately coming on strong about trying to make friends, so I know we have to look at it that way.



Thanks for this perspective

I inferred that you think that he may not belong to a support group for adults with Asperger's because he is "lower functioning". That sounds strange to me; because none of his behavior sounds "lower functioning" to me. Maybe "lower functioning" than you, maybe "lower functioning" than the other members in your group, but not "lower functioning" than an average adult with Asperger's.

I was realizing that I was sounding too harsh or absolute about it. I'm still trying to understand the way the definitions are used- is Asperger's and high functioning autism the same thing? And high vs. low functioning, they way I've seen discussed, implies one thing, but I've also seen where those definitions seem blurred, and I'm trying not to be so black and white about it. Perhaps he's closer to everyone else's level than he appears, except his behaviors are more obvious.

Either way, I'm doing my best to better understand the whole situation.

Yes. Asperger's is no longer/will soon no longer be (depending on your country) a separate diagnosis because of that.

He seems high functioning if he's managing college and can communicate effectively, maybe he has a comorbid emotional/behavioural disorder.

That is where some of the confusion is coming from, I think. On the surface, some of his behavior seems in line with what I've seen those with intellectual disabilities doing, but when he was expressing his frustration about how people won't talk to time, and talking about his other activities and interests, that doesn't line up with being lower functioning. High functioning, but perhaps some other disorder that makes it more difficult for him to really express himself? That's where I wish there was an easier way to address his issues and how they relate to the group but still be accepting and trying to help.

I admit it that the more I think about it, it's very possible that my being critical is because I'm lower functioning that I've been willing to admit, and have just been better at hiding it.

I'm going to be honest- I'm starting to think that part of what's bothering me is that I'm seeing someone who initially comes across as lower functioning behaving in a way I might have used to behave a long time ago. Not to the extent that he does, but I did socialize in similar ways, in terms of a "I'm doing x,y, and z, so why aren't people acting like....." or calling people too much but not knowing a line was crossed until confronted about it. It was a very long time ago, and really only happened a few times, but it still happened. Which has me now thinking that I'm not as high functioning as I thought, as I've posted elsewhere, and I'm rethinking my whole perspective on my situation. Critical of someone else's behavior because I'm in denial.

It might even be possible that I'm the one who is lower functioning, just that I'm better at hiding it.

But I hope I can benefit from whatever help being in the group I can get.

I've been feeling really bad about all of this because it was never my intent to come across as questioning what someone's condition really is or questioning their right to be in the group. I was feeling conflicted- sensory issues set off by his behavior but not wanting to make my comfort override someone's right to be there, as well as realizing that I was bothered by his behavior because I've done things like that a long time ago, so I realized it wasn't fair to be critical of someone who was doing things I might have done myself.

So, I apologize for identifying as an aspie but being clueless about what it all really means- and getting caught up with terms and definitions for things that far more varied than that.

So, any advice on how not to show obvious signs of discomfort when he talks loud? And would it be appropriate to let him call or text me and just accept that I need to not be too busy to talk?

I go to various support groups myself, including intensive outpatient, Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Last month I went to an Asperger's support group and it went relatively well. The only downer part about it was that when I was introducing myself, the facilitator cut me off, saying that we had to get to the other people in the group and let them speak. I almost felt like crying after that, but I eventually got over it. However, in IOP, OMG! Some of the people in there drive me CRAZY! Especially this one girl who said that she thinks that AA is a cult. I was very insulted by that. But that's just her opinion. Also, she's loud, fat, talks to herself, grinds her teeth loudly and talks like she's a toddler. Ok, perhaps I'm being mean here, but I find her irritating. I'm sorry. I'm just being honest. Every time we do introductions in group, she mentions being addicted to the razor blade, but she says it like "wazor bwade". Ok, enough of me being mean. The AA and NA meetings I go to aren't as bad. In fact, this one I go to in the evenings is pretty good. Even though it's a gay/lesbian meeting (I'm not gay or a lesbian), I feel welcome there and everyone is nice to me. However, in another AA meeting I used to go to in the mornings, it was just full of horny old men hitting on me. Luckily, I found IOP to replace that meeting, so I don't have to worry about those guys anymore. Ok, there's my experience with support groups.

No need to apologize, as there is always something more to learn through our experiences, and, you seem to want to make applicable adjustments, and apply what you have learned, to future experiences.

In terms of 'not showing obvious signs of discomfort when the group member speaks loudly', I can very much, relate to this, as loud talking can cause me to become quite anxious, so, personally, I might wind up making a request of the member (in private/not in front of the group, per se) to lower his voice, a bit. I think this could be an acceptable request, considering the fact that it is a group for Aspies, and being sensitive to loud sounds, including voices, can be a common trait.

I don't think it is your (or anyone else') responsibility to allow him to call or text, however, if you wanted to give him the opportunity (as I, personally would, likely, want to try), I would set very clear boundaries, initially. If you stick to the boundaries that you put in place, and he respects them, then, perhaps you can be of support and kindness, and a friend to him/to chat with, while keeping your interactions manageable/comfortable, and perhaps, quite enjoyable for you and your needs, as well. Just my thoughts.... : )

Last edited by Britte on 11 Mar 2017, 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can kind of relate to that immature fat girl, and that's because I'm still trying to let go of my goth phase while still being myself. I feel sorry for that immature fat girl, and those of you in your thirties should realize that she was there to voice out her problems. If majority rules and says you should cancel out the depressed, frustrated, and realistic because they do nothing in society except "whine", then to me that is their fault because you can leave the door.

I agree with this here: