Family Dilemma

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Hello,
I have another family dilemma related to my Asperger's and ASD tendencies.
So, last summer my aunt and her boyfriend from southern CA came to stay with us (in OH) and I was very excited about their visit, planning stuff my aunt and I could do together. The day I had to pick them up from the airport after their CA-OH flight, my aunt got wound up about our schedule. We did what we planned to do the next day, and the day after that, but then she misunderstood our schedule (yeah, right) and refused to do any of it anymore. I was upset, but I had to hide it. Don't get me wrong, I them and all of my family, but they stayed way too long (8 days) and my routines were gone already. I made it through the rest of the week. The dilemma is a couple months later, my aunt's daughter (my cousin) was diagnosed with cancer, and my aunt, my cousin, and my cousin's daughter out in CA are all stressed out and sad. I pray for my cousin (who has cancer) daily with lots of and faith, but I can't bring myself to forgive my aunt completely for what happened last visit (she got wound up over silly stuff, we didn't do as much as I had hoped, etc.) My aunt doesn't know I am mad at her. Should I forgive her or just forget about the whole thing?
Sincerely,
Arctos L. Lowood

It sounds as if you and your aunt had differing wants and needs for her visit. I can't imagine she intended to upset you and perhaps didn't realise how important the schedule was to you? At the same time she might have found the schedule too rigid or regimented for her liking and so felt stressed or under pressure. It's possible she lied about misunderstanding to avoid offending you? This is all hypothetical of course. Is your aunt aware of your Asperger's?

It also sounds like you care a lot about your family. Just because your cousin is ill doesn't mean you are obligated to forgive your aunt but at the same time it might be good to try and put aside your grievances for the sake of the family. It might be hard but possibly a very selfless act? Normally I might suggest talking to your aunt but I'm not sure that would be appropriate given the stress she's under. Perhaps seek advice from your parents?

While what happened with your aunt was unpleasant, does this one moment in time negate all the positive her?

We all screw up. We all do things others don't understand. My MIL (who is on the spectrum) makes plans that are very over scheduled and regimented. Those schedules and plans are to her like air is to other people.

I.hate.it.with.the.the.fire.of.a.supernova. My MIL has no concept of how long things take. When it doesn't happen exactly how she expected, she melts down. In front of everyone. Her meltdowns are legendary. I remember visits by where she melted down (that restaurant, museum, store...).

I could draw a line in the sand and say f*ck this sh*t. Tired of the overplanned, micromanaging foolishness that ends in my MIL meltdown publicly. (since she's 80 now, people think it's dementia, it's not. She been doing this all her life).

I still go visit her.

There is more good to her than bad. She is a very good grandmother to my daughter. She is kind. Wants people to have a good time. Problem is, those public and private meltdowns/shut downs are a big enough issue to be a deal breaker. It takes ME a week to decompress from visiting her.

But...my life would be less not seeing her. I'm willing to over look/ignore/excuse/try to understand some pretty non pleasant behavior because I love her.

Just like I hope someone would take mercy on my dumb ass for thoughtless/stupid things that I'm not aware I did.

If your aunt is more a positive in your life, than a negative, I would let it go. Maybe next time if she visits, maybe the two of you can figure out a schedule that would work for the both of you.

Hoping your cousin is feeling better.

You have probably heard this before, but it is (generally speaking) better for you if you do not retain your negative emotions against your aunt. Especially as she probably had no idea that she would/did upset you so much and bears you no ill will. Forgiving her would probably help you get over your emotional distress.
Good luck.