Difficult to describe

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I have this feeling inside my head that is difficult to describe. I don't have a word for it at this point, maybe someone here will understand. I have lost a lot of motivation to do things I enjoy due to major depression. However I find that when trying to push myself to read or study, I eventually run into this feeling inside my head that it is rejecting any further input. I don't get disoriented or anything, it just seems like my mind has reached some kind of internal limit and is revolting against any further stimulation. Sometimes I get kind of dizzy and have to lay down for a while. This can last for hours or even return if I haven't gotten through it. Eventually it will go away and I'll be more normal again for a while. Does anyone else experience this or know what this is?

I think I know what you mean. I'm meant to be writing my dissertation right now and have had SO MUCH TIME in which to do it... and yet I'm just laying here playing mind numbing repetitive games because my brain is just like NOPE.

Sometimes when reading I feel 'overloaded' and stop... the closest physical equivalent I can think of is when an athlete describes 'hitting a wall' only I've never wanted much to push through it

I've noticed I've been doing that of late when I've been reading in the evenings. I just find that I have to stop and do something else for a while - usually just sit and think. I know weekend mornings of late can be slow to get going unless I've made a plan for what I am going to do the previous evening.

A few years ago I had an operation under a general anesthetic, and basically for about a week after I couldn't move about very well. I sat in my room (apart from meal times) and watched fishing programmes recorded from Discovery Shed from breakfast till supper. I was too mentally fatigued to even read (I did try). That could have been the GA working out of my system, or it could have been the stress of the operation - I don't know.

The same thing happened when I was off work sick prior to my eventual diagnosis. Sitting in my chair just thinking about things and not wanting to actually do anything - which is most unlike me.

That seems to be exactly what it is like. It doesn't happen all the time though. There are times when my level of obsession is so great I cannot stop reading and an entire day goes by without my realizing it. Maybe it has to do with motivation? I get the same effect from music as well but I've related that to just being overloaded and needing a break. I love music but sometimes it causes mental pain like above and I require absolute quiet for a while. Maybe it's a similar thing with reading and being "overloaded".

I've found the same thing with making plans. I tend to deteriorate significantly without the structure of a plan and accomplish nothing I want to get done. I end up sitting doing nothing like watching a program episode after episode or disconnecting and entering this place where my mind doing nothing. I want to do things but I can't seem to make myself do any of them. I know I need a plan but I struggle to create one and maintain it. I need someone to help me create the plan and push me to maintain it. Working helps with that but I don't work consistently and it causes it's own problems.

Sick is where I am not, without the structure of a day job everything gets worse, I also end up not wanting to do anything and that is also unlike me. I generally want to be doing things. My major depression likely plays into this as well.

It's funny you should mention music because occasionally I'll need to just pull my headphones out as I've just had enough... it's almost automatic where I just don't want to listen to music anymore, even if I was previously enjoying it. It is rare this happens and I wonder if it's something NTs also experience but it's still something I've obviously taken note of.

As for the possible info overload... I wouldn't be surprised if motivation is a factor... at least in some cases.

I guess everyone, NTs and otherwise can get a feeling of frustration or overwhelm when trying to read or write but perhaps we feel that a little more intently?

I don't have sensory meltdowns so it's hard to tell what's 'normal' and what isn't.

I remember being on a fairground ride and thinking I was going to have a seizure as my brain felt like it wanted to bust out the back of my skull and after I felt sick... perhaps that was overload as it was the combined input that did it to me and the information and music thing feels like a much lesser version of that (a milder brain pressure without the nausea)?

The thing with the music usually happens to me very quickly. If I don't stop I will start to feel off and will get nausea. This tends to come in phases as I'll have a lot of episodes for a while and then it will go away for another while.

I think we do experience, or at least react to frustration, much more intensely. I don't have sensory meltdowns either but I do not like rides. There is one exception to this, that being rides with lots of spinning that are at low elevations. I don't like any kind of motion unless I have control over it.

I'm waiting on an assessment for ASD but I do get similar feelings , I also have major depression so I always thought it was a depression thing because I don't remember feeling that way before depression although that was a long time ago and my memory is not what it used to be.

The music thing is very sudden for me to. I'm now curious as to how i'd feel if I ignored my instinct so may experiment on myself next time...

I can relate to some of what you say about planning also. For me, I sometimes 'want to want to do things' but often do very little. When I'm motivated I can get quite a bit done but it often seems to take something that is novel, or dramatic,or in some other way personally interesting, to actually motivate me which is not a good way to be. A lot of people seem to advocate just starting whatever it is and then the motivation will follow. I know I need to be more disciplined as this is something I've consistently lacked but at the same time I'd rather that weren't necessary.

I also do a lot better with a clear plan and someone pushing me (albeit gently) but the latter feels like a cop out and unhealthy dependency.

Building healthy habits is meant to be beneficial in these areas. They may not overcome any underlying executive dysfunction issues but will help lingering depressive habits and symptoms

It could be, having co-morbid conditions certainly creates confusion as to what is causing exactly what. Major Depression certainly impairs memory, I have found that myself. It is frustrating when you can't operate at the level you are used to. Although after a while the depression becomes normal and it's harder and harder to distinguish what is typical and what is depression.

If you do experiment, and it goes the way it does for me, expect to be miserable for several hours at least and not able to deal with any more input during that time.

I wish I could "just start" but I need motivation. If I don't have motivation to do something it is nearly impossible for me to do it. External rewards help little with this as I am driven by internal motivation. Discipline is something I never acquired to any large extent. Some things, like regular grooming etc, I have been able to do by making them into rules, but without some kind of structure, it is nearly impossible to set those things to happen at any particular time. I also fail at those periodically as well.

The key is gently, once someone adopts an authoritarian stance, it's over. I also have a desire to live without needing the help of others when I am not depressed. However, it has taken me this long to finally admit that I need some help with different things. I try to push myself too hard and try to do too many things and I fail. I guess it does all come back to poor executive function. I fall apart completely without structure.