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ProfessorJohn
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10 Mar 2017, 11:35 pm

I have had a few family members and friends die in the past couple of years, and after talking to some NTs who have had similar experiences, I have come to realize I don't really feel grief like they do. One of my cousins was telling me how he cut himself off from most social things for a while after a friend of his died. My sister really went to pieces after each of our parents died, and she cried every day for a couple of months afterwards. I haven't had any experiences like this. I just kind of acknowledged that they died, and went on with life.

I don't think this means that I didn't love them, or miss them from time to time, I just don't seem to have much of a grief reaction to these losses. Is that common with Aspergers?



FandomConnection
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10 Mar 2017, 11:54 pm

I am undiagnosed, and I have not had any friends or family members die since I was about 8 years old. However, I have had a few people I really love (mostly teachers) move away, so I will probably never see or hear from them again. At these times, I have been very upset (as many of my teachers are more like parents to me than my actual parents have ever been), and I still sometimes cry about losing them years after I saw them last. My distress at the time of saying farewell (for those I knew were going) would cause me physical pain. I don't know if this is what you describe, but that is my experience.


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burnt_orange
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10 Mar 2017, 11:59 pm

I think it's normal. I don't have much experience with death, but when was a kid my grandpa died and though I loved him tremendously, I accepted this fact very quickly and it seemed normal that he wasn't there anymore.

I've had many cats die and I cry immediately, but then I am fine.

The one thing I would say I have experienced a lot of grief over is the separation of my ex husband. It felt like death. It still hurts years and years later.



firemonkey
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11 Mar 2017, 1:58 am

When my wife died my immediate response to it lacked much emotionality. Ditto for when my mother died.



wrongcitizen
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11 Mar 2017, 4:46 am

What think is due to us being cut off from our emotions (Not entirely, just less than NTs), we tend to feel what they feel to a lesser degree. Also, I would say I feel them extremely strongly, I just can't identify them so I go months to years without realizing anything is wrong. Usually I get severe apathy and depression and I don't know what's causing it, until someone tells me someone I knew just died, then somehow that awakens me to the reality, but I still don't understand what I'm feeling.

Also, I don't know if this is true and I doubt it to be honest, and this is a very heartless answer, but I believe that a lot of stronger emotions that neurotypicals display are for attention and bonding purposes. Often things like extreme excitement, happiness, or sadness are to communicate with others. For example, when someone who they don't even know (like a celebrity, etc) dies, and they go into severe supposed depression for years. I can't possibly relate to that so I am hesitant to believe this theory, but if it is indeed true then the second reason for US feeling this way is that we don't use social signals to convey the pain and sadness, so as a result we don't blow it out of proportion and we're faster to accept it. Feel free to disagree with anything :)



Chichikov
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11 Mar 2017, 7:27 am

I didn't feel any grief when my mother died. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not really attached to my family, or if it's because I'll never feel grief.



Skilpadde
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11 Mar 2017, 8:41 am

I feel the grief of lost loved ones (family members and pets) very strongly, and it takes me a very long time to be out of the worst. I find that a quote I once saw holds true for me: Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes the scar tissue thicker. I don't relate to just accepting the fact and moving on at all. The first ca year I cry pretty much daily and feel so much pain at the loss it's close to unbearable. The only thing that makes anything worth it then, is my remaining loved ones and the memories. It takes much longer to get back to feeling more like myself again, and it gets harder the older I get/for each new loss.
Even decades later I can suddenly be reminded of something they did or said and burst out crying in a sudden onslaught of pain at the loss and missing them; it'll usually just last a few minutes, but it's strong while it lasts.

Things like play mates moving away or schools ending have never affected me like that at all though. It usually doesn't affect me at all. It felt melancholic that I wasn't gonna see my elementary school again as I'd gone there for six years, and the evening when we held our end of school thing, I walked the corridors alone saying goodbye, particularly to one classroom in particular that had some special stuff in it, and a monitor with an exhibit I liked, but once I left I didn't give it another thought.


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11 Mar 2017, 9:20 am

Yes. Luckily, I so far have not experienced too many grievous situations, but even when pets died I cried for days afterwards.


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Jacoby
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11 Mar 2017, 9:25 am

I think grief is pretty specific to the person and the relationship they had with the deceased, I was closer to my grandmother than anyone else in the world and thinking about it can bring tears to my eyes almost on command. I don't have that many people in my life and it hurts a lot to lose someone that you love and consider a true & honest friend, I accept her death but I still miss her everyday and so wish I could talk to her again and share whats in my life.



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12 Mar 2017, 3:53 am

No, but I'm alexithymic, so hardly surprising.


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goatfish57
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12 Mar 2017, 7:05 am

We all experience grief in different forms. I have lost friends, family, jobs, .... Some were easier than others. One of my deficits is that my emotions are under developed. So I tend to experience extremes and they are painful.

This will sound silly, but my gym is closing. Am I permitted to feel grief? Because, change bothers me.

Don't be hard on yourself. Read a novel where people experience grief. You may be surprised.


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