facilitate a talk between NT and Aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all,
I am an NT. I have a family member with ASD. I wanted to know about how to communicate effectively with you guys (People on AS) without creating many misunderstandings.
A little bit about me: -NT
- kind of straight forward (but selectively)
- English is my second language so please go easy on my grammar and vocabulary.

I have been reading your posts (on different topics) the past few days and i found it very interesting from your points of view. Truly fascinating. From what i can understand from these posts, it seems like most Aspie have the strong desire to join in the social conversation but often find it either too shallow or complicated due to the social cues.
For me I do think that there are a lot of us NT who really want to communicate with you guys as well. We just not sure how to get pasts the misunderstanding that certain words cause. We grew up learning to socialize and it is critical for us. Some of us NT are excellent at it and some are not. For most of us it is manageable but we do have our moments when we want to die of embarrassment because we said something that is not what we intended to say.

For example: i recently have a conversation with someone who I didn't know was an Aspie about ABA therapy. I made a mistake tell her that the way she chose her words made me feel aggression (as a parent of autistic child) so I asked her if she can change her tone a little bit so her ideas can be understood by parents as well because i understand what she is saying but with the way it is said, i am afraid other parents might reject it. And let just say that after that comment, the s**t hit the fan since it seems like i am bullying an autistic person for their way of talking when really it was not my intention.I found out later that she was autistic and I apologized. I tried to explain and it got worse because everything i said were being perceived as negative remarks toward the other person and I feel really bad about it.

I guess my question to you is how do I go about communicate with this person or other people on the spectrum in the future without making them feel like i am bullying them when i am just try to suggest a different approach? Or maybe it something that should not be mentioned at all? Let me know your opinion ! (And Yes I mean it )

Last edited by red1818 on 12 Mar 2017, 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have Asperger's Syndrome and I just like to be treated like everyone else!

( also, how you wrote "People on ASD" I'm just thinking "People on LSD?!" )

I mean people on the spectrum in general. English is my second language so please let me know if i say something inappropriate/wrong.

So many questions. What's your first language? It's out of curiosity, it's not like I could predict.

I could be wrong about this but what MIGHT have set her off was the topic of ABA. ABA is considered the "gold standard" treatment for Autism but it is a controversial topic and emotional topic among autistics. Many feel it is forcing autistics to be "indistinguishable from their peers" and attempting to rid autistic people of their natural behaviors. Also there are autistics who underwent ABA therapy back when harsh aversives were regularly used and remained traumatized by it. ABA has its autistic defenders because we are a very diverse group. Obviously, I do not know her opinion of about ABA.

This is a good question. I always like seeing people who genuinely want to reach out to us and understand us better. I think the best thing you can do is ask questions rather than make suggestions. By making suggestions, you imply that we are not good enough or that we are somehow inferior to you. But if you ask a lot of questions in order to make sure that you are understanding what the other person is saying, then that comes across a lot more like you genuinely want to communicate. For example, you could repeat what you think the person just said to you in your own words and then ask them if that is what they mean. In that way, you can clear up misunderstandings right away without making anyone feel like they are being attacked. Use "I" language instead of "you" language. Rather than saying "you should say that differently" try saying "I didn't understand what you meant when you said that." We are pretty smart people and we often do know when we are messing something up socially. If we notice that a lot of people are asking us to clarify the same thing, then that will tell us that whatever we are doing to communicate that is not working. I think the main idea is not to go into a conversation (with anyone) trying to make that person better. You need to go into the conversation trying to understand the person better. If you approach the relationship that way, then both parties will better themselves naturally.

Hi my first language is Vietnamese.

You know how NT's say you should never talk about politics or religion? Well, with autistic people, you should never talk about ABA or vaccines. Those subjects are likely to get us all upset.

A lot of autistic people, myself included, tend to have a little bit of a persecution complex. They feel like people are picking on them a lot. This is often a result of social misunderstandings. And when there is a misunderstanding, NTs are more able to make a good case and get out of it. But we are not. If there is a "contest" or a fight or a struggle for dominance, we will often loose, even when we are in the right. We just don't understand people and how to manipulate enough. So when there is a conflict, we sometimes feel immediately that we've lost and that we're going to get picked on. We feel out-gunned automatically. And then we get upset, even before there is anything to get upset about.

The next time you try to have a conversation with an autistic person, you might try not correcting their language or tone-of-voice at all. You are not their therapist or their mother. So, if they have an un-useful tone of voice, you can just say in your head that this is what it is, and then don't say anything out loud. Because nobody likes to be corrected. We want you to listen to the content of what we say and not just pick out the ways we are odd. And we feel humiliated when you point out our faults, just like anyone else would feel.

Here is one thing, when we over explain we usually aren't trying to be condescending...and just want to make sure we're on the same page.

I suspect that the topic might be sensitive to her. Someone on a Autism support page was asking about everyone's experience with ABA. To me personally, my son received ABA 10 hours a week for speech and basic skills and it helped us communicated better. We set our own goals which are to effectively communicate and to learn basic skills (using potty, self dress, voice needs..etc..) Of course he say no a lot of time to a task and avoid it so we offer another activity for him to choose from or take a break. I was explaining that for our ABA session, we do go fun activities, go to the park and encourage him to interact with the kids. Sometimes he has trouble expressing the question, we show him how to do it. But that is just my own experience. It was nothing like those that were described by other people. We all have different experiences and I absolutely do not think it okay to punish the child for stim or lack of eye contacts. We do encourage eye contact but to me it is more of a communication extra skill not a requirement. I mean it is not like NT look each other in the eye and talk all the times. We just share one brief glance.

But I think a lot of it depends on the parent/child and therapist. I was horrified to find out that there were hash punishment. Anyhow, the conversation got heated because this lady was adamant that ABA teach the child to be compliant to everybody and that they would get raped.And according to her it was because the parent chose ABA.

I must admit that when i hear child and rape together i felt as she said that parents are directly responsible if their child got raped when they are trying to help (whether it was helpful to the child or not). In addition, i think child rape happens for a lot of reasons as well, not just because of ABA. I felt like it was a low blow trying to tell the parents that it is their fault their child got raped. I would have prefer to hear why rape/abuse is a big threat due to ABA's complaint training instead. She got angry because I called her statement a low blow to the parents and said that people never understand Autism. I got angry because I fell like we are trying to understand but she just push us away. I told her instead of pushing us away educate us about other options and what to do because we love our children and only want the best for them. The lady then said that she is blunt because she is autistic. And I honestly did not know that she was because we were not in contact directly but the conversation was through text/typing . I then told her that i did not know and apologized for hurting her feelings. I tried to save the conversation by asking her to tell us more about other alternatives to ABA. She did mentioned Floortime. I thank her for letting us know about floortime. I did look into it and still researching about it. And we stop there. A few other comments and i guess they were not pleased that i was trying to teach an Aspie how to talk( which i honestly did not meant). I just wanted to say that if the parents feel they are being blamed/ attacked then they won't listen to what she has to say.

In retrospect, we both might have been affected by our emotions. And even though i did not meant to teach her how to communicate it appeared as if i did to others. And that is why I create this post. To learn how to talk but not create misunderstanding of my intention . I wish I could find a way to convey it better so she understand what i meant without feeling offended.

Side note: although i am NT i had trouble communicating/ socializing in the past and still do sometimes. I'm stressed by the whole situation and i am sure she might be even more stress because i just unknowingly went and play into the stereotype of NT vs Aspie which she might have encountered a lot when socializing.

Thank you !
I think I know what you meant. I will definitely watch out how i form my message next time when I talk. And I think it is a safe strategy to just ask people to clarify their words

Thank you for your honest insight!
We both were replying to a question of another member about personal experience with ABA. But I would now try to stay away from such topics.
From my point of view a conversation is a tool of exchanging information or learning or just to keep social contact with people. If it is unproductive or hurtful to either party then i felt like it is meaningless to keep arguing or talking. And i don't want to win or lose because even if people argue to death they are not wining or losing. They just exchanges their ideas. But it feels like a train wreck when the conversation is stirring further away from the main point and drift to something else that I kept explaining and misunderstand to no avail.

But I have to admit that i am not good at communicating and i am trying hard to get there.

thank you!

and duly noted.

People have very strong feelings about ABA and goals of "normalisation" of any kind (though particularly ABA, because of abusive practices that have been allied to it). Most neurodiverse people want the same as NTs do - acceptance and respect, and there are some hot topics which are best avoided. The two topics most likely to signal non-acceptance and lack of respect to AS people - even when not deliberately intended - are talk of cures and ABA. Some AS people won't mind, though most will. If you can't avoid them, then at least take a back seat in the conversation, and listen to AS views on this, rather than start by offering your own. This signals respect, and respect is the basis of good communication, more especially when talking to members of minority groups who don't share your NT privilege. You can't help having NT privilege - you didn't choose it - but you do have it, and so if you are the one to make the imaginative leap, the leap to understanding what it means to not have neurotypical privilege, to live without having it - then a richer conversation becomes possible.

Thank you!
I see now and do feel now that it is not a good topic to mention. If I may ask you an honest question (with No mean intention behind it). Most of AS communicate exceptionally well online. I can't tell unless they tell me they are on the Autism Spectrum. I am not sure if I should ask in advance to avoid misunderstanding. The page i am participating in have people with AS, caregivers, parents of children on AS and other people who support Autism awareness. Would it be kind of rude to ask people if they are on AS or should I just try to avoid certain topics and try to have my communication short and clear all the time until they choose to tell me.

I would suggest letting them raise it - some are happy to disclose, others not, and the problem with you simply asking is that the if the person you ask doesn't know what your attitudes to AS are, whether you see AS people as defective rather than different, or have bought into the myths and stigmas which unfortunately abound - so it puts them in a quandary, and can even trigger fear/flight/fight responses or just being met with the cold shoulder. Sensitivity and acceptance are the key, and if you can learn to signal that (I think you can), then interesting dialogues can open up.