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09 Mar 2017, 1:27 pm
09 Mar 2017, 2:36 pm
09 Mar 2017, 9:31 pm
09 Mar 2017, 10:20 pm
09 Mar 2017, 10:25 pm
I have something that maybe is similar...
I feel very nervous around of people because I'm afraid they will pay much attention in me so if there is silence and nothing distracting them, I start talking a lot to try to keep them too busy with my talk to be able to think/judge anything else.
It isn't much logical, and often I suffer worried because of this... but in this kind of nervous situation, it feels like filling the silence is the best way to dodge/control an awkward situation... but it's just leads to another awkward situation 
10 Mar 2017, 1:50 am
10 Mar 2017, 2:04 am
naturalplastic wrote:
DevilKisses wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
Not sure what you mean.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
Generally people go silent around me. Probably because I'm socially awkward. Or maybe people just suck where I live. So I talk to fill in the silence. It's often monologues that I know they don't care about. I just have a trouble making myself shut up. If they weren't so damn boring, I wouldn't have the urge to fill in the silence.
Hmmm...
Are these folks who already know you? You think that they you act like they think you're "that weirdo I have nothing in common with" and go silent when stuck with you, and it makes your nervous? Or...you maybe you just THINK that thats what theyre doing?
Probably some of both things happen, and you get worked up about it (they actually do judge you slightly and it causes you to get nervous and to monologue and that makes them judge you even more harshly). Like the poster above said find ways to make small talk. And more important- if its someone you already know- make the small talk about them. Like if you happened to know that the other person coaches soccer on their day off- just ask them "how is soccer going?". Do that, and you wont be able to get THEM to shut up! Lol!
Which leads us on to the next problem in dealing with small-talk: how to act interested in a subject you couldn't care less about
Personally, I love silence.
10 Mar 2017, 4:34 am
11 Mar 2017, 12:42 am
NeilM wrote:
Maybe you should let it go. Make 2 or 3 ventures with the small talk but if they don't respond, relax and enjoy the silence. If they want to talk, let them choose a topic.
Or ironically play some Depeche Mode maybe?
11 Mar 2017, 8:40 am
DevilKisses wrote:
Does anyone else do this a lot? I often deal with people who are far too quiet and boring. So I fill in the silence. I know I'm being boring as well, but I can't help it when the other person is making no effort. How can I stop this and find people that aren't so boring?
DevilKisses wrote:
Generally people go silent around me. Probably because I'm socially awkward. Or maybe people just suck where I live. So I talk to fill in the silence. It's often monologues that I know they don't care about. I just have a trouble making myself shut up. If they weren't so damn boring, I wouldn't have the urge to fill in the silence.
What subjects do you tend to talk about when you try to fill in the silence?
You live in an Anglo-dominated area.
I guess that many Anglos are "cold people" who don't like talking too much and especially don't like small talk. Generally Northern Europeans tend to be more introverted and Southern Europeans more extroverted. Central and Eastern Europeans are "somewhere in between". Germans and Poles are more extroverted than Anglos, but less than Italians:
But extraversion is not so much about whether you are good at filling in the silence or not, but about whether talking with people "empowers" you and gives you energy, or drains you out and makes you feel tired. For example this German woman is introverted, but has no problems with being sociable (she just gets tired from too much social interaction):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJnflQgrNT4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj4Gv5yQNG0
She hates as many as 50 different types of conversations!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxQAX1rENwI
11 Mar 2017, 9:57 am
liveandrew wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
DevilKisses wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
Not sure what you mean.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
Generally people go silent around me. Probably because I'm socially awkward. Or maybe people just suck where I live. So I talk to fill in the silence. It's often monologues that I know they don't care about. I just have a trouble making myself shut up. If they weren't so damn boring, I wouldn't have the urge to fill in the silence.
Hmmm...
Are these folks who already know you? You think that they you act like they think you're "that weirdo I have nothing in common with" and go silent when stuck with you, and it makes your nervous? Or...you maybe you just THINK that thats what theyre doing?
Probably some of both things happen, and you get worked up about it (they actually do judge you slightly and it causes you to get nervous and to monologue and that makes them judge you even more harshly). Like the poster above said find ways to make small talk. And more important- if its someone you already know- make the small talk about them. Like if you happened to know that the other person coaches soccer on their day off- just ask them "how is soccer going?". Do that, and you wont be able to get THEM to shut up! Lol!
Which leads us on to the next problem in dealing with small-talk: how to act interested in a subject you couldn't care less about
.
Simple.
Just nod your head, and grunt "uh ha!" at intervals.
Then once in a while stroke their ego, and ask their opinion. For example if you're someone like me who doesnt give a rat's ass about sports, and the new fellow employee just rattled on about how niether the Washington Redskins, nor the Washington Nationals are having a stellar season, you can just say to them "so...which of the two would you say is actually doing worse? The Skins, or the Nats?" And they will light up and proceed to rattle on about their take on that question. It will all be like someone reading the Beijing phone book out loud to you. But so what? You are not expending any energy either talking (or even listening to them) but you will have them convinced that you're the world's greatest conversationalist, and a great dude! lol!
11 Mar 2017, 5:17 pm
naturalplastic wrote:
liveandrew wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
DevilKisses wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
Not sure what you mean.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
But if someone is stuck in a carpool (for example) with one other person, and that second person never speaks it often makes the first person uncomfortable. And it prompts that first person to try to make small talk.
Not only is that normal, its very neurotypical of you to act that way. So I dont see what the problem is.
The idea of "small talk" is like throwing a dice. Both of you toss topical dice. Eventually you might find some interesting common thing to make "large" talk with the person about.
But on the other hand silence isnt the worst thing in the world. Either strategy, tolerating silence, or making small talk, is okay by me.
Generally people go silent around me. Probably because I'm socially awkward. Or maybe people just suck where I live. So I talk to fill in the silence. It's often monologues that I know they don't care about. I just have a trouble making myself shut up. If they weren't so damn boring, I wouldn't have the urge to fill in the silence.
Hmmm...
Are these folks who already know you? You think that they you act like they think you're "that weirdo I have nothing in common with" and go silent when stuck with you, and it makes your nervous? Or...you maybe you just THINK that thats what theyre doing?
Probably some of both things happen, and you get worked up about it (they actually do judge you slightly and it causes you to get nervous and to monologue and that makes them judge you even more harshly). Like the poster above said find ways to make small talk. And more important- if its someone you already know- make the small talk about them. Like if you happened to know that the other person coaches soccer on their day off- just ask them "how is soccer going?". Do that, and you wont be able to get THEM to shut up! Lol!
Which leads us on to the next problem in dealing with small-talk: how to act interested in a subject you couldn't care less about
.
Simple.
Just nod your head, and grunt "uh ha!" at intervals.
Then once in a while stroke their ego, and ask their opinion. For example if you're someone like me who doesnt give a rat's ass about sports, and the new fellow employee just rattled on about how niether the Washington Redskins, nor the Washington Nationals are having a stellar season, you can just say to them "so...which of the two would you say is actually doing worse? The Skins, or the Nats?" And they will light up and proceed to rattle on about their take on that question. It will all be like someone reading the Beijing phone book out loud to you. But so what? You are not expending any energy either talking (or even listening to them) but you will have them convinced that you're the world's greatest conversationalist, and a great dude! lol!
Thats what I do. I just say some of the following in intervals, "oh yeah? wow, huh, yep, fascinating, yeah."
12 Mar 2017, 7:49 am
naturalplastic wrote:
liveandrew wrote:
Which leads us on to the next problem in dealing with small-talk: how to act interested in a subject you couldn't care less about
Simple.
Just nod your head, and grunt "uh ha!" at intervals.
Then once in a while stroke their ego, and ask their opinion. For example if you're someone like me who doesnt give a rat's ass about sports, and the new fellow employee just rattled on about how niether the Washington Redskins, nor the Washington Nationals are having a stellar season, you can just say to them "so...which of the two would you say is actually doing worse? The Skins, or the Nats?" And they will light up and proceed to rattle on about their take on that question. It will all be like someone reading the Beijing phone book out loud to you. But so what? You are not expending any energy either talking (or even listening to them) but you will have them convinced that you're the world's greatest conversationalist, and a great dude! lol!
and avoid asking questions with monotone voice and then eye-rolling at the answers
This being social is hard work! I do have to deal with the sport conversations with my dad; a subject I really couldn't care less about but that he loves fanatically and won't accept the fact that others (me) can be totally ignorant about it
12 Mar 2017, 1:57 pm
liveandrew wrote:
naturalplastic wrote:
liveandrew wrote:
Which leads us on to the next problem in dealing with small-talk: how to act interested in a subject you couldn't care less about
Simple.
Just nod your head, and grunt "uh ha!" at intervals.
Then once in a while stroke their ego, and ask their opinion. For example if you're someone like me who doesnt give a rat's ass about sports, and the new fellow employee just rattled on about how niether the Washington Redskins, nor the Washington Nationals are having a stellar season, you can just say to them "so...which of the two would you say is actually doing worse? The Skins, or the Nats?" And they will light up and proceed to rattle on about their take on that question. It will all be like someone reading the Beijing phone book out loud to you. But so what? You are not expending any energy either talking (or even listening to them) but you will have them convinced that you're the world's greatest conversationalist, and a great dude! lol!
and avoid asking questions with monotone voice and then eye-rolling at the answers
This being social is hard work! I do have to deal with the sport conversations with my dad; a subject I really couldn't care less about but that he loves fanatically and won't accept the fact that others (me) can be totally ignorant about it That's a huge issue for that me. I try so hard not to use use the monotone voice that I end up sounding over animated in in a patronizing kind of way. Ugh at family gatherings on thanksgiving with football or whatever on tv.
