Asperger's? Selective Mutism? Both? Neither? What am I?

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Hello All,

This is my first post here, nice to meet you.

I know this is not the place to look for a diagnosis, but I am still gathering my courage to undergo an official test and I would like to here your opinion.

I am a 27-year-old woman and I am Hungarian. So, if you notice anything weird in my use language use, that's due to the fact that English is not my mother tongue.

As long as I can remember, I've known that something was 'wrong' with me, something that is different from normal shyness, because my 'thing' has so many other aspects to it. So many things that are weird in me... As a child I showed quite obvious signs of moderate selective mutism but I was never diagnosed. My mother was against a diagnosis, she doesn't wanted me to have a 'stigma', she wanted me to be like other kids, even though I wasn't. Later, when I was around 18 years old I discovered that conditions such as mutism and Asperger's exist, but my mother refused to talk about it, she downplayed it, "why would it be good for you to have a diagnosis? what would it change? you can function well, can't you? what's the problem?"
She hated when I read articles about this and wanted me to stop thinking about it. But I can't, because I want to know who I am. I have to say though that I have a very loving and caring mother, I know she's always wanted the best for me, she just doesn't know how to deal with my weirdness.
So first I suspected selective mutism but there are a lot of traits in me that is also typical for Aspies.

I will now list a number of traits that I have, or had as a child, things that I did or didn't, and these are all things that according to articles, are typical for mutist and/or Asperger's people. Based on this, would you say I have either of the conditions? Note that this will be a random list about any aspects of my life, in the order that they come to my mind...

About my social skills and relationships:

- I've been an anxious person as long as I can remember. I was afraid of kindergarten, afraid of school, afraid of university, even though I've always been one of the best students and have acquired two degrees so far. Now I am anxious at work even though I have very nice, friendly colleagues and a not-so-stresssful job. I am always afraid of making mistakes, of other's judgements, I care too much about what other people think of me.
- My anxiety peaked during childhood when I showed strong signs of selective mutism. I've never been completely mute so I could utter a few words when I was 'forced', but I never initiated.
At home, with my close family, I could talk normally, I was even chatty. I could also talk to other relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents) although I was more reserved with them.
But in all the other surroundings - kindergarten, shops, street, anywhere - I went 'mute', I was so anxious that I couldn't really utter a word, only if they asked me very specific and direct questions which very easy to answer with a couple of words, e.g.: "Have you eaten your breakfast?".
At kindergarten, I never played with other kids. I usually just wandered around silently in the room, or did something by myself (like drawing). The other kids thought that I couldn't even talk. One afternoon when my mother came to pick me up (I was about 5), the mother of another kid tried to comfort her: "I've heard that your daughter is 5 and still cannot speak, don't worry, I know someone who started to talk at 5" etc, and my mother was just embarrassed because at home I was a really talkative little girl.
- Being mute at kindergarten and other situations wasn't my conscious choice, wasn't my preference. I wanted to talk. I wanted to play with other kids. I wanted to fit in. I just couldn't, because of anxiety.
- It got gradually better. At 6, a boy from my kindergarten group approached me and asked me if I wanted to play with him. After a few weeks I started to talk to him a little. I also answered questions from other people. But I only talked if they initiated, if they asked, I never approached anyone myself. I find it difficult even today, it takes a lot of effort to start a conversation or initiate any kind of interaction. But if others approach me, I can have a conversation with them and maybe they won't even notice anything weird.
- I learned how to cope with this so I have a normal life. I finished school, was always an excellent student, went to uni, got two degress, got a workplace quite easily. People from the outside, if they don't know me well, won't really notice big problems. But I still have problems, I am still anxious and in a lot of situations I have to be an "actor" in order to function, just copy others' behaviour.
- I'm still in a state of panic every time the phone rings or someone approaches me unexpectedly, but I can hide this.
- I get on well with everyone because I am friendly and helpful and I avoid conflicts. However, I have just a very few friends. There is an extremely limited number of people who I feel completely comfortable with.
- I didn't have a romantic relationship until I was 20, but since then I've had the same boyfriend for 7 years. He is neurotypical and an extrovert. We have a good relationship and are planning to get married next year and have kids later. I love him very much, but I've never felt that type of love when you feel butterflies in your stomach or you are in heaven etc...
And my sexuality... I am hetero because I am attracted to males and I cannot imagine having a relationship with a woman. But I have no sexual desire. I can enjoy sex when we have already started, when my partner has started to "work" on me, he can excite me and I enjoy it. I also enjoy the feeling of being close to him, touching him, kissing him. But I never have any desire to actually initiate a sexual intercourse. If I see a "sexy" man, nothing happens in my brain or body... no desire, no need to have sex. I don't mind having sex and as I said, I do enjoy it once we have started, but if I was banned from sex for two years, it wouldn't cause any difficulty for me... (My partner knows and accepts this. We have a regular sex life.)

Some other things apart from social life:

- I learnt how to read when I was 4 (usual age in Hungary is 7, first grade at school). Noone taught me explicitly, but my brother was 3 years older, I watchehim practice and put the things together in my mind.

- When I was between around 4 and 8 years, I wanted to be a boy. I refused to wear girls' clothes, I played with cars, toy guns etc. Actually I only gave up wearing boy's or unisex clothes when I was around 13, because it's very hard for me to change my appearance, because of fear of what the others might say/think if I change.

- I am still not very feminine - I wear women's clothes, I have long hair, I definitely look like a woman. But I never wear make-up and jewellry, and I don't have that "aura of a woman" or how to say....

- I hate big changes in my life. I was 4 when we moved house and my mother says that even 3 years later I kept saying how our previous flat was much better and I wanted to go back. I also hated when I got a separate room (previously I shared one with my brother). I am also afraid to change my appearance, mainly for fear of judgement and negative response. E.g. cutting my hair differently, starting to wear make-up...

- I have an above-average intelligence.

- When I was a young child I was obsessed with collecting toy elephants. I had almost 600 of them before I turned 10. I played with them alone almost all day and I could talk about elephants for hours. Later I gained an interest for sports, especially motor racing and car racing, and I was totally obsessed with this until a few years ago (I still like it). I spent all my free time reading books and articles about it, posting in forums about it, watching races and videos etc. I stored a huge amount of statistics and data of the races in my head.

- I have an awkward and clumsy way of walking and moving around. Several people have noted that they would recognise me on a street from far away because of my way of walking.

- I am quite unstable emotionally, but I can hide it - mainly people see it as not having emotions... I get angry and upset easily because of little things. But I never cry in front of others, I haven't cried in 15 years in front of anyone other than my partner.

I HATE expressing likes and preferences (fear of judgement).

- I am extremely picky with food, I will often say I hate some food even without trying it.

- I have a strange, very monotonous way of speaking, I cannot really express different intonations and emotions with my voice. I can do it if I concentrate on it, but during natural speech, no.

- When I was a child, I had sudden, inexplicable movements, when I felt the urge to run somewhere suddenly, and I often run into a wall. And it felt good. I still have the urge a lot of times, but I can control it.

I have no sense of rhytm. I literally cannot dance without making myself ridiculous. I enjoy music but I don't know anything about it, I never hear false sounds, I never catch the correct melody when I try to sing.

I love writing and I am good at it, I work as a copywriter.

And finally, some things that are NOT typical in Asperger's:

I don't feel a Strong connection to animals or plants. May be due to the fact that I grewp up in a flat in the middle of the city, but I am actually afraid of animals.

I am very interested in people and the way the work, how their brain functions, how their emotions are. I consider studying psychology. I think I have a good sense for people, I often judge correctly what kind of person they are before even knowing them for a long time.

I can keep eye contact, although it's uncomfortable if the period is longer than a few seconds.

I WANT to have friends, I want to know more people, but somehow I cannot build strong relationships that last for a long time. After a time, the others stop trying, as if I was too boring or something. Well, I am certainly not a party-goer and it's hard for me to express my true opinion and emotions.

Sooo, based on all this, what do you think? And sorry for being so long...

Your story is largely similar to mine. Selective mutism, intelligence, inadequate social skills, preferred solitude and so on. It seems you have studied the diagnostic criteria for autism well, and have found certain behaviors and characteristics in yourself which match those described by the criteria. At this point, the only possible problem I see is that those of us on the Asperger end of the autism spectrum aren't usually supported and diagnosed by diagnosticians who continue to rely on outdated models of autism. In other words, they are expecting us to be children with severe deficits. When we don't show up as such, they dismiss our concerns and see no reason to diagnose us as autistic.

So, my only advice is to find a knowledgable diagnostician, and become your own best advocate. You might even need to challenge your diagnostician in gentle ways to understand you and your likely autism. Good luck!

Thank you very much. Yes, one of the reasons why I hesitate taking an official test is because they might find me too high functioning for autism, and they won't see the things inside me.
Anyway a few months ago I took an "Aspie Quiz" (the one with 122 questions if I remember well) where I scored 155/200 and the result said that I am "very likely" on the spectrum. I'm not sure how reliable it is though...

It is actually quite accurate as far as screening tests go, but you might want to includue a few of the Cambridge screening tests, too. They are available online ( http://www.aspietests.org/ ).

If you pursue a diagnosis, I suggest that you bring as much evidence about yourself as you can reasonably manage.

When I was diagnosed, I brought my baby book and its writings of my now-85-year-old mother; several photographs of me in childhood; my list of behaviors, characteristics and comorbids (various depression diagnoses, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder; all my screening-test scores; and, best of all, a list of descriptions about my interactions with others throughout my life including my educators and employers.

It takes a little time to assemble this among of evidence, but it is worth it. Besides, building the evidence prompts even more memories that could be included. So, the process in quite beneficial.

It is true that mental health professionals trained to deal with autism in children sometimes mistake the well-learned coping mechanisms in adults as indications that autism is not present, when in fact, it is - it's just being masked out of habit. It's best when possible, to seek out a diagnostician who has experience with autistic adults.

Selective mutism is a common comorbid with Autism, and any Anxiety disorder. I can't usually initiate conversations with strangers, but if they speak to me, I can answer questions. Once the conversational ball is rolling, it's easier for me to continue the interaction, but still very awkward and it tends to trail off very quickly, if it's up to me to keep the conversation alive.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the answers!

Have you ever seen the movie Kontrol? It takes place on the Budapest subway.

I agree with the above posters. You should attempt to obtain a professional diagnosis--especially if it's low-cost or free. And especially if it helps you obtain accommodations within your job or school.

You're quite bright. Hungarian is nothing like English and is not related to it linguistically. As far as I know, it is distantly related to Finnish and Estonian.

Sezlony,

Your English is excellent and you describe things well and in great detail. I look forward to reading more from you.

Do you have any sensory issues?

I am not sure if you have Asperger or not but you definitively were an anxious, overly shy child and are an anxious adult.

Did anything happen that could make you so anxious if you were a NT kid in the first place? For example were you bullied/neglected/compared/laughed at a lot? Did anything happen that crushed your sense of safety when you were very young?
I see your clumsiness as potential trigger - you were clumsy so you destroyed stuff a lot and people laughed or were angry at you. But clumsiness doesn't mean Asperger.

I don't think you do that bad socially and cannot make long term relationships if you have a boyfriend for 7 years already and you love each other - and its even your first boyfriend, which means you didn't mess up your very first relationship. But you might just be lucky.

Anyway - it's always difficult to decide if experiences like yours is just anxiety or anxiety+Asperger. And as for selective mutism - it's related to anxiety so there is no questioning you had it.