Abusive Relationship

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Is it possible for a person with ASD to be in an abusive relationship and not be aware it is abusive?

Are there any reasons someone with ASD might be less likely to see this than someone without?

It is believed people on the spectrum are particularly vulnerable to being a victim of an abusive relationship for a number of reasons. Autism is defined by atypical social communication. It is believed these communication issues cause us to not recognize when abuse is happening. Also because we often find it difficult to find friends and partners we will tolerate more things than we should out of desperation. Bullies often like to target people who are different and who they feel are desperate and vulnerable.

Yes, absolutely. Several years ago I was in a relationship with someone who was a bully and who abused me emotionally, but I didn't see it at the time.

Absolutely, as people have said, having social communication difficulties, (as well as naïveté, or lack of experience in some instances) can make us vulnerable.

We can also be accused of being abusive, or indeed be abusive without realising it. I'm sure we could also be intentionally abusive. After all, I doubt abusers identify as such and some people may have autism as well as a personality or experiences that leads to them being this way.

I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is what many of us do best and that's arm ourselves with facts and information so that we are less likely to be in either situation. Also, if something is making us unsure or unhappy, even if we can't identify it, we should seek advice where we can

I would say what makes me ask that but stupid me used my real name as my username so....there's a chance my partner my see it...

Ive questioned whether or not I'm in an abusive relationship and I just don't know...something seems wrong. He's very different with other people but when him and I are together, he's very different...its been 15 years Ive questioned this and I somewhat suspect it's had a serious effect on my mental health...even my psychiatrist thinks he's great but no one sees it....

Its possible that this is what made me seek out mental help in the first place...being in an abusive relationship and Joyner realising it and damaging my mental health in the process.

I have lately been wondering this, too. I'm not sure I have an answer, but I will share an anecdote in case it might spark useful interpretation/generalization.

I very briefly dated someone who seemed unwilling to be clear with me about what he wanted. I tried to push him to spell things out very clearly. He tried to be as vague as possible... In short, I think from his perspective I could have seemed abusive. However I also felt his unwillingness to communicate as dismissive and manipulative. I can't personally understand what it would be like to have desires for clarity seem like manipulation, but perhaps that is how he felt. From my end, his behavior seemed like willful obfuscation and gaslighting.

So I think that NT behavior could spark something on our end that seems to an NT like abuse, when in fact the NT's insecurities drive them to interpret our need for clarity as dubious in some way. Of course, if the NT was aware and able to sense our vulnerability, I'd call their refusal to communicate (including refusal to communicate uncertainty or a desire for more space) abusive.

Yes, almost all of my previous relationships have been abusive. At first, I couldn't really tell it was abuse, until I learned more about it in a class about relationships. For instance, when your partner tells you something offensive and then says "Just kidding", that counts as abuse. I've been through multiple kinds of abuse including physical, verbal, mental and emotional. However, I had trouble letting the guy go, because I thought I loved him and that he loved me. I also learned that it's not love when the person you're in a relationship with abuses you in any way. So then I guess I wasn't very well loved, even though the guys I was with told me they loved me. Now I know that was bull$#!t. As a matter of fact, my dad and my sister had to rescue me from my younger daughter's father, because I was trying to keep the relationship together for my daughter's sake. He's the only one who physically abused me out of all the other men I've been with. Yet I still wanted to be with him and was even going to marry him. What was I thinking? My sister showed me this piece of paper with the power and control wheel on it, I took a look at it, and then decided that it was time for me, my daughter and the cat to get out. He abused the cat, too. So yes, I'm very familiar with being in abusive relationships. That's why I feel like I can't trust men anymore. No offense to the men out there. I'm sure all the men on wrongplanet are all right. Now I don't even want to be in a relationship because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. Besides, I'm in recovery right now from drugs and alcohol anyway, so I need to focus on taking care of myself and on getting my life back together.

YES, IT IS POSSIBLE.

I was just thinking about my abusive relationship with my ex when I stumbled upon this thread.

I thought I knew it all, but I didn't. I thought if I loved him enough, he would not abuse me. I thought if you love someone you trust them. I didn't know that while you owe everyone your love, you owe no one your trust. It was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. You can trust them in one way but not in another sense.

When I was young I didn't recognize that I was in one for years, but it didn't dawn on me that the relationship wasn't "normal". He would throw things at the walls, disable my car so I couldn't leave, flip out if he didn't know where I was, and -for the cherry on top - left me injured on the road after an accident. I cringe to think about it now, but I had no other relationships to compare it to back then. It wasn't low self-esteem as much as blindness on how I was perceived and proper expectations.

Yes it is possible and it is not an autistic thing to not know. NTs have this problem too because I always see questions online asking "Is this abuse?" "Was this abuse?" "Am I in a abusive relationship?" If you have to ask, it probably is.

I was in one ten years ago and the reason why I didn't know was because I thought abuse was being hit and beaten and called names. My ex did none of that and he's never broken anything or touched me so I didn't think he was abusive but I felt he was controlling because of how he would act even though he didn't tell me "Do this and you have to do this" and he's never threatened me other than saying to me and his son once "if you wake me up before ten (am), I will go to the circuit box and turn off the power in the living room if you're too loud." I thought my mom was nuts when she told me she was worried I was being abused. I didn't know there was such thing as emotional abuse and that controlling behavior was a form of it and it took me a while to just accept this was abuse and he was abusive. I was making excuses for a while about how he acted.

If women only have a stereotypical view on what abuse is, they are not going to know they are in abusive relationship if their partner doesn't meet the stereotypes of abuse we often hear about. Yes I'm aware men can be in one too.

It's highly unlikely he'll read this, so may as well post it. The reason I ask is this. I met this guy 15-16 years ago and we've been together ever since. When I met him, he had depression and it made him act out. He was quite violent and seemed to come across as very angry towards me. He came off his antidepressants and he seemed to improve, but there has always been something amiss. I've tried to escape in the past but I worry that this is all in my mind and things would be worse if I left. I have issues such as money management, impulsivity etc and he takes care of that. When I sometimes lose it (punching walls, throwing things, trying to hit him), he holds me down as I've really hurt myself in the past and broke things I didn't mean to. He's is however, very demanding. We both work and he never seems to take care of himself. He's extremely messy and his room is a serious mess. It's my house but he refuses to take part in any cleaning or cooking etc. He'll ask me to make his bed for the night, every night...he'll ask me to cook his dinner..bring it through on a tray...take it away again...wash the dishes...tidy the kitchen...bring his breakfast through in the morning (on a tray)...take it away...wash it..bring his clothes through...do his washing...and through all this, he offers no help...even when I ask...if I do ask...he'll say "well, I'm not the one who made the mess" or "look what I'm doing for you...managing your money"...he'll lie in bed when I'm struggling to keep the house tidy which is impossible when I'm cleaning up for 2, but when I bring it up, he frequently shouts me down so now I'm actually scared to bring it up. When I say he's shouting, he denies it and says I'm imagining it. I've torn my hair out for years over this...I just don't know if this is abusive or not...or is it me just seeing something that is not there. He appears perfectly charming in front of friends etc but as soon as they're gone, he's back to his old ways. When I come in from work, I need time to de-stress...but he won't let me do that...he's on at me as soon as I get in from work to cook the dinner...make his bed...do his washing...even when he's been in all day and done nothing but lie in bed.

Hi David,

I'm sorry to hear about your sitution. To be blunt, there is bo doubt in my mind that that is abusive.

You mentioned he's had depression and that may be the case, but it is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behaviour.

My advice to you would be to seek external help and get out of that situation as soon as possible.

You are in a toxic environment and situation and it's effecting your mental health, your not imagining any of that.

What you've described constitutes abuse. Whatever his intentions, his behaviour shows a complete lack of regard for your wellbeing. None of that is the behaviour of someone who loves or respects you.

It also worries me that you said he 'takes care' of money management issues... I wondering how exactly? If he is controlling your finances in anyway that is financial abuse, even if he says he's doing it to help.

Hi David,

Thought I'd better post as the consensus seems to be you are in an abusive relationship - get out.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me but it does appear you both have mental health issues which as NikNak has said is no excuse but sometimes cannot be helped especially if your in a pit of depression. NikNik also said "Whatever his intentions, his behaviour shows a complete lack of regard for your wellbeing. None of that is the behaviour of someone who loves or respects you." , I don't agree with this as when you are dealing with mental health issues sometimes you can't help your actions even when you know it's wrong.

It's a big decision to leave someone after 15 years and it appears to me you are looking for validation on whether it's abuse and whether you should leave him or not. What you got to ask yourself is if you still love the guy and are prepared to work at improving things. If you don't love the guy you already know what you have to do even if it is daunting. If you love him and you believe he loves you , you need to have a real sit down and talk about both your problems. Relationships are difficult at the best of times with all your faculities so unfortunatly for you and your partner it is going to take a lot of effort to make things work.

FWIW my GF runs the finances in our relationship becasue I'm s**t at it but I know where my money is.

In answer to your original question "Is it possible for a person with ASD to be in an abusive relationship and not be aware it is abusive?" , I believe it's possible for anyone to be in this position not just people on the spectrum. I think you know what constitutes abuse , you don't need anyone to tell you , your feeling it. You know when you hit him - it's abuse and you know what he does is abuse - but does he?

Yes, and anyone can be in an abusive relationship without realizing it. I mean, who would stay if they had the full clinical comprehension of the situation, the extent to which they have already been manipulated and tricked to get to that point, and a detached third-person perspective on a situation in which they are deeply embedded. In a sense, no one in an abusive relationship realizes it, or they would look at the statistically likely outcomes and get the hell out.

But, due to having a somewhat different sense of normality in social interactions, and some additional difficulty in putting them in perspective, people on the spectrum need to take extra care. As a world, we need to have more conversations about the nature of the early stages of abuse. Aspies seem more likely to end up as the abused, but it could also go the other way.

I can easily see an Aspie getting into a relationship with someone who has a history of being abused, and falling into their rhythm without much thought. I mean, being bossy, demanding, particular, and having emotional outbursts all fit the pattern of an abuser. Given permission to act like that, plenty of folks would turn into awful people if they don't have a well-crafted code of conduct with a sound ethical foundation.