Starting off, I know the best thing is a professional diagnosis. I've looked at a few online tests & a lot have been offline now. Looked at common factors & criteria. Largely trying to make sense of things, but don't want to just go around and be like "Oh I have Aspergers..." with no regards to others and the like. I just want to get an opinion from those who have it if it seems likely.
So my parents always told me that growing up they had suspected I had autism, although other family members always said they suspected ADD. My ex-girlfriend would always say the same to me half-jokingly because of some of my habits and actions, never gave it much thought until I read about Asperger's and since then it's been the closest thing I've seen to an explanation for myself.
Just going through things:
Non-Verbal Use
The most common issue with me is eye-contact. I have a tendency to avoid looking people in the eye while we're speaking. I'll usually do repeated "passing glances" to show that I'm listening but struggle with extended eye contact in casual basis. Staring people in the eye feels invasive (more on my part) and uncomfortable and if I make myself do it, I feel like I'm staring people down. When I'm doing a "role" (more on that in a minute) it's generally a lot easier. I also prefer to talk to people while wearing my sunglasses because I can face them but look away from them. I think I do a good amount of facial expressions and I tend to talk with a ton of gestures (although sometimes they can be bizarre to others, like making a square with my hands when talking about FDR) but body postures can be odd. I shift weight from my feet back in forth a lot when standing still, I usually prefer to raise one leg and prop against something (think Captain Morgan) to offset the balance and have a more natural pose. I'll also (even when waiting in lines) crouch down and put my weight on my toes so that I'm in a sort of huddled position and I sit with my feet crossed "Indian Style" even when sitting in chairs.
Empathy
Always struggled with emotionally connecting to something. I logically know that "this is bad and the appropriate emotion is sadness" but there's a strong disconnect from feeling that, I always just act (perfect word to describe how it feels) with what I feel should be the correct response to what someone's dealing with. For picking up on signals I generally feel good (as an adult, as a child is another story) picking up cues but there have been mistakes many times leading to people getting very angry, but they're usually rare gaffes. The most memorable was with my ex which eventually led to her crying which had me in even more confusion. I try to do acts of good-will out of a sense of morality rather than a sense of empathy.
Subjects
One of my most obvious traits, I have throughout my entire life gone on tangents about subjects that tend to dominate conversation. They're generally not narrow subjects (rarely they can be) but I get extremely excited by them and rant, in fact the catalyst to me deciding to look more into Asperger's was spending an hour talking to an acquaintance about Walt Disney after it was casually mentioned in conversation. I also have trouble with side-rants and topics that lead to me never saying what I fully wanted to say originally, for instance I ended up talking about Imperialism, Gun-boat Diplomacy & Theodore Roosevelt at one point when discussing Disney due to random "trigger" subjects within the rant.
Routines
I HATE routine, in the sense of doing the same thing everyday. I do however have specific obsessive rituals. When dealing with numbers (volume on devices is a good example, but also the number of times I'll do something) I tend to have to do in iterations fitting my "favored" numbers: 3, 5, 7, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, 27, 32 (It goes on until 77) I dislike doing things in 2's and never do anything in intervals of 4, 6 or 13. I also have smaller habits like lighting up a cigarette when I pass by certain buildings, walking a specific path to work etc.
Motor Mannerisms
I have a very noticeable "tic" although it bothers me much less than it used to. I feel "asymmetrical" (only term I think I can use for it) and get the urge, like a scratch to touch the centers of my body. Basically I'll touch my lower back and my stomach, the back of my hands against each other, the front of palms, my fingers and my forehead. I can ignore it but eventually I always seem to end up doing it when people are gone or not looking. I always tap my feet, sit in odd positions or most noticeably rock back and forth in my chair (usually sitting cross-legged). I also pace a lot, either when talking or thinking.
Other little "quirks"
- Verbosity (I've always been told that I use bizarre vocabulary or big words even in normal conversation)
- Odd Speech Patterns (It's monotone and "bored" sounding if I'm not excited by something, when I am it speeds up and gets very loud, sometimes oddly phrased)
- Clumsiness (I'm not extremely clumsy but I have a tendency to stumble slightly and feel off-balance from time to time)
- Odd Gait (I've been told I have a very "exaggerated" walk, like a TV character which seems different from the other odd walks I've seen mentioned)
-Having to find the right word (I'll often stop myself mid-sentence and say things like "Rephrase!" or "Pause!" and then replace a word with a synonym followed with "Fits better" or "Rather" I also do this with texts, sending synonyms right after because I feel like the word doesn't fit just right for my connotation)
- Repeating Things (I talk to myself a lot, the only time it ever feels really odd to me is during two circumstances. When I'm approaching people (I try to say Hi to everyone I pass) I'll say something like "How's it going" quietly under my breath as I see someone approaching and I'll repeat this until they pass by (I do this without consciously trying to, it just happens) also when thinking of specific conversations or incidents I'll find myself once again repeating under my breath verbatim what I said in the conversations I've thought about even if they were years ago, without intending to.
- Noise Making (When talking to people and there's a lull in conversation I have a tendency to make what can only be described as a cross between a sigh and a yawn to fill the silence, if there's multiple silences in a conversation it can become a very odd thing indeed. When people ask me questions I have a tendency to say What? Or What did you say? and then answer their question anyway for some reason.)
But Beyond All that...
I Love Socializing
I love socializing and usually feel like I'm pretty good at it. Although I usually feel like I'm putting on a "role" and I just kinda fall into place with that. I did Speech and Debate in High School and it was similar to that as well. When I'm in a role I don't really have an issue with eye contact, vocal pauses or the like. Socializing also never drains me like I see everyone else say, it energizes me. For the most part I feel like I'm good at socializing, as a kid I was pretty terrible and there's still times I feel like a fish out of water, but it seems a far cry from what other people have mentioned.
Not Mathematically/Scientifically Inclined
I love History, Social Studies, English etc. Math is a really big weak point of mine. Science tends to be my weak area as well unless it really interests me, like with Astronomy.
Sorry for the long post, just wanting to get an opinion on things here and make sense of all.
19 Mar 2017, 10:07 pm
