Attachment and Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

There was someone on this thread who started a topic about attachment, so I want to say something about attachment. I become very attached to certain things and people. When I was a kid, I loved the Magic School Bus. I still love the Magic School Bus. I have collected the toys, books, dvds, vhs tapes, and other memorabilia. My enthusiasm for the Magic School Bus has prompted me to become a fan and friend of Lily Tomlin, who voiced Ms. Frizzle. I have met Lily Tomlin 9 times and I stay in touch with her. She is the only celebrity who I have ever really loved and know. I have become very attached to her. She is in her late 70s now so she is getting up there in age, but she is in good health and still working. I could not fathom ever losing her. I don't think I could handle myself if she ever dies. I feel like I couldn't go on. She is irreplaceable to me. I also have become very attached to my grandparents. Three out of four of my grandparents have passed. When my grandma died, it was one of the worst things I have ever went through. Not only was it difficult losing my grandma, but my family had to sell her house that she lived in for over 50 years and the same house that I knew and basically grew up in. There are so many great memories in that house. I was very attached to it. I am the person who hates change. I become very attached to certain things and people. When I lose those things or people, I have a really hard time dealing with it. I was wondering if other people on the spectrum have a hard time coping with losing the things and people that we really love.

I can't get over my husband from 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to him in that long and I still think about him every single day. We had the closest bond and no one has ever known me as well as he did. He won't talk to me now because I'm a horrible person. I've "moved on", whatever that means...I've been in other relationships etc, but it all goes back to him. I just want a chance to make it right. But it's unrealistic. Still, I can't move on in my heart.

I'm still attached to my couple attachments, but distanced also. That's for the best, so I miss them and wish the best for them.

I have read in several places that we Aspies experience emotions much more intensely than NT's. This would certainly account for the inability or difficulty in letting go and moving on. I am 43 and married and I still think fondly about my high school crush from time to time. Weird, huh? (I say "crush" because I never actually dated her. I could never get my game together in high school. I am, after all, an Aspie!)

But it's not just people. I'm kind of a pack-rat with objects that I deem have "sentimental" value. It drives my wife nuts. It's not like I use or need the objects. But getting rid of the objects is like getting rid of the memories, too. Oh, sure -it's okay to keep a few small mementos of your grandparents or whatever. But not a whole basement! (Do I really need my grandfather's broken circular saw?) No, I'm not a hoarder -I don't collect things just to have them. It's the emotional content of the object or person that I can't part with.

I was just formally diagnosed with Aspergers this past month. It's been a lot to take in and accept -somewhat overwhelming. However, I am finally starting to understand myself after 43 years. By working with a therapist, I have begun to accept that it's okay to be who I am and to stop beating myself up, and to stop trying to conform to the roles everyone else expects me to play. Just be me. So, yes, it is part of Aspergers to become attached. As long as it doesn't make your life (or someone else's) unmanageable, so what? We must give ourselves permission to be ourselves without self-criticism and loathing.

To burnt_orange, I certainly don't know all the circumstances of your situation, but calling yourself a "horrible person" is really harsh. Perhaps you have internalized your husband's frustration with your Aspergers and made it your own. (Women tend to do that, whereas us men tend to blame other people.) Could it be that maybe you just failed to understand each other's needs -maybe him more than you? My wife and I are starting to learn that through therapy. And I can tell you from my own experience, when I sit and replay events of my life wishing I could get a "do-over", it's usually because I believed and internalized all the garbage the outside world told me about how I "should have" behaved. Once I realize that and accept I did the best I could under the circumstances, I find that memory suddenly doesn't hold as much weight anymore. It's a long healing process that I've just begun, but it's working and I'm less angry/depressed with the world these days. Give it a try -it might help you conquer your demons.

Hmm not me but I'm at least half NT. With only some AS traits that are not constantly there. (Still figuring that out somewhat.) I'm actually much more alexithymic rather than experience emotions intensely. That doesn't come easily.




Well, if you do it only from time to time that sounds normal to me or at least not really out of the ordinary by much.




OK that's less typical, yeah. Umm, I can have a hard time throwing out some things too. I have to deliberately make myself to make a decision on throwing the stuff out. But then I can do it. It feels OCD-ish really though more than AS, in my case.




That sounds really good. I also have the experience of (subconsciously) seeing myself in the wrong and only myself and nothing else when I have certain issues with people. I recently realized it's not something to feel bad about - even if that bad feeling doesn't get conscious, it would bother me by trying to analyze the issues too much. It's been such a relief realizing some things about those situations. I still want to conform to some rules though. The ones where I don't have to change myself beyond having a better understanding of things and maybe a little more emotional awareness, though my goal is definitely not to become totally aware (that'd mean changing myself too much).




Oh yeah absolutely this, about fighting with internalizing garbage from other people's frustrations. You put it so well. I let myself recently feel the subconscious feelings I referred to above, those must've come from what you are saying here. And then with me letting myself feel them, it resulted in feeling so angry about people and almost ending up in explicitly hating them But then I worked through it by seeing what you are saying here, that I can accept I just always did my best under the circumstances and that I can understand where the difficulties were and that I can learn more about typical intentions and needs of people in certain social circumstances. It doesn't mean I have to become like them and have to have the same intentions and needs or behave the exact same as them but taking that new understanding into account, it can help by just accepting that these people are different from me (and yes I'm also different from those people, accepting that too no problem).

Conquer those demons yes