Wishing you had no conscience

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Who else feels that way? It's hard not to do this, with all the bad things in the world. I end up wishing I were more numb as a result.

I sometimes feel very guilty about feeling unhappy. I ask myself "what right do I have to be unhappy, when there are so many very much worse things happening in the world?".

Its times like that when my conscience hurts the worst. When I am happy I worry much less about the bad things in the world; I do seem to have much less of a conscience when I am feeling happy about things. Im not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing.

Sure there's a load of bad things in the world but if they don't directly concern you or have an impact on your life then you can't let them affect you too much.
There's nothing wrong with taking a bit of time to mourn/grieve about things but after that just try and move on.

"Conscience doth make cowards of us all."

While many insist they have one, I wish I don't.
Not because I want to be strong nor wanting not to be feel anything anymore.

It simply holds me back to things I want to do. I just want to have more control to myself.
Regardles, it's for the same thing for me: to make things easier.

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Conscience and remorse I'm happy with. It's guilt that I'd like to lose. But I am who I am. Perhaps it's not even possible to separate conscience from self-loathing, though I can fondly imagine how it might be if I could simply check myself from doing significant, needless harm without beating myself up about the slightest insensitive or hostile impulse. It's really strange that I feel so guilty, because when I look back on my life, I've done very little damage to others, apart from a few mistakes of the same magnitude that most people have probably made. My mother never told me much about the good in me, but she focussed strongly on the bad. I don't know if anybody ever completely breaks free of that kind of thing.

I get upset sometimes and have real serious debates in my head if I crush a bug rather than put it outside, I often catch spiders even if they're gigantic tegenaria ones and put them in the grass outside, I kill flies outright but stuff like moths and daddy long legs I even usher out the window... even inanimate objects I can get attached to and feel awkward if I discard wrappers outside, I fret about whether they're cold or have been gusted into the sewer haha. So my conscience when it comes to deeper topics and other humans, well it's quite problematic!

You see, this is just one of those irrational wishes I have when I'm upset, just like when I was 7 or 8 and I wished I had no lacrimal gland because I was a crybaby. (I read about the lacrimal gland in a science magazine from school.)

I am appalled about what's happening in the world.

But I have a life, and I must live it.

People in places like Iraq have lives, too. They hate it when people express sympathy with their situation. They have a survival instinct which allows them to get past their apparent situation, and live a "normal" life with wives, kids, friends, etc, even while struggling in other ways.

During the Sahel drought in the 1990s, many people stuck in the drought resented the "foreigners" who came in to provide Food Aid (let me emphasize: this Food Aid was essential, and had to be done). Pride usually prevented most of these people from taking advantage of the Food Aid until their situation was really, really dire.