Falling in love and communication

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So I am sometimes at a place for people with autism and adhd.
I once told one of the staff that I had feelings for her. She told me that she did not see any signs of this. I guess I am good at hiding things like that.
Or perhaps I gave personal signs that is hard to interpret.

I can add that I started to like another person who is not a staff. That is probably better. I am talking about falling in love in both cases, I guess

Are some people really good at hiding their feelings? Due to ASD?
Or do we show it but in a very personal way?

I read a lot about things like "signs that someone likes you" but I am not sure I show those signs.

That is AKA "Flat affect", which many of us do indeed have. I cannot say I have had the best record in maintaining relationships, but I can say that once you DO "get with someone", it becomes much easier to learn what the other prefers in being shown re: how much you love them, your feelings for them, etc. and you can figure out those things you are able to do to "keep the fire"

I can show it with music or drama.
That seems much easier for me, I guess.

Are you saying that the unconscious signs are not common in ASD?

Some of us are. I remember being described by a psychiatric nurse that had worked in the lockdown ward of the local psychiatric hospital as being the most secretive person she'd ever met. And that included all sorts of people with paranoia disorders.

It's probably hard to get any relationship started. I always started with friendly chats or activities. If the other person seems receptive and "worthy" then I start to bombard them with "romantic" tricks like flowers, cards, poems and songs...etc. I have not fallen in love with strangers. I have to know someone well first. What you described sounds like a crush. If you moved to another town tomorrow and never see this person again, will you feel OK about it?

I thought we were the ones who were bad at hiding our feelings? I can't hide my feelings. Well, I can, but it takes a lot of mental effort for me to. That's why I dislike being out in public, because there are hidden rules where if you show emotion around strangers they stare and may even laugh at you. I find it easier when I'm with someone I know, because then I can at least verbally express my feelings. But when I'm on my own I feel I have to keep calm and cool even if I feel I'm about to crumble inside. If you show emotions in public and you're on your own, people mistake you as crazy or insane. If you're with others and you show your feelings they must only be positive and appropriate. As an ADHD person I find this extremely hard to find that balance. Which is why I dislike going out in public.

No!! !! !! !

I think that the signals one sends out to show that one is interested romantically in another person are done intentionally, they are not just a matter of letting your feelings show.

I've never known any of this. It makes sense to me, but I'd never be able to think through all of that and mask according to a plan or strategy. I'm always just free falling, doing whatever comes naturally to me with no script or internal dialogue other than "don't be rude". No wonder I avoid people so much, although I know you do too.

I have one question though. Isn't it OK to look sad or worried if you're with someone else? In that case people might think you're reacting to a problem the other person is having, as if you're a good friend to them. You said people in pairs have to look positive.

I don't know how to look anything on purpose or mask, because I have a flat affect. It's still interesting to think about.

You can express negative emotions if you're with someone in public but it's still got to be performed in a 'calm and cool' way. I think, though, that people only look when someone is expressing too much negative emotion because people are drawn to drama. Still, it isn't nice for the person because they might be in distress and the last thing you want when in distress is everyone gawping at you. Some people even laugh at you.

But this thread is really talking about expressing love feelings, not just feelings in general. But I don't have difficulties with expressing love either. When I was single I used to flirt with guys I liked or was obsessed with, especially with bus-drivers. But being a female I got away with it, I was annoying probably, but if I had been a guy hanging around girls like that I'd probably be seen as creepy or even might have been deemed a sexual offender maybe. But I'm not sure.

I have my own take on the "falling in love" situation. As I believe I've said before, falling in love with somebody is mostly a powerful urge for sexual union with them, in other words it's more biochemical than spiritual. This offends some people but the fact is that people are ashamed of their sexual desires so they make them respectable by speaking in terms of love. There's also the aspect of such feelings being reciprocated. So if you fancy someone in that way and they reciprocate, so you and they spend much of your time sharing physical intimacy, then it should be no surprise that the mere sight or thought of them will give you a huge endorphin rush.

For somebody who suffers from "flat affect" I think the key is to express interest in a more direct way. Luckily for me, when I was single, I wasn't afraid to approach prospects and ask for dates etc. OTOH I was also sometimes approached. Also if you can't be exactly charming, you can at least act goofy and non-threatening, such an act can be seen as an odd but unmistakable sign of interest. If the other person finds you attractive, they might respond in kind.

As for long-term relationships though, there I think the key is commitment to making the relationship work. If you can't express that through your body language or facial expression, then do so by actions. Also initiating sex is a good reminder that you want to continue your relationship with that person rather than with someone else. Long-term commitment and marriage are a good deal especially for men although they don't always understand that until they're around 30 years old. Younger women will sometimes think they want it but are sometimes just in love with the idea and would be better served by having more light-hearted flings until the right guy truly comes along.

Having been married 38 years, I believe that our marriage has lasted because we were both ready for marriage and committed to making it work. It's no secret that I'm not good at giving non-verbal signals of romantic feelings but my allegiance to my partner has never been in doubt so that shortcoming has been tolerated. As my brother-in-law has been living in our basement for most of a year, I'll admit it's been tough hearing my wife say that she likes having him around for "someone to talk to" but as that's not meant to imply she's ready to end the marriage, I don't let it bother me. I do lots of things to make her smile, but I'll admit sharing feelings is not my superpower.

This may tie in to why I've expressed the belief that arranged marriages such as they have in India aren't such a bad idea, as I think if you've gone to the trouble to arrange a marriage you're probably not going to want to make yourself seem a fool by mucking it up down the road.

Not sure if this directly answers the OP but some of it might be relevant.

When I was way younger, 13 or 14 years old, I showed such signs or just said that I fell in love with this or that girl. I was bullied by the girl I found attractive and her friends. Since then I decided to say nothing. I didn't go further than looking at her from time to time, without saying anything. Some of her friends seemed to be trustworthy, and I can talk to them until a certain level, but I knew they liked to slander behind my back.

I learned in a hard way: "Don't tell that girl or woman you like her, love her, fell in love with her, or you will pay for it." I lost interest in girls and woman. Later on, a few girls told me, that I am completely immune to seduction or have no interest in women at all. I was called a homosexual, also because they never saw me with a girl or woman. But a homosexual has a same-sex relationship, but they never saw me with a boy or man.

Because of being bullied, I completely lost interest in women. I disliked them sexually, but I disliked them less socially, as long as I ignore the gender of the person I am talking to. If I don't show interest, there is nothing they can bully me with, or they will bully me for a different reason.

Another point: I am very intelligent. Other people can't handle it. They are jealous. They know, it is hard to lie or deceive me, because I could find that out and s**t could hit the fan. It's possible that women (or actually most of the people, regardless their gender) don't like me.

I have a relationship with a woman from Russia. There are many interesting things we have in common. We are really never bored. But if the relationship breaks, it would be very depressing. I am not able to find a woman, because it's not likely they are genuinely interested, not as interested als the Russian woman is now.