Can't feel "in love." How to fix this?

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Joined: 10 Apr 2017
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 19

10 Apr 2017, 2:21 pm

Hi, folks!

I'm an aromantic aspie.

I'm 40, and have never felt "in love", while in a relationship.

Has anyone of you experienced this? If yes, have you been able to overcome this (and how)?

Thanks!

Keigan
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10 Apr 2017, 2:51 pm

For myself it is in my DNA, I'm just not wired for it.

Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population.

Wiki for Alexithymia:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

An online test and forums for Alexithymia:
http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html

AnonymousAnonymous
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11 Apr 2017, 9:09 pm

Have a sense of patience to overcome your sense of being aromantic. It takes time.

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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!

AspieWanderer
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12 Apr 2017, 12:41 pm

Keigan wrote:

For myself it is in my DNA, I'm just not wired for it.

Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population.

Thanks for the link to the test! I took it and here are the results:

----------------------------------------------------

Test Results: 125 Points

Alexithymia: You show high alexithymic traits.

Detailed Results:

Your result is broken down into various factors to give you some insight into your result.

Category: Difficulty Identifying Feelings: 17 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show some alexithymic traits.

Category: Difficulty Describing Feelings: 15 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Vicarious Interpretation of Feelings: 6 Points <8 - 9>
In this category you show no alexithymic traits.

Category: Externally-Oriented Thinking: 28 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Restricted Imaginative Processes: 24 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Problematic Interpersonal Relationships: 21 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Sexual Difficulties and Disinterest: 14 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.
-------------------------------------------

I'll find a specialist on the subject and work with them, so they can help me with this.

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:

Have a sense of patience to overcome your sense of being aromantic. It takes time.

Thankfully, I am patient.

Thanks again, folks!

AnonymousAnonymous
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12 Apr 2017, 2:52 pm

If you meet someone, start the relationship at a strictly platonic level then work your way up.

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LaetiBlabla
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12 Apr 2017, 3:11 pm

That is something that is fixed as soon as you stop trying to fix it.

I think this is also why analytical, logical, practical mind can less easily fall in love.

itsme82
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12 Apr 2017, 5:06 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:

Have a sense of patience to overcome your sense of being aromantic. It takes time.

Sorry but. This makes zero sense. How would it magically resolve on its own?

I mean, patience is fine, yes, but something else would have to be done too.

Like, start with developing more awareness of feelings?

I don't know what needs to be done to fix the whole issue, of course, this is just an example that's more than just patiently waiting. Because that doesn't work, I've been there, tried that, no go.

OP obviously waited even longer. He's 40 as he says in first post.

LaetiBlabla wrote:

That is something that is fixed as soon as you stop trying to fix it.

I think this is also why analytical, logical, practical mind can less easily fall in love.

How do you interpret "trying to fix it"? You think OP is overthinking it or something?

And again, see as above, it won't magically resolve on its own.

You can't tell the "analytical, logical, practical mind" to stop ALL logical thinking, either.

itsme82
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12 Apr 2017, 5:15 pm

AspieWanderer wrote:

I have experienced this issue, yes. Still experiencing it, in fact.

I have a few questions though, maybe thinking about them helps you a bit, too?

- What do you interpret as feeling "in love"? Can you write about this as much as you can? Give yourself a bit of time to think/wonder about this first if needed.
- Why do you feel or why do you think there is a need to overcome this?
- How much time do you spend on awareness of your feelings in general?
- Have you never experienced even a little bit of the feeling of "love" (whatever you see as "love")? Some other related feeling either? Inside or outside any relationship you've had?
- Have you experienced any love or attachment or other related feelings in friendships? For family members?

LaetiBlabla
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13 Apr 2017, 2:21 am

itsme82 wrote:

LaetiBlabla wrote:

That is something that is fixed as soon as you stop trying to fix it.

I think this is also why analytical, logical, practical mind can less easily fall in love.

I think love is losing control. And if you stop "trying to fix it", you start losing control. It's a start.

itsme82
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13 Apr 2017, 3:06 am

LaetiBlabla wrote:

itsme82 wrote:

LaetiBlabla wrote:

That is something that is fixed as soon as you stop trying to fix it.

I think this is also why analytical, logical, practical mind can less easily fall in love.

I think love is losing control. And if you stop "trying to fix it", you start losing control. It's a start.

If it was that simple.... to be honest, doesn't sound like you speak from experience. I am, though.

AspieWanderer
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13 Apr 2017, 11:53 am

Hi!

itsme82 wrote:

- What do you interpret as feeling "in love"? Can you write about this as much as you can? Give yourself a bit of time to think/wonder about this first if needed.

Having butterflies in my stomach.

Constantly thinking of the other person and wanting to be in their presence.

- Why do you feel or why do you think there is a need to overcome this?

Because I want to feel "normal".

Because, with the way things are now, I don't see myself ever having a family of my own (wife and kids).

- How much time do you spend on awareness of your feelings in general?

Not sure how to even answer this. You mean saying to myself "now I feel anger", "now I feel frustrated", etc?

- Have you never experienced even a little bit of the feeling of "love" (whatever you see as "love")? Some other related feeling either? Inside or outside any relationship you've had?

I had felt this as a teenager. I didn't do anything with the girl I had these feelings for, but I remember that "I had lost my mind". I had felt a milder version of it for a woman I had met a few years ago (I was seeing someone else at the time so this relationship never moved forward).

I guess I become more and more cynical as I grow older.

- Have you experienced any love or attachment or other related feelings in friendships? For family members?

In general, I'm an extremely independent person.

According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I'm an "INTJ" (introverted, need a lot of time by myself, and highly analytical).

Sure, I do feel some attachment - mainly to my mother and nephews.

As far as friends go, I have never really felt the "need" to have friends (only a female partner).

Thanks!

lostonearth35
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13 Apr 2017, 12:01 pm

Don't feel too badly about it. Most human beings including NT humans, are not capable of feeling real love and will only find a partner out of their fear of being alone, because most NT humans would rather be with someone and miserable than alone and happy.

itsme82
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Joined: 15 Nov 2012
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13 Apr 2017, 12:39 pm

lostonearth35 wrote:

Doesn't mean it has to be that way. The NTs could also fix these psychological issues. Maybe it takes hard work yah.

itsme82
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13 Apr 2017, 12:46 pm

AspieWanderer wrote:

Hi!
- What do you interpret as feeling "in love"? Can you write about this as much as you can? Give yourself a bit of time to think/wonder about this first if needed.

Having butterflies in my stomach.

Constantly thinking of the other person and wanting to be in their presence.

- Why do you feel or why do you think there is a need to overcome this?

Because I want to feel "normal".

Because, with the way things are now, I don't see myself ever having a family of my own (wife and kids).

- How much time do you spend on awareness of your feelings in general?

Not sure how to even answer this. You mean saying to myself "now I feel anger", "now I feel frustrated", etc?

- Have you never experienced even a little bit of the feeling of "love" (whatever you see as "love")? Some other related feeling either? Inside or outside any relationship you've had?

I had felt this as a teenager. I didn't do anything with the girl I had these feelings for, but I remember that "I had lost my mind". I had felt a milder version of it for a woman I had met a few years ago (I was seeing someone else at the time so this relationship never moved forward).

I guess I become more and more cynical as I grow older.

- Have you experienced any love or attachment or other related feelings in friendships? For family members?

In general, I'm an extremely independent person.

According to the Myers-Briggs personality test, I'm an "INTJ" (introverted, need a lot of time by myself, and highly analytical).

Sure, I do feel some attachment - mainly to my mother and nephews.

As far as friends go, I have never really felt the "need" to have friends (only a female partner).

Thanks!

You sound a bit schizoid-ish (SPD traits of extreme independence and feeling no need for relationships beyond having some relations to family).

But not actually real SPD, I guess, if you had felt some versions of the "love" thing you are seeking.

And yes that's what I meant by awareness, well, the basic form of it.

Why are you becoming more cynical?

AspieWanderer
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13 Apr 2017, 1:16 pm

itsme82 wrote:

Why are you becoming more cynical?

Because I used to believe in the "fairytale version" of love: "Boy meets girl, they fall in love, live happily ever after."

Yeah, right.

Relationships take a lot of hard work, and compromises. And most don't last forever. Princesses and princes ain't that common either.

I guess you can also say I have become more of a realist.

Thanks!

LaetiBlabla
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13 Apr 2017, 3:20 pm

itsme82 wrote:

LaetiBlabla wrote:

I think love is losing control. And if you stop "trying to fix it", you start losing control. It's a start.

If it was that simple.... to be honest, doesn't sound like you speak from experience. I am, though.

After 36 years on this planet, I finally felt Love for someone, true love, the one you can't mix with something else.

So, i'm speaking from my experience.

It is difficult to lose control.

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