The Works Event

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Next week, where I work is holding a "staff party". There will be noise and lots of people. I'm sure you know where this is going.

Well, I certainly won't be. And I'm going to have to justify this to people for the rest of this week. Apparently it's not enough to say you're not going because you don't enjoy these things, and will probably have to leave rather suddenly when it gets too much. No, my work colleagues think they know better than me what is good for me. I've admitted to the management I have AS, and there are only certain things I can tolerate (none of this interferes with my role at work, btw). Why are people trying to get me to even though (1) I've said I don't want to (2) I'm neurologically incapable of enjoying crowded, noisy events and (3) there's nothing in my general personality to suggest to even those who are unaware of my AS that it would be something I would do?

I understand what you mean by all of this. I have a similar work environment, where my bosses know I am autistic but none of my coworkers do (actually, one does. I don't know who she may have told). My autism does not interfere with my work at all, but it does cause similar social problems like yours. We have Christmas parties, for one example. My boss had a special campaign party at her house last summer and invited everyone to go (she is an elected official). I explained to her privately that it would be too much for me and she understood. I simply told everyone else I had other plans that I couldn't cancel.
I think you should probably explain to your boss or someone in management who is aware of your AS and obligated to keep it a secret the real reason you will not be attending and then tell everyone else something simple and non-explanatory like you wish you could come but you have another obligation at that time.

What I do is just turn up with an excuse in hand. Tell people I can only stay for 30 mins\1 hour because <insert excuse here such as I'd already agreed to meet a friend later>. Then when I want to bail I do.

Secretly tell the boss you want to come but only if you can serve people and clean up after them, which you're happy to do. Then do it in plain sight with everyone noticing and try as hard as possible to make it a non-issue. If confronted, say "I just want to help... would you like another soda?" and so on. And be the last to leave and help take the trash out when everyone else is gone.

I know how you feel. I wound up volunteering for my office fundraiser in March, a huge affair at a hotel ballroom with a couple hundred people milling around and being loud. I thought I could stick it out, but two hours in, I was under the table in my giant noise-cancelling headphones, nonverbal and hitting my head against the table leg repeatedly. My friend who works with me and knows about my autism, ended up putting me in a restraint and having her intern escort me back to my car. It was humiliating to say the least.

As for what to say to the people who won't leave you alone about it, I'd just stop bothering. You've tried to explain it a few times, and frankly, it's none of their concern whether you attend or not. If they keep asking why you didn't go once the event is over, just say you didn't feel like it. I know NTs can be annoyingly persistent about this kind of thing though.

I suspect that most NTs are largely unaware that there can exist people with high-functioning ASD or Asperger's, who can seemingly function quite well in their normal work environment and yet suffer from profound sensory, social and other difficulties. Thus quite likely the average NT will assume that a colleague who is reluctant to attend a social work function is "a bit shy," and just in need of a bit of encouragement to join in the fun. I don't think it is done with any malice or ill-intent, and indeed there may well be examples of shy NTs for whom such an encouragement to "join in" would actually not be a bad thing.

I've been on the receiving end of such pressures all my life, and only recently, once I'd realised that I have the ASD traits myself, did I start to have the confidence to be more assertive in my refusal to be talked into attending events that I knew I would not enjoy. If necessary, I now allude to "sensory difficulties" or something like that, if people persist in trying to persuade me to attend. Usually, that seems to do the trick, in my experience.

They're still at it today. They've now resorted to the typical NT persuasion tactic - the guilt trip. "We'd like you to go. Everybody would be disappointed if you didn't."

Twenty years ago, that might have worked on me. But I've learned a lot since then.

It is the old if you just try harder you can be normal or we all have problems suck it up like the rest of us attitudes.

As to what to do it depends on where this pressure is coming from. As said if you have not informed management do so. If it is management putting on this pressure on you are in a pickle. You have to go or start to look for another job. If you decide to go use every coping technique you can think of prior and during the event.

I am not a disabilty lawyer so take the following information with the knowlege of my lack of knowledge. Since attending the party is both harmful to you due to your condition and not part of the job description forcing you to go probably violates the disability descrimination laws. Whether you can actually win a discrimination suit is questionable. Even if you do win it will take a lot of time and money and could result in you bieng blackballed as a "troublemaker" and nastiness at work.

Its may all be a game to you, though OPs post because they seek relevant replies, and littering numerous threads with irrelevant posts on a sustained basis is a form of trolling which is not going to be tolerated on an ongoing basis. Please post with respect to topics and the issues raised by OPs or confine your humour to a thread of your own in the Random forum.

I managed to avoid this event. It took a whole week of saying "no" and refusing to discuss it any further. They were still trying to change my mind as late as this afternoon, but I put on the "hardest" face I could manage and said I wasn't going.

Now that's over, the fun will come tomorrow when we see what state everyone turns up to work in, if indeed they do at all.