On the verge

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I was diagnosed with Aspergers about five years ago - I'm 43 now, and I'm slowly learning about why my life has been so messed up. My mother is in denial and doesn't see it, my father hasn't been diagnosed but I recognise the traits in him - however, I get quite upset if I think too deeply about things like the library/theatre test question and my dad doesn't get it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a autism rollercoaster, like now, where I get to the point that I just can't control the repetitive thought processes and I have to lash out. I'm going through emotions that make my head feel like it's going to pop. Normally I can keep on top of this, but not just now.

I'm now in a very dark place and there's no way out. My normal techniques of denial and a brave face are not working and I really don't know what to do. I'm scared that if I keep this up I'm going to do something very bad; I will react to a situation without being able to control it.

What do I do...

Greetings. As a late diagnosed aspie myself, I can understand trying make sense of things retrospectively. If your "go to" methods for coping with things are not working for you I would strongly recommend speaking with someone professionally. Together you might be able to come up with some new strategies that will help you cope better and you also might find some better ways of doing things overall. At the very least, I would suggest taking a look at where you biggest problem areas are and see if there are ways to minimize any stress or anxiety that are present with them. (For me meditation has been a huge help)

You might not think there is a way out, but there is. I think the the fact that you recognize this shift in your ability to not be able to contain your emotions as well as you have is a good sign. It indicates that you are not blind to them and that means there is hope for making a positive change. Kind regards. Shark

Thanks for the reply. I'm not good with strangers so counselling is not an easy thing to consider.

This has kind of come from nowhere. Last month all was in control and I actually felt happy, now I have that monster inside me that's trying to get out.

I've been feeling the same way of late. Everything frustrates me, everything makes me angry, and my head banging and other self-injury have increased significantly, and will occur with far less provocation than before. I personally have found a lot of use in therapy, though I know it's hard to talk about personal things with strangers. Are there any triggers that you can recognise that consistently cause problems, that you can work on avoiding? Are there any sensory soothing techniques that you could try? I'm getting a weighted blanket for my office that I'm hoping will help with emotional regulation and decrease the self-injurious outbursts.

After "coping" and "passing" for many years, the toll of strain on the adrenal system can cause it to become exhausted and collapse under the weight of years of accumulated stress.

Above all, in recovery, get the rest that you need; exhaustion is the trigger which starts the cascade of burnout symptoms. Care for yourself kindly on all levels - physical, emotional, psychological and the intensely personal level of the soul-self. Notice your dreams. Allow yourself to deeply relax at least once a day. Do things that lift your heart.

The good thing about periods of chaos is that they tend to open doors to transformation, and help nudge us toward changes our deeper self knows we need.

Until a year ago I worked in a high stress job in the oil industry but I quit last year as I just couldn't cope with the pressure anymore. I had thought it was PTSD, but beginning to think it's burnout all along.

Finding the cause of my issues is really helpful, so thanks again!