Could I have Asperger's?

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Hello,

I'm 37 years old and only recently discovered that there seem to be human beings experiencing life / interactions in a similar way as I do (I'd started to give up on that), that there seems to be a word ("autism") that describes how I have been feeling my whole life... It somehow seems a huge relief to me, but the idea is still very confusing to me and in many ways I don't fit the descprition... I will add a text I just wrote about how I experience every day social encounters in the streets and would be very grateful if someone would be so kind to read it and maybe respond to it. I apologize for maybe awkward phrases or incorrect grammar, I'm not a native speaker.

Close encounter

First, when I meet somebody very often there is such a strong joy that I experience, just a vast joy about meeting another human being in this wide empty loneliness of the universe and even experiencing that this other being is willing to make contact with me; it feels amazing, overwhelming, I would like to hug that being, scream out, laugh out wildly...
But I also realize, that the other being doesn't seem to share the same emotion, but seems to be more neutral, maybe indifferent, also doesn't seem to perceive this encounter as something special, but rather something regular, normal, also with no obvious display of any clear emotion, rather some sort of maybe small joy which also could be politeness, maybe preoccupation (with whatever, children, chores, tests...), self-absorbedness, maybe also grief that something terrible has happened in the life of the person so I'd rather not show my huge joy not to seem inappropriate, but try to adapt my emotion to the state of the other person...
Which is quite difficult, because first of all the emotion of the other person can change very quickly and I have to observe very carefully to keep up with the pace of that change, second, my emotion tends to change as well, my initial joy has turned into deep frustration and anger from being held back and scolded, now wanting either to hurt the other person, cry out and be comforted or just run away and disappear forever again in the wide vast emptiness of the universe, where at least it's quiet, undisturbed and where I can find a certain calmness in my inner life.

Still, I'm not done, there is also the task to behave verbally...

At first, it's easy, I can just ask the person how he / she is and from there normally we have a new ice shell to hop on to not drown in the ocean below. Maybe the person tells me about an event planned for the afternoon, so I can start my questioning program, trying not to ask the questions too quickly to not give the impression that I'm not listening but also quick enough that the other person doesn't find time to ask me a question because that would be a quite overwhelming task and provoke more useless questions I have to ask myself again.
Nonetheless, the part of me which is obsessed with conversational and social equilibrium keeps telling me 2 things: first of all that it is polite to give the other being also the chance to ask questions and second that it is part of normal human interaction that people not only ask questions but also just say something about themselves, the weather, maybe a joke.
It is again difficult terrain, because to say something that may not sound awkward or weird, I have to know about the interests of the other being to tailor my comment to this interest as well as try to use the other person's speech pattern, vocabulary, rhythm of speech at the same time monitoring my eye contact to keep the nonverbal conversation flow going, also observing my body language, especially not directing my front too strongly towards the other being for not showing any signs of aggression or conflict but also not directing my body away too strongly so that the other being doesn't get the impression that I'm not interested, rude, arrogant and would turn away (focus of attention or behaviorally) as well as not freezing in a compromise position because just standing there in immobility would once more seem inappropriate and obstruct the nonverbal flow of the conversation (conversations should be like a dance...).

Inside a deep exhaustion starts to fill me and reinforces my urge to run away into a distant corner of the universe and lock the dimensional door there.

Just a regular encounter on the street that could happen every day in my life. Outwardly I seem to appear completely "normal".

If you have kept with me up to here, thank you so much

Last edited by Simon Green on 26 May 2017, 6:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

I can't help much because I don't know for myself yet.

I tried to read your text but it's a bit hard to read. Could you edit it and put some paragraph breaks in? I think it would be easier to read and you might get more responses.
Wishing you luck!

Hi, I don't know if it sounds too much like Aspergers but to me it definately sounds like social anxiety disorder. It is possible to have both conditions at the same time. There is lots of information on social anxiety disorder on the net. Worth a read

@bumbleme - what does your name mean? kind of like bumble bee but with me instead of bee? Thanks for your suggestion. I tried to add some paragraphs, maybe it's a bit easier to read now... I guess it turned out like a one-sentence-text because I wanted to put in it the sensation of the rush I feel when encounters like this happen... the words also just poured out of me when I started writing.

@bunnyb - thank you for reading my text and sharing your impression. I know about social anxiety disorder - I'm a psychotherapist myself and have treated myself and been in treatment for SAD and I don't feel anxious in social situations anymore, I can easily socialize, have a partner, closer and less close friends, can handle all different kinds of social situations (eating / writing / speaking in front of people) - I've even particularly well trained getting up in front of people by attending a theatre school - definitely not a place for a social phobic Still there remains the feeling of somehow being very far away from other people, even close ones and the millions of thoughts going through my head which lead to exhaustion even after a nice dinner with my girlfriend. Would love to read your thoughts about this or your experiences with social situations.

Hello, I'm sorry if I can't offer much insight, I'm not an expert at ASD diagnosis, but reading how you feel in social situations - millions of thoughts going through your head that exhaust you still sounds like anxiety in my unprofessional opinion. You say you can easily socialize. Does it feel like you know what to do in social situations naturally?

Also I think it's interesting that you went to theatre school. I have always had an intense interest in acting and theatre. This led me to going to theatre school as well, though I wasn't able to finish the program at the intense training school I went to and instead finished a BA in theatre at a regular university. I've had clinicians tell me that theatre is a weird interest for someone with autism but clinicians that know autism tell me it seems like it was a natural interest for me since I had so much trouble holding conversations as a kid that my dad would write me scripts, and as I got older I started writing scripts for myself and it's a coping mechanism I still rely on today.

@invisibleboy: thank you for your reply and thoughts! I don't experience millions of thoughts only in social situations, it just seems to be me in every situation... When I'm alone and write them down (I do that a lot), I feel more in control and more like having the overview... At some extent I can relax in social situations and feel pleasure, but also realise that for the past 20 years I had forced myself to master social situations, thinking that "being normal = preferring to be more with others than alone". Now I realize that actually I prefer to spend time on my own, reading, pursuing my interests. Not as an avoidance mechanism for social anxiety I think, but more because there's only a limited amount of happiness to be found there for me (even though I like and love people).
Interesting that we share the interest for theatre! Are you active in that field nowadays? I think we all have to learn "scripts" for social situations / life in general, most people just seem to be able to do it more unconsciously. Seems like you had to put quite an effort into that! And also sounds like you had quite an understanding dad. Certainly the field of theatre is a good way to develop this even further!

For me you don't sound like someone with Asperger. I might be wrong but thats the impression I got, reading your explanation.

You seen deeply aware of other people body language and how your own body language affects them - it might because you managed to learn it during your pretty long life but to me it seems you were able to read social cues in the first place but for one reason or another you developed social phobia and now you pay more attention to them than you need.

You also seem like a very social person. Sure, there is an "active but odd" subtype of Asperger but I identify as one and what you describe doesn't sound familiar to me. I do like speaking with people and am quite expressive(I use theatrical body language) but I don't feel a strong need to bond nor the feeling of human contact is something awesome. It's exciting, yes, but rollercoaster ride is also exciting, no big deal.
I would rather say I use people as boards that listen and ask questions I can answer. I am not afraid of answering those questions - quite the opposite, I love answering questions. Well, unless the question is about how I feel or what I like because those are difficult - I have alexithymia. And as for their emotions - I won't see anything unless they get obviously bored, angry or happy, or if they reaction is very different from what I expected(for example I said a joke and smiled and they don't laugh nor smile back, or they said something that was logically a joke but used serious tone and didn't smile). And even if I know something bad happened to them or they are sensitive about some topics I will probably forget about it soon and say something improper, lost in the world of my own mind that is finding it's way out through my mouth.

Of course every Aspie is different so you could be one. I don't have social phobia. Perhaps I would feel like you if I had one.

But for me you sound like an extrovert with social phobia, interested in people. Living in a "country of introverts" (I believe Switzerland is one of them) that prefer to keep to themselves so the social norms don't fit your natural communicating style . Visit Greece or Spain and see if you still have your problems there.

Hi Simon, yes I am still active in theatre. I've moved more in the direction of writing but I still act occasionally. I've learned how to use my quirks to my advantage and theatre is one place that actually accepts a bit of eccentricity. Improv training was really good for me, it got me used to thinking on my feet and made me much more able to use spontaneous communication instead of always relying on scripts.

While I was in university I struggled a lot because there was so much input, so much stimulation, and so many people. I'm not suited towards lectures and tests at all. It took me 6 years to settle into it and complete my BA, and even then I ended up choosing to graduate with a regular BA instead of taking the extra year or two to get the honours. I didn't realize until after I graduated and had moved into working from home that I am actually much healthier when I spend most of my time alone. That's pretty much how I operate now.

I don't know if I experience the same thing you do in "loving people". There are a few people I love. I love my family. But I don't feel that instinct to want to be around people.

Hi Simon,

I'm not sure if you have Asperger's syndrome but I found your writing fascinating.

I can relate to your obsessive thoughts, the analysing about should I shouldn't I be leaning in closer to this person, is it right or not to ask a question now, and so on.

You are very successful and that is not often the case for people with Asperger's. However you are from Switzerland and from what I understand that country is one of the most educated and enlightened in the world. It is possible, then, that in Switzerland people with Asperger's are more likely to succeed because opportunities are more accessible there.

By the way I for a while had an obsession with Switzerland. I have never visited but I was awestruck when I read about your country's trains that run so frequently and go almost everywhere. I like how many Swiss towns and cities don't sprawl too much. It seems to be a country that is very clever at balancing different needs. Unusual. Sorry for the tangent. I just wanted to share.

@invisibleboy: What do you write? Plays? I can relate very well to what you write about improv training, in fact I did the same thing (improv) for the same reason: to try out new ways to handle people / social situations / everyday situations, also experienced being able, like you write, to use my quirks in a positive way - a woman in an improv class once told me in a break: "Oh, I thought you were acting like this on stage, but you're always like that"... I also think I know what you mean about input & stimulation at university, I liked the anonymity though, the possibility to hide, to do a lot of work at home...

@kiriae: thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences! What a strange thing to be called an extrovert, it has never happend before even though yes, I sometimes seem to appear like an extrovert, but to me this feels more like a role I'm able to play in certain situations. I definitely could not live in Spain or Greece, first of all because of the high temperatures and second because of the more active body language (gesticulation) and higher amount of physical contact in mediterranean cultures, I always get startled when people move quickly close to me and touching provokes a strong stress reaction. I tried Belgium and the USA, but I prefer Switzerland with its correctness, order, cleanliness and rules.
You say that you like to answer questions - how about this one: I read that many autistic people say that they don't feel the need to be in contact with other people or don't care about others: So why are there so many online forums especially for people with autism?? curious about your answer

@fifasy: thank you very much for your reply, relating and thoughts. It's a very interesting theory that Switzerland could be a good place for people with Asperger's... in fact, there are many rules and regulations here that offer a lot of orientation and security, there's order and cleanliness in the streets, people love traditions and rituals... and also, people are quite distant, don't try to talk to strangers, keep to themselves more or less - something I like. I also very much appreciate the train system, my favorite thing is, that if the train is only one minute late, the train driver apologizes for it - I'm obsessed with punctuality and this definitely satisfies my need!

And yes, I am grateful for what I've achieved in my life, even though it took a lot of energy and I had to go through many phases of anxiety, depression, estrangement, conflicts with people around me... always having the impression that everybody else around me is able to handle life and everyday things so much easier... even though I think that I may be more at the low end of the spectrum, I definitely recognise myself in many aspects of Asperger's (difficulties with interaction, eg eye contact, taking turns in conversations, having difficulties making friends, preferring to spend a lot of time alone, pursuing my interests, loving it if every day is the same, eating the same food all the time, compulsively doing rhythmic movements with my fingers or body all the time, when walking always trying to arrange my movements in a certain pattern) and this comes as a relief to me as it offers me more understanding about myself, why life seems to take so much energy and seems so complicated...

I don't feel need to be in a regular contact with other people but I like internet contact with strangers I can talk about random topics without getting attached. Personally I don't even pay attention to nicknames - I only know what I read, not who wrote it unless it really matters (if during reading a message I think I need to see the location, sex or age of the person to fully understand what they describe - I check it).
I don't feel the need to socialize in real life and I dislike when people force me to message them daily just to do do some small talk as an expression of attachment. In internet forums I am the one in control - I can answer any topic I like and skip any I don't like and noone is going to be angry with me for "ghosting" them.

And while I do care about other people I don't express it in a way people around me can understand and I am often too much in my own head to see how others feel unless I am told it precisely.
If someone is telling me about their discomfort or I see the reason I will feel their pain as if it were my own and I will do my best to fix the issue. But people might read it as no caring. For example when someone cuts their finger everyone is like "OMG, are you OK? Does it hurt?" while I just silently leave the room... to find a bandage. And when someone gets stung by an insect I will just get on my phone or computer... to find a solution.

You could say I don't care about other people though because I am not interested in knowing what strangers are married to, if they have any kids, what food they like etc. And I won't even care what they are interested in unless it's something I am interested in too. My mom knows more about my friends than I do and I don't even know when she managed to ask them all of that because I just pay so little attention to what they do when they visit me. And friends are people I actually care to learn about because it's important to keep the relationship going.
You might ask why I am friends with them if I am not interested in people - it all started with a common interest and attachment grew from there.

Online forums give you an opportunity to talk with people you share an interest with. There are some offtopics and random discussions but generally the forum goes around a single subject. Forums are interest related. For example Wrong Planet is about ASD - which autistic people are naturally interested in at least at some point of their life. You met other autistics there and can learn from their experiences how to deal with your own issue. It something you cannot find in real life.

Simon, Switzerland sounds almost perfect for Aspies.

I hope you stay here, I would be interested in reading your perspective on things. To me it seems you do have Asperger's but of course I can't diagnose.