Confusion about diagnosis

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When I was a lot younger I used to always prefer being alone and a child specialist who came out to see me once thought I was deaf because I wouldn't respond to her or acknowledge her at all (I think that's common in Aspergers/autism?) but I would respond to my parents, if only in grunts or gestures sometimes.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 13 after going to the GP for depressive mood/anxiety, then undiagnosed later on and diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, then having added diagnoses of major depression and personality disorder with predominantly borderline traits and avoidant traits...!

It's obvious that clinicians don't really get me since they're changing diagnoses around all the time, but I'm posting here because after all that faffing around I think that Aspergers fits. I had the ADOS test done at around 15 because the diagnosis of Aspergers just pissed me off so much that I requested it. It came out as negative but now I'm just not sure. I feel like the psychologist just wanted to spare my feelings. I passed all the tasks themselves but my eye contact and spontaneous conversation were forced. I'm 22 now, and since then have struggled massively with even going to school, and breaking down in tears if I had to be around people. I just had a haircut today and I just sat there, avoiding looking even myself in the eyes in the mirror, made no expressions and responded only when spoken to, and then only briefly.

A lot of my symptoms do revolve around severe anxiety and paranoia; I constantly scan my surroundings for any sign of judgement and hate people hearing what I have to say. I get ridiculed often because of it. I also have a completely blank expression most of the time because I can't seem to work out how to convey non verbal cues if that makes sense? I can interpret them well enough anyway as I've done enough body language/empathising/theory of mind tests online and they're normal.

I often wonder if a lot of what I struggle with is down to my upbringing. I have sexual abuse from a parent in my past, and my parents were both dysfunctional in different ways. My dad (the abuser) is always cold, detached and indifferent whereas my mum is extremely emotional and will fly into a rage over trivial things. There may even be PTSD in there somewhere but anyway...

I do definitely have Aspergers traits at least and I want to know if anyone else has been confused about their diagnosis. Did it take a long time for you to finally settle on Aspergers? Do you have abusive parents too and how has that changed your presentation?

Thanks

What you're describing is very common for people with mild autism. We can go to 10 different psychiatrists, and be told 10 different things. I used to think 'what is wrong with me, that my symptoms are so ambiguous?' But now I tend to think, 'what is wrong with the psychiatric profession, that they can't even agree on a diagnosis?'

I cope with this reality by accepting that mental health professionals are flawed human beings, operating under imperfect guidelines, and that the help they have to offer is of limited use. It's not their fault, it's not my fault, it's just how things are. Society has never really known what to do about people with mental health issues, and I hope that one day the psychiatric profession will be more competent in helping us, but for now we have to be self-reliant, and find our own ways of coping, in a world that doesn't know what to do with us.

You're not alone buddy. When I was 9, I got diagnosed with 'PDD' (Pervasive developmental disorder) by my psychiatrist. Then a few years later at age 15, I got diagnosed with Asperger's instead. And at 20 I got diagnosed with ADHD alongside Asperger's.

I feel like the latest diagnosis (Asperger's & ADHD) is the most accurate. Having read articles and watched videos about both disorders I surely suffer from both.

I am managing it fairly well having supportive family members, profs, and classmates.