Sometimes I wish My Autism Were a Terminal Disease

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So it would just end already. Nearly 60 years on this planet and nothing ever changes.

It seems no matter how much I work to put my life in order, and function in my own minimal way, to fly under the NT radar and just exist in peace, sooner or later, usually just when I feel safe in my own space and routines, I step across some Neurotypical Red Line and the bottom drops out.

Suddenly all Hell breaks loose and I've gone from quiet, unassuming schlemiel, to being nailed up on a cross as an example of bad humanity. It never fails. There is no moment of peace that doesn't ultimately explode like the Hindenberg and bring my whole life crashing down around me. I'm a burden and an embarrassment to everyone I depend on (and I don't want to lean on anyone, but I'm too useless to be truly independent). It seems there is only one way I will ever be able to take control of my own dignity, though there's hardly any future in it.

Not asking for help, or advice. It wouldn't matter. Just venting to the room, because I have no one else to vent to.

Since your venting, what the f**k's been going on with you? You do not sound like the same Willard who posted regularly when I started out here in the 2013-2014 period.

Yep...you were assertive about your right as an autistic person then.

You have considerable knowledge of the subject of autism, which you haven't lost. Maybe it's on the "back burner"--but it can return to the "front burner."

I got prison raped. It changes you.

Sorry about what happened.

I am also sorry that happened to you and of course on an intellectual basis understand how that can radically change a person.

I was not one of those older autistics who did tons of research about autism before I got diagnosed. So when I got here I had a lot to learn and you were one of my important teachers. I hope in time you can heal enough to be that person again. I understand that this will be difficult to acheive and will take time as Autistic "negative loop" thinking and therapies geared towerds Neurotypicals will be obstacles. I will give the advice I give so many others here, you have to let your autistic brain process what happened to you the way it needs to and give your autistic brain the time it needs.

Best,
ASPartOfMe

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 29 Jun 2017, 3:20 am, edited 2 times in total.

You don't need to swear.

Erm... perhaps you're thinking of Willard instead of Will@rd? I dunno, I'm a relative newbie here myself.

Will@rd,

Sorry about what happened to you. That's unspeakably awful.

Ditto.

I'm so sorry that happened. I struggle with having suffered violent sexual trauma as well, and try not to let it change me, but the reality is that it affects me far worse than I consciously like to admit.

In a way though, autism is a terminal disease, in that it causes physical stress that can shorten our lifespan, and makes us more prone to living in poor circumstances that are dangerous or neglectful to our health (not to mention making us targets for abuse). I would not be surprised if I die from something that can be traced back to autism as its root cause.

Not sure if that's of any comfort(?!), but I think there is truth to it. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and I hope you can find some measure of healing.

Other conditions, and some peoples' lives in general, can also cause an early grave.

Autism, in and of itself, doesn't reduce lifespan.

Autism presents differently in different people, and for some (but not all) it is linked to severe health problems, such as insomnia, stomach problems, and other stress-related physical symptoms. I don't think it's helpful or accurate to deny this reality, as these are issues faced by many people on this forum.

I'm not trying to deny reality. I've had lifelong digestive problems myself.

And I'm not minimalizing peoples' health problems by saying that lifespan is not reduced because of autism.

There are people here who fear that they will die young because of autism. I don't find that this fear is necessarily justified.

I don't feel like I'm being "unhelpful" at all.

Ah, thanks for the clarification. Though if we take suicide into account, there are plenty of people who do die young, with autism being a major factor in their struggles, so it's something I take seriously.

But you're right, there are some people who struggle with cognitive distortions and have an irrational fear of dying young, without any logical reason why this is likely to happen. In which case it's best to help them acknowledge and overcome that irrational fear, so I agree with you on that point.

I can't say I ever had this thought about Autism, but I have thought it about other chronic conditions I suffer such as fibromyalgia/CFS. It kind of feels like I've been slowly dying for the last several years, but while these conditions can be progressive, they're generally not terminal, so there's really no end in sight. I've survived MRSA twice, and many times I wish I'd just refused the IV antibiotics back then so I wouldn't be dealing with everything I'm dealing with now. Maybe if I didn't have the Autism these other health issues would be easier to deal with.

I'm 33 years old, but a lot of the time I feel so much older than that. It feels like I've lived a long life already. I'm terribly exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually in a way that no amount of sleep will help. I really feel like I'd need to shed my physical form in order to be able to get the rest I need, but I have no choice but to keep carrying on even though all I do most days is just sit around and find ways to pass the time. I have no one that I really feel close to anymore and there's nothing in particular that I really look forward to, so it doesn't feel like there's much point to my life.

Also, really sorry about what happened to you. I can't even imagine how traumatic that must have been.