Feeling guilty about my agitation.

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Tonight I went to brush my teeth and when I opened up the toothpaste, all this (likely dirty)water spilled out of the cap. It really grossed me out and it's the 2nd time this week this has happened. The first time it happened was because my mother knocked it into the sink, so I'm assuming that's what happened again. Thing is, it's my special toothpaste that no one else uses, so she shouldn't be anywhere near it.

I squeezed a bit of toothpaste out and wiped it away with a piece of toilet paper to hopefully make sure that I wasn't putting any toothpaste that had been in contact with the water into my mouth, but I still felt queasy when brushing my teeth. I just really really need this not to happen again. I'm afraid I'm going to have a meltdown if it does.

The problem is that I can't just talk to my mother about being more careful. She had a stroke last August and while she's made a lot of progress since then, she can't always help being clumsy. Unfortunately, while I do understand her limitations, I can't seem to control my own agitation when her clumsiness involves any of my things. In fact, I don't even want her touching my things at all. Because she only has use of one arm, washing up is more difficult and there are times when she definitely doesn't wash up after eating with her hand even if it's something greasy. I've even seen her stick her hand deep into the kitchen garbage can(probably one of the dirtiest places in the house) and then not wash up afterwards. There have been times when we've had pizza and she wanted to tear off a slice for me and I'd have to really emphatically say that no I wanted to do it myself because I don't trust that her hand is clean enough, though I wouldn't say why out loud.

All of these feelings are also making me feel really guilty for not being able to be patient/tolerant of her disability and it's going to be a lot worse if I end up having a meltdown over something my mother does resulting from her disability. It's one of those times that I just feel like my family would be better off if I wasn't here and living in some sort of assisted living facility or something.

Does anyone else have any situations where they feel really guilty about their agitation or meltdowns?

I would be upset about those things too. But my opinion is that you can't help your feelings, and shouldn't feel guilty for them. It's your behavior that is a choice, and that's what ultimately matters. Just do your best to behave in a way that is compassionate and respectful, and don't beat yourself up for struggling with difficult feelings.

You're doing your best to deal with a difficult situation, and need to be kind to yourself.

Thanks for your reply. I definitely do try to be sensitive and respectful when I can, but sometimes I say things without being aware that they might upset/irritate/offend someone until after the fact. Unfortunately for me, behavior isn't always a choice. If I have a meltdown then I have little to no control over my behavior. It's like I'm on autopilot and viewing my actions from outside myself being unable to stop. Sometimes I won't even remember most of the incident afterwards and what I do remember will be very fuzzy like it was a dream.

I did have an idea about why the toothpaste thing was happening. My mother can only use her left arm right now and her toothpaste/toothbrush is on the right side of the shelf above the bathroom sink. I thought having to reach across might be what's causing the issue, so I suggested to her that I move the cup that holds her toothbrush and toothpaste to the left side of the shelf. For some reason she didn't like this idea at all and insisted that I move my toothpaste to the other side of the shelf. This makes no sense to me under the circumstances, but since her speech is very limited, trying to find out why she wants it this way would be impossible. So all I can do is try to remember to put my toothpaste on the other side of the shelf and bring the subject up again if she still knocks it into the sink.

I'm the same way, sometimes saying things that I only realize afterward didn't come out right. And sometimes being stressed to the point that I have no control over my behavior, and cry, pace, shudder, etc. It definitely requires housemates to be understanding of that behavior, and not take it personally - which is difficult in your mother's case.

But still you have to remind yourself that it's not your fault, and that you're doing your best to not allow your problems to affect others - which is all anyone can do. I deal with that guilt as well, feeling like I'm a burden on my family, but I make every effort to be the least burden possible, and that's the closest I can come to making a 'positive contribution'.

At least my mother still has the capacity to understand. As far as we know, her mind is fine despite the fact that she can't speak properly. Unfortunately animals have no understanding of these things and my relationship with my pet has definitely suffered due to my outbursts. It makes me really sad because I could really use his company in the absence of any real friends, and I try to spend a lot of time with him in my room, but he doesn't really let me pet him like he used to, and as soon as we go downstairs he wants to go to someone else. It's like he'll just sit so quietly in my room without really interacting with me that it's easy to forget he's even there. Like I really can't blame him, but it still makes me so sad that I've caused him not to trust me. I know it's not my fault and that I couldn't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that I've probably caused irreversible damage to my relationship with my pet.

As for the burden thing, I'm hoping once I manage to get some outside help I'll be less of a burden than I am now, but it's taking a long time. Honestly my family wasn't really able to meet my needs even before my mother's stroke, but I guess the fact that that happened gave me the push I needed to seek out that extra help.

I hear you about the pet thing. I used to love hamsters, and really felt I could relate to them for being quiet, solitary creatures, but they only live 2 years, and after grieving too many times, I can't bring myself to 'bond' with another one.

I also used to be good with plants, but nowadays I think they feel my stress - it's like I'm a black hole of hopelessness, and make everything around me want to shrivel up and die. I've learned to forgive myself for this as well (I certainly didn't ask to be this way) - but I've had to give up trying to be a caretaker to pets and plants, because I just don't have it in me.

Good job in reaching out for extra help though - I hope you are able to get the support you need!

Yeah, I might have to accept the reality that after this one dies, I won't really be able to adopt anymore pets unless I can get certain issues resolved. Though, parrots live a long time, and if he stays healthy, I could be stuck with him until I'm in my 60s. I'm trying to be patient and have hope that maybe I can heal my relationship with him in time, but in the meantime I'm still left without any affection in my life and it's very painful.