patronizing or supportive?

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Having some trouble figuring out whether or not my bf was being supportive or patronizing tonight. I went over to his house and his mother had her bf over-first time ever meeting him, and I'm normally not that comfortable around his family to begin with being as when I'm there, I'm not in my comfort zone.

After a while, I started yawning-I was only there for about 2 hours, trying to listen to people, trying to chit chat, trying to figure out what people were meaning, and forcing myself to focus-I finally tired out and started spacing out.

When my bf saw this, he came up to tell me he thought I did really well tonight, that I did *much* better than usual, and that he thinks I could do just fine with the right kinds of therapy... but he kept on repeating how great I did, and how proud he was of me, lol.

After a while I felt like a little kid, or like he should be giving me a treat and patting me on the head. Was I just taking it in the wrong context?

I know it's hard to say since you didn't actually hear it, but he repeated how well I did for at least 10 minutes nonstop, and he was rubbing my shoulders and patting me on the back.

Not telepathic
unless I’m watching television
sounds like he was quite supportive in my opinion
it’s hard when you reel from those who’re empathetic
'cause the prior situation has made your "ESP" pathetic
I assume we find it easier to understand when it’s sympathetic
‘cause they’re hurting within their synaptic

thank you daniel I see after writing it out that he was probably supportive, but it is very hard to differentiate if he tells me more than once or twice

btw, I always like your responses they're very interesting and creative in the wording

I think he was being nice but annoying.
I love your avatar btw

lol, thanks-yeah, I might have to explain that more than 2 times is too much for me

did you let him know that you appreciated his 'patting', that you received it? if he didn't see any feedback, he might had been trying to get one, to be sure you understand how good you were...

well, yeah, but I always do an "ummm... thanks"-saying thank you for some reason feels odd to me, especially if I know I did alright But he's used to that-I didn't say it until after a while of it, and come to think of it, shortly after he did stop, lol. I do appreciate it, but I often get the 2 mixed up-and sometimes I appreciate it less of course, if I'm taking it the opposite way that he is meaning it

That is what I think too. And your avatar makes me smile

Sounds to me like he was trying to be supportive and waiting to get feedback on if he was successful and was determined to continue until he got that feedback.
An "I appreciate that" after the first couple of times probably would have ended it.
I get the same confusion between supportive and patronizing if things are repeated several times. I figure if they were being supportive once or twice would ensure that I had heard it and taken it in. Any more than that and I tend to think they are trying to rub it in. Unfortunately NTs usually are awaiting the confirmation of receipt signals.

yeah, I'll have to try to remind myself of that in those situations, and say something good. "ummm... thanks" doesn't quite cut it, lol

I completely stress out and zonk out at all my boyfriend's family gatherings...My boyfriend doesn't mind, he zonks out too...it is just a little easier on him because it is his family...

It seems nice that he seemed to empathise with what you were going through at least.

This is kind of difficult for me to put into words but I am going to try.

I like to receive brief positive feedback....once.

To know that my effort is appriciated.In general,I am uncomfortable with praise because I always forget how to respond(simple thany you,I have been told,is appropriate,but I always make it more complicated then that.)

I think one reason I can begin to resent some positive feed back is it implies two things.1)You are doing well Now,but you were compleate crap until now.2)I knew you could do(whatever)and that means you really werent trying hard enoough before now and in the future I will expect you to continue to do this well or blame you for slacking.

I love to hear compliments about my work or my art/poetry, but when it comes to socializing,job interviews,etc.......These are things I often feel my parents have given "positive" feedback with some undertones of the above 2 points.It is very difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced it.....but AS traits can be very "uneven" in how they effect us from day to day.I think this is hard for people without AS to "get".They project their own "bad days" as being from lack of effort,laziness,hostility or passive agressive.....not sensory over-load, anxiety,depression,lack of sleep,social anxiety(though,they can be effected by these things to a degree as well).

yeah, I get that impression to an extent as well-it is very hard to put into words, lol, so I didn't try too hard.

For him, seeing me having a "good" day, is seeing there is hope for me to get "better", and the 2 often coincide. "See, I know you can do it if you get into the right therapy. You did great!" To me, trying to figure out why that bothers me... it kind of comes across as "see, you CAN be capable of what I want you to be!"

But it's more than that... for some reason it just really gets to me, and hearing that particular phrase is confusing to me. Does he want me to be a different way? Does he accept me the way I am? Does he realize it might not EVER get any better than this one good day?

I do appreciate him saying it, I appreciate that he's making his point to tell me, I appreciate that he's trying to be so supportive... I do appreciate it all, but when you are having those underlying thoughts going on behind what someone is saying, it's very hard to distinguish the context.

I think he really did mean he thought I did well, and wasn't meaning the other part as anything besides hopeful for me, not hisself, but it's hard to pick that apart when I'm perfectly fine with the way I am most of the time, lol.

He seems to think that because it sounds so confusing and disturbing to him for someone to have to deal with all of it, that it is for me as well. The difference is I experience it every day and have become used to being like this (I still look for the "why"s to things though ), and he feels bad about me having to go through it. So him saying "see, you CAN do it with the right therapy", is him just trying to be supportive and tell me there is hope... but he doesn't realize I'm really not miserable because I've lived this way all of my life.

sounds like he was being patronising without meaning to - he may have meant to be supportive and not patronising but just not done it tactfully. It's hard to tell without having been there.

Sounds like classic NT "lack of empathy" ,acting supportive while actually being patronizing.BUT that isn't necessarily a bad thing,because he's learning how to work with you.Personally I relate to what krex said above,but I wouldn't make too much of this incident.He made an effort,which is more than some people do,so you might both learn how to communicate about these things.Just make sure he understands what you need from him.

We had a bit of a confusion mess earlier, and I talked to him-he said it's very hard to remember to do these things when talking to me... lol, we figured I'm used to being confused, and it's new for me to be trying to explain and understand things, and it's new and confusing for him to be trying to respond differently to things We'll get this stuff straightened out. Thank you very much all