I Can Be Diplomatic, If You'd Just Fight Slower.

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My band recently broke up, after a long and confusing argument. A typically British argument, too, in that people's real positions didn't emerge until quite late on. The thing is, I was the only one trying to cool things down and find a compromise. When I have to be diplomatic one, that's really not a good thing.

I was able to get the combatants to understand each other's points of view, but it took me so long that things had already escalated beyond breaking point. Despite being mildly autistic, I'm someone who's always worked very, very hard to understand people and get along. In the absence of good social instincts and body language, I mainly do this by reading a lot about people and the world, and applying brute-force logic to figure out what someone /might/ be thinking and feeling.

After three decades, and at the cost of hideous social anxiety, I've actually got halfway-competent at this. A couple of times, friends have thanked me for giving advice that helped them calm someone else down. But I'm only diplomatic if I've got plenty of time to think about a situation. Put me on the spot, and I freeze up or make things worse. And in the case of the band break-up, I was already so stressed by other things, I couldn't even handle a row that was unfolding via email, phone and text.

It is frustrating to see hard-won "intermediate-level" social skills like this breaking down exactly when they're most needed. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? Should I respond by trying even harder, or just know my limits?