A letter to an NT maybe-friend

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Is this something I can give someone? Sometimes I write stuff just to gather my thoughts.


XXX,
Spoiler alert: contains gratuitous awkwardness. Here goes ... I like you a lot (in a filial way). You are kind and forgiving. I respect your moral values. You acknowledge that you're not perfect and work hard at being a good person. You treat me me kindly and with understanding - just like I see you treat everyone. I find that, and the level of patience you have with other people, inspiring. You are awesome with your kids. You clearly love them a lot. For me, how someone treats their kids says more about them than almost anything else. You encourage me with my problems, even though you have your own, and give me your time even when you have none.

I mostly keep to myself. I'm historically bad at the friendship thing. I can be really naive. I think people are my friends and they end up walking away from me, with no explanation, or, worse, walking over me. It's most likely it's because I inevitably end up saying or doing something that offends. Or I just try too hard and it comes off awkward. I always mean well but things don't always come out well. I don't really care for having a social life anyway but every once in awhile someone comes into my life and I find myself caring what they think of me. I find myself wanting a friend.

What you think of me matters to me and I would like to call you my friend. You bring something good into my life and I want to give something good back. That causes me a lot of anxiety because I don't want to mess up. I'm often anxious after we have any conversation that's meaningful or when I spend any time around you because I worry about what mistakes I might have made and if you are going to write me off ... because that's what usually happens. Sometimes I worry until the next the next time we talk or I see you and you seem normal towards me. Then I feel a little better. But not entirely because I'm not always good at picking up when things aren't normal.

I've always thought what people do matters more than what they say anyway, so I try to demonstrate the value I place on your presence in my life with actions. Things that are simple and direct. Like dropping food on your doorstep. Or helping with rides when I can. Hmmm... a bit like how XXX is always leaving little things on my doorstep to show me he likes me. This only emphasizes my lack of social skills. They are about as sophisticated as a child's. I'm aware I sometimes overdo things. Like I wanted to buy you and XXX a shirt I saw the other day that said "I Googled all my symptoms and it turns out I just needed to ride my horse". But then I thought I should get XXX one too. And then I sort of also wanted one. I almost bought them on impulse. But I've learned to set things aside and think about them again (and again and again, sometimes) later. When I went back to it I thought maybe it might not go over the way I intended it to. I couldn't figure out a combination of people I could buy the shirt for that didn't have some problem so I didn't buy any.

I guess I'm just trying to tell you, you are someone I would be honored to call a friend and I hope you can see what's in my heart when I inevitably end up doing or saying something stupid. I also want to tell you sometimes I just don't get stuff and you really need to be blunt with me and it won't hurt my feelings. Well, OK, it probably will but that's OK. I'll get over it and be better for it in the end. Better that than losing a friend.

XXX

Jaysus, this made me well up!

It's perfect. Seriously. If I received something like this, I don't think I'd be able to communicate the honour of it.

I know honour is an old fashioned word but in some things, I'm near prehistoric where being old fashioned is concerned and honour falls into that cat

Hit send. It's beautiful.



eta some sense into my post.

Thank you. So not too direct or not too weird? I often use letters to communicate because it gives me time to apply filters and to run my thoughts past neurotypicals and get their feedback. Communicating is such a labor-intensive process though. This took me several hours over two days to write.

no thanks needed, honestly. it was a pleasure to read. that you took time and trouble over it, shows. it communicates your feelings beautifully.

if your friend is as you describe, then she is going to be as touched as i have been, more so infact and, no, it's not too direct...and very far from weird! i firmly believe she will receive it in the spirit with which it will be sent.

i'm plain spoken so if i thought something was "off" i would tell you straight away...sincerely, it's perfect.

btw, does she know you are on the spectrum? i couldn't establish that from your letter.

Ironically she is the one that first suggested it to me. She has a 12 year old son with Asperger's who has attached himself to me.They live in my neighborhood and I met her through him. She told me when she listens to me talk and the way I think it's exactly like her son. Maybe that's why her son and I get along so well. That and maybe the one time she was talking to me about something I found stressful and I listened from her kitchen floor with my knees tucked to my chest rocking slightly. She said it was just like talking to her son. Which was pretty embarrassing since I'm 43. My IQ is in the 98th percentile so that and time have allowed me to adapt by applying logic instead of intuition to some things. But there are still plenty of things that does not help.

What did you mean you could not establish that I was on the spectrum from my letter, out of curiosity? That I seek friendship?

Thank you for your feedback.

lol...how strange indeed, fortuitous and just "right"...(that she was the one to suggest it)...this would mean that there will be "context" to your letter. this was the reason for my question on whether she knew, not anything to do with your wanting friendship.

your letter just reads (to me) as something one friend is sending to another, albeit that it is highlighting some struggles that you have and are trying to explain, so that you are not misunderstood going forward.

there have been times when i have made similar mistakes. misread a situation. so i just wondered whether your friend-to-be knew. that's all.

you must update when you have time so we can hear how it went. i'm pretty optimistic given your letter but, it's always nice to "know"

I gave it to her. She thanked me for the kind words and said they were "encouraging on a bad day ... month". Shes sending her son out of state to live with his dad at the end of the summer because of issues resulting from his Asperger's and it's killing her. He's not getting the support he needs in the schools here and with four other kids its hard for her to for her to give them all the attention they need so shes doing what she thinks is best for him. He's the first person I've met I can let down all my guards with and just be myself. With everyone else I always have to have my "normal" filters on and it's exhausting. We are "weird" together and it doesn't matter. I think I need to go find some other Aspie friends.

She also said "I always understand where you are coming from. you don't have to go home wondering. don't worry, I 'get' you." Maybe I can relax a bit around her too. It was very comforting. Maybe I will buy those t-shirts after all.

it must have been a tough decision for her. the main thing is tho, you are with someone that "understands"...

ostensibly as a going away pressie, buy those t-shirts. i would have hesitated to suggest a gift this early on in the friendship but, because you are close to her son it would not be seen as "too much too soon" given he is going to be leaving eventually.

I'm going to. Thank you