Eye Contact Specifics

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Hi, I have just diagnosed myself with aspergers following finding out it runs in the family, a recommendation by a social worker that I explore more, a bunch of tests, online research, plus experimentation with following my natural inclinations. I am ticking all the boxes (hence the self-diagnosis), but one things still bothers me a lot, and I feel I cannot fully accept myself as aspergers until I get some answers to this. My eye contact problems began as too mild to pick up on in childhood. I didn't make contact as much as my peers, and yet I sometimes stared, but it wasn't an issue as far as I'm aware. I was seen as pretty unique, intelligent etc. My eye contact issues got more severe as my environment got more complex, and with puberty. But still I was just seen as sometimes ashamed (little eye contact) and sometimes confrontational (too much contact). And sometimes I must have either faked very well unconciously or had some natural ability. I do feel I have some natural eye contact ability. Or else what I've been doing all along is not real eyecontact or abnormal!! But these days I rarely enjoy eye contact. I usually have to make a conscious effort to make sufficient contact. It tends to drain me, sting me, or make me feel uncomfortable. I only like it when I'm giving a psychic reading (cos I'm intentionally giving my energy away) or occasional eye contact with those whom I have very close bonds with (a bit more with my love interest). So my eye contact traits appear more mild (although they have wreaked havoc on my life by giving men the wrong signals!). They were mild enough that they weren't picked up or stated in childhood, and the odd comments only began in adolescence, and it's only properly come to my attention in adulthood. Does this mean I qualify more for a diagnosis of NOS? That would be really silly cos I fit Aspergers in every other way. Any opinions and/or similar experiences?


have gotten more severe as my environment has gotten more complex, and with

Eye contact isn't a make-or-breaker IMO. So many of us have learned to do it when we need to, it's hard to tell how much comes naturally.

Thanks Redxx. I just don't seem to exhibit the eye contact trait to the same noticeble degree as others. As you say, I just can't tell how much comes naturally. I know I have found it useful in forming relationships, but my eye contact still deviates from the norm in some ways, and I definitely prefer not to use it in most situations. I'm a pretty good pretender though. I also do have that thing of 'sometimes getting distressed after having accidentally made eye contact with a stranger.' I strongly had to force myself to make eye contact with my therapist- that did not feel natural at all. I guess it feels natural in some setting and unnatural in others- probably how it's always been.

I feel like I "faked unconsciously". I never really made eye contact with anyone, I just looked at their mouth. I thought about eye contact occasionally, and I just thought it was for business deals. Maybe your eye contact is related to your stress level? I can't even look in the general direction of some people because their eyes are too intense, but some people I can actually fake eye contact with. Remember: you don't need to have every single trait to have autism.

Thanks so much StampySquiddyFan. Your kindness and validation are touching- actually bringing me to tears. I don't feel that I can move on with writing my university papers until I have this solved in my mind, as I said it's the one thing that's preventing me from accepting fully that I am on the spectrum. I agree, not everyone has to have every trait. But I would go with saying that I have a mild version of this trait- probably 'atypical eye contact' rather than avoidant, and have had trouble following the unwritten rules around eye contact. I noticed when I met my aunt who identified as borderline apsergers that she didn't meet my eyes much in conversation. When she did meet them it felt natural and sincere, but she often looked right past me as she was speaking. I really saw myself in her! I'd also agree re the stress levels. My school environment as a child was pretty stressfree and carefree. It was even before the age where kids brought any technology to school. I felt pretty comfortable. But by intermediate my uniqueness was a source of revulsion to other kids, the environment was highly stressful, puberty began with hormones etc. and this is all when I began to feel less comfortable with eye contact (though again, not to a hugely noticeable extent).

Hi again StampySquiddyFan. Oh thank you, this is the first real relief I've gotten since beginning researching this aspect two days ago. I even put off eating dinner and lunch. I am feeling super excited right now. Yes, you're right, the eye contact thing HAS come and gone with stress. As I said, my primary school life wasn't especially stressful (sufficient eye contact)- my home life was but I'm not sure how I did there. The visits with my psychologist were one of the most stressful things in my life, undeniably (bad eye contact), adolescence was bad (less desire to make contact) and right now is incredibly stressful time as well for various reasons (eye contact mostly stings). So when I describe my eye contact as atypical I mean that sometimes it's been normal, sometimes I've made less than usual, sometimes I've made a bit too much, sometimes it's gotten me into pretty bad situations, and sometimes it's uncomfortable and or stings. So I guess all those things count overall as a mild impairment in eye contact. Feel free to share an opinion. I feel a lot more at peace now. And although I am going through the doubt stage, I feel at the same time that I couldn't now turn my back on this self-diagnosis. I could never now go back to thinking I am neurotypical. The evidence is overwhelming. Look at how much I can write simply on the subject of eye contact, and my level of intense self-analysis, for example! Thank you for sharing that you've been through that. Once the initial relief passes, this phase feelings incredibly hard. I'm sure the self-searching will pay off in the end though.

An Hour Later: Oh my gosh, everything makes sense now. I just compared photos of me taken in the last year to photos taken when I was 15 years old on holiday. In the photos from when I was fifteen years old I am only making proper eye contact in 2, maybe 3 out of 19. It is ever so subtle, but in all the rest I am looking away (not so subtle), looking slightly to the left or right, looking slightly up or down, or have my eye lids half shut. I have the impression of looking at the person taking the photo, but if you look closer, I am either not doing so, or I am not allowing them to see my whole eyes. Compared to the photos taken last year where in about half I am making good eye contact. This makes total sense, as when I entered therapy aged 18 I must have had therapists encourage me to look more confident.As I said, I remember it very consciously with one therapist. All thought I had self-esteem issues due to body language etc., but then would be surprised (and probably confused) when I came out with something ultra-assertive. So maybe, going by the pics, my eye contact skills weren't all that flash until I forced myself to perfect them. I'd still say the eye contact one is quite a mild trait for me (excepting the consequences!) compared to others on here, but I make up for that in abundance as far as the motor traits go. I pace in circles, move my hands back and forth, bounce my legs up and down, just about everything on the list... It shows that we all truly are different. And I worried about my individuality disappearing completely when I discovered aspergers! (a legitimate concern tho when you've been so unique all your life).