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wbport
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27 Aug 2017, 8:06 am

Is anyone else always on guard for "wearing out their welcome"? Give others space and limited time with you unless it is something both of you consider important?



IstominFan
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27 Aug 2017, 8:47 am

I am always worried that, when people see the bad part of me, they will say, "I'm through with you," or "You're not like us, we can't like you." I worry about winding up alone when I get old. It has happened to many people I know (all NT as far as I know), so how can I have a chance?



ailuzhin
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27 Aug 2017, 11:12 am

Well, when you first get to know a person, it seems likely that you will meet more, exchange messages more, than is normal for anybody simply because you are both unknown quantities and do your best to fill that hole. At least in my experience.

Maybe this is the time when one is more likely to step over some boundary, outstay a welcome, and so on. I tend to be upfront about it. I generally tell new people 'look, I have no idea how many replies to a text is too many, or when you will get bored of doing this or that activity, so you should just tell me when you want to stop.'

I find there is one of three possible outcomes.

1) The other is clearly disturbed by such frankness and no longer meets/calls/texts you. In which case, screw 'em.
2) They comply with your wishes.
3) They are far too polite to reciprocate your open-ness, in which case I look for a few cues.

When texting (I find this very easy), do their messages suddenly become shorter and/or noncommittal? "Yeah." "No." "Haha, okay." "Sounds good; see you then". I usually take these as a sign (based on experience) that the issue is over, or is settled, or at any rate, the conversation is over for now.

I find in person much more difficult than via texting on the phone, but I think people will usually yawn, or look at their watch, or say 'well....'. Again, in my experience, this usually seems to suggest a wrapping up of things. Alternatively, you can just decide how long something will last for:

How long shall we play video games for?
When is your bus home?

Etc



StampySquiddyFan
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27 Aug 2017, 11:29 am

I always prefer seeing some people only one time so I don't screw everything up by saying or doing something stupid when they get to know me better :D .


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skibum
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27 Aug 2017, 7:01 pm

IstominFan wrote:
I am always worried that, when people see the bad part of me, they will say, "I'm through with you," or "You're not like us, we can't like you." I worry about winding up alone when I get old. It has happened to many people I know (all NT as far as I know), so how can I have a chance?
That happens to me a lot. It is extremely painful and difficult to deal with. Fortunately I have a tiny handful of people who love me as I am and as Aspie as I need to be. But it took a very long time to find them. I am so grateful for them.


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Benjammin0817
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28 Aug 2017, 11:25 am

I know what you mean. I often find being direct about it to be the best thing to do. I tell my friends things like, "if I'm going on and on, feel free to tell me. I won't be insulted."
Or ill periodically ask the person if they want to do or talk about something else. Eventually, I get used to a specific person's signals that they make.

If that makes the person feel uncomfortable, then that person probably wouldn't be able to hold on to the friendship anyways.

As for the "bad part of you". I think you pretty much have to keep that secret until the other person is comfortable enough with you to share personal thoughts and feelings with you.

I think that lots of NTs probably have that same fear, but i think aspies are more aware of the "bad stuff", or at least can't ignore it as well.



kraftiekortie
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28 Aug 2017, 11:39 am

Yep....I "wear out my welcome" even among people whom I'm supposed to be "close" to.