sometimes I hate being autistic

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I was 25 when I first learned about neurodivergence. I'm 31 now. The first thing I ever considered was ADHD.... it seemed to explain a lot.

Half right. I do have ADHD, turns out. (Though it's taken me until this year to actually accept it, because I'm blind to my own attention issues. It's obvious to everyone else but me.)
Had a few people suggest autism, blew that off until last year. Then I began earnestly looking into it, and.... lo and behold. I got diagnosed in June of last year.

Being a late identified and late diagnosed adult, I have been about embracing who I am.... like. No. The essence that is me is not summed up as ADHD or autism, but these conditions have both still shaped every aspect of who I am from birth.

But now.... I am also learning to hate it. Because it's... not easy. I'm beginning to realize these conditions are not just disabling, they are disabling. It affects every aspect of my life in some way, in ways that are hard to combat. And people do not understand. I have been getting into issues at work because of my ADHD and autism, and even though my boss knows about my conditions and even has a degree in psychology and counseling.... she should understand, if anyone who is neurotypical would. Right? Nope. .....she says I'm being lazy and childish.

No one gets it. The world isn't made for me, and it's becoming very apparent.

well, I bet a lot of us here will agree with you and have similar feelings at least part of the time. My autism is a disability every day. I am learning to live with it and make ajustments to my every day life to make things easier on myself and have stopped trying to force myself to "live up to somebody else's expectations" . I no longer force myself to do things that make me upset, sick, stressed out and anxious, etc because somebody wants me to (no concerts for me, no movies, no shopping malls for example, things I used to try to do that wore me out in many ways). I have learned to substitute other activities instead. I did not learn about my autism until I was 65 (suspected it) and did not get diagnosed until I was 68. It has been a relief to know everything was not after all "all my fault" and some sort of moral failings, but that I do have neurological/sensory processing struggles that most others don't have. It is like trying to swim up stream with both hands tied behind your back to do many of the things that others do with ease. I am spending more time trying to find "work arounds" in the way I have done things to figure out ways that make my particular struggles less difficult or ways to eliminate those struggles in that "thing" completely by doing "something else". I really wonder if I had got diagnosis as a child, young adult, or even middle aged adult whether things would have been different for me. No answer. I am very relieved to understand that autism has been the answer to most of the painful "why" questions of my life from early childhood right up until diagnosis. It has been a relief. don't give up, there are a hundred different ways to address most of our struggles, we just need to keep on trying til we find what works for our own brand of autism. You are definitely not alone!

I hate it a lot of the time. It makes me feel like a freak, as everyone thinks I'm a weirdo or worse, thankfully the worst doesn't happen too often anymore. I keep second guessing myself, as I've been accused of lying, being sneaky or shady. Saying the wrong thing and being snapped at. Not being able to relate to a lot of people, either being ignorant in a situation or too smart for my owned damned good.

It always seems like I am "the bad guy", like if I defend myself, I'm the one who is " Overreacting" . Then I get the whole " You need to change" , why do I always get told I have to change, why doesn't the other person curb their rudeness or s--ty behavior? &^%$ that!

Ok.. rant over for now

I'm past hating it or loving it.
The same way I'm past being ashamed or being proud of it.


Probably because I wasn't a late diagnosed out of adult aged masking, confused and wondering, spent too long of a time ashamed and self loathing over one's own difference from peers.

Probably because at a very young age, I already have issues with humanity before being autistic, let alone in any implications of being a neurodivergent person.

Probably because I have a massively different approach and priorities compared to most autistics apparently, that the disability factor do not mattered.


Autism, so far, only had hurt my ego.
It's the only possible why I'd ever hate autism for anything because I'm a prideful person.

And the ego influences with the things I want to do or to have and not want to do or have.

Yet autism itself never gave me a limiting belief, nor a deceptive optimistic false hope that I am "should and just like everyone".

Only the ego would urge one belief or another. Thus it's just my ego, dancing around the matters of autism.

... And for the longest time, I want to stop wanting due to certain aspects of me that autism cannot explain.

Most of which are things that did not happened to me in childhood. The flaws of the human mind.

And I really finally did as I reached adulthood, outgrowing the programs inside me.
And I'll progress in other more things to come. While I start overcoming these things, the easier everything is.


Yet it doesn't mean I do not keep my pride. I know where to shift it appropriately.
Yet it doesn't also mean I do not let it go and enjoy life, consequences be damned, self image be damned.

Survival itself is, in fact, the easiest aspects of all of this.
It's the idea the head brought of how one is or 'should' be living that's making it complicated.

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I don't love or hate being autistic. I just see and accept it as a pat of who I am.