Death and Grieving

Post Reply New Topic

I can not relate to how people grieve when a loved one dies. I recently lost my cat who was my soul mate for 20 years and I was sad when she passed, but understand that it was her time to go and was at peace with her death. I just don't understand when someone loses a loved one who is elderly or terminal and grieve as if it were a surprise. I end up feeling isolated by not understanding their grief. I was told that it is inconsiderate to respond with "I can not imagine what if feels like" (which is truthful) and I should instead say, "I can only imagine (which I can not). However, I do understand one's grief when there is a sudden loss from an accident or quick death of a recently diagnosed illness from a healthy individual.

Is this a common experience for others with ASD and are there any recommendations on articles that will help me to understand why this is?

Yes, this all sounds familiar. I see death as a part of life.

However, if either of my cats were to die before their time, I would be utterly inconsolable. I would hurt more than anyone has hurt before.

Personally I can't see what would be offensive about that first statement as a response to someone grieving, seemed reasonable.
I relate to your own perception of grieving quite well, I feel. Some years ago I experienced my first major loss and went through the grieving process, such as it was. Although I miss her dearly, my grandmother lived long and well. Despite the fact she had breathing problems she was very active right up until the end.
I was upset for weeks in a blank sort of way. I didn't cry about it for months until (in my infinite wisdom) I drank an entire bottle of wine and suddenly thought about her: it was as though all of that stereotypical screaming, crying and raging against the inevitable fact of death was always there... just hidden behind a screen, where most days all one can see is a dilute shadow of it.
What I found more of a stressful situation was being in the vicinity of others processing their own grief. At my grandmother's funeral, I saw many flavours of it. My granddad was the worst affected, of course - he walked as though a physical weight pressed down upon his shoulders - I'll never forget it. On the other hand, my dad, (who I strongly suspect might have a personality disorder) was almost unchanged throughout the following weeks, to today. On the day she died, once he and my mum came back from my grandparents, he seemed calm, almost happy. Went back to his gardening. I don't think I'll ever forget that, either.
Ultimately, grief for any individual seems to be such a unique collection of thoughts and feelings. It feels like any attempt to really understand the process in others is almost impossible.

On Facebook I am often puzzled when there's news of someone elderly (like in their 80s or 90s), who passes away and the response from people is like that of shock and they say how tragic it is. My thoughts are of the person who died having a nice long life and they could have been glad to go, even.

I was doing ok for the last week until I read this thread and now I'm a blubbering mess again. I can't handle death. It's because I will never see that person again and be able to talk to them. I need a tissue. It's forever. You can't just call them up anymore or go up to the house to ask advice. You're here on this earth alone. It doesn't matter if they were old. Holidays are never the same. There may be some things you still want to say but it's too late. Thinking there is heaven is a little comfort but how do you know they will be there? Especially if they weren't religious. I worry about death everyday. It's inevitable. I worry about being alone. Sometimes I wish I could go first so I don't have to be left behind and have to grieve and miss the person. I can't handle death.

I understand that, and grief sometimes doesn't change much, but we do as time goes on. You learn to live with it more gently, but that can sometimes take a long time to achieve. I hope it will not take so long for you.

alexlyb,

I, too had a 20 year cat who was my soulmate cat. Her name was Samantha and she was a Siamese. I felt sad, of course, when she passed, but I also remember all of the good times. I had three boy cats, Peter, Paul and Prince, to help me make the transition. It really tore my heart out when the first of the brothers, Prince, passed away. He was only twelve, which I consider young for an entirely indoor cat and especially for a Siamese.

Deaths of humans & non-humans that I knew well hit me hard and stick. I hate that society has determined that the value of life depreciates with age. Just because someone was older, that shouldn't trivialize their loss.

OP, I would prefer to hear someone tell me "I can not imagine what it feels like", than to suggest they're trying to meet me half-way by pretending they can. I would appreciate your response more even though we apparently feel these things differently.

For me in most cases of death I am of the mindset that " what did you expect" I see it as natural course of things. Before I knew I was autistic I had been to numerous funerals where everyone was blubbering and I would sit there and think to myself what is wrong with these people. There are times when I think for most people it becomes a conditioned response. I for one don't feel that way. Sometimes I also think that some peoples excessive blubbering is making it more about them and their loss, than the poor soul that actually lost his or her life.

I went to a funeral of my ex-neighbour last week. I used to help her hang up clothes. She died of old age. She had suffered so much all those months. Yes, I liked her a lot and miss her a bit now. I did not cry at her funeral while others cried. I stood respectfully but quietly in a corner.
It's best to say nothing when someone expresses their grief. I politely acknowledge their feelings and listen to them. They don't need to know how I feel.
If death is expected, I don't normally feel much. I definitely grieve if there is a sudden death of my loved one or my friends.