Questioning of Diagnosis

Post Reply New Topic

Hi everyone, hoping I can put something down in writing to see if it makes more sense.

I am 37 and was diagnosed 2 years ago as being high functioning autistic. I am married with 2 kids.

I have always felt different, struggled to maintain friendships, build friendships, relationships at work among other things, just like so many people here.

I have often felt a bit of a fraud, wondering am I really autistic. There are days I think "hey I can do this, I've felt pretty normal around other people" and then there are other days where I think "yup, the diagnosis was spot on".

One such example was my daughter's birthday party, where my wife and I were there along with maybe 6 other parents, where the kids were in soft play and we were sat with coffees watching and obviously chatting. I managed to have a few decent conversations with a couple of the parents, making jokes etc. We then had some party food. The jokes/sarcasm are my kind of defence mechanism which I find easier than actual full normal conversation.

When we got home I then crashed and had to go and lie down for maybe an hour or so, to stop the racing heart rate and sheer exhaustion. Exhaustion from what was seemingly a nice couple of hours watching kids play and having pleasant chats with other parents.

Tonight my wife and I were having a very frank discussion about how things are going and she said she saw me yesterday and just couldn't understand how I could look like I was having fun, joking and seemingly really relaxed and still be autistic. Then she sees me crash at home and sees how it affects me. I have tried to explain that I am able to do many of these "normal" things, but underneath the front, they are exhausting, stressful and I can only do them for so long.

I know you don't know my history and Ive only given a brief bit of information, but can autistic people manage to do what I did? Can they have good days and bad days?

I don't want to analyse every outing I go on but I also don't want others to do so as well.

Thanks.

Autism can come in waves. Mine does.

Well, that's my life you're describing there. When you can keep going until suddenly you can't.

The way I see it, there is a delay in everything. Very little in my emotional life happens in real time. Which helps if I have to hold a presentation to a room full of people, because I only get nervous afterwards.

Also, I'm relaxed and happy around the friends I've known for years and are just as weird as me, but things like kids' birthday parties are the worst. I know of few things on this planet that freak me out as much as Other Kids' Parents.

In a nutshell, Yes. Like you, I am late dx'ed with a wife and two children (both children on the spectrum as well). In a social setting with my friends you would be hard pressed to tell I have Asperger's. My biggest problem while around them is not having any filters and rigidity but after 20 years they know that is how I am. Put me in small talk situations with strangers and I can survive, act interested, and add something to the conversation. BUT that is about it. I spend a lot of time thinking of things to say when I know those kinds of situations are coming up. I rehearse a dialog if you will.

I get to a point where I am done, and that's it. I'm out. The mental fatigue gets to be too much and I clam up.

I understand your questioning of the diagnosis. I was the same way. Physically I don't present in any way. (unless I am melting down of computer issues ) My psychologist put it to me this way: Being on the spectrum is like a high school. You all belong there and that is "your tribe". Then it comes time to see where you fit into that tribe when it is time for lunch. You look around the cafeteria, and you identify with some more than others, and it is about finding out who you are gong to sit down with and find "your place" I even asked her a month after my evaluation if the was ANYTHING that would give her pause, and she said "nope"

One thing that I did was read a lot of books and watch a lot of video blogs by other aspies. This is what solidified it for me and allowed me to accept it because I saw total strangers talk about their same struggles and talk about how they see the world on a wide range of topics, and I knew that I had finally found my people. If you set out to do this, it will also be helpful to share this kind of stuff with your wife so that she can better understand how you experience things and to what extent.

All the best man. And remember, your diagnosis is not your prognosis. Shark

Thanks for all the replies everyone, much appreciated

It is reassuring to see that you all go through similar situations.

I've heard quite a few people mention video blogs so maybe I should check some out. Any recommendations?

Cheers.