Advice on overcoming certain difficulties and obstacles

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Hey guys I just joined here and would like to seek some advice and support on how most of you overcome certain obstacles that you encounter with your everyday difficultly of autism. Recently I`m finding life very difficult to cope with. I`m currently studying an IT Level 3 computing course at my local college that I attend 3 days a week. I walk there and back which takes around 15 - 20 minutes. I`ve been attending this college for the last 6 years now only because of a number of reasons in not having the courage and confidence to be able to have the chance in getting a job as well as feeling limited and weak all the time because I find it so difficult to strike up a single conversation guys as well as having trouble being able to process small and simple instructions. I feel like autism holds me back so much and stopping me in doing the best I can in my ability to do well and get something out of life that I want to achieve. I don`t feel like I`ll ever be able to get a job simply because It takes me three times the amount of time to be able to process something that`s so simple and the fact that it takes me so long to catch on makes feel so thick and just useless.

The course I`m studying currently can feel very overwhelming at times. I feel like most teachers these days don`t understand the difficulty of how hard it can be for someone who suffers from autism to be able to work and get on with the tasks and assignments that they have provided. For the last few weeks since the course started guys I`ve not been feeling myself and that every time I come home I don`t really feel happy nor do I feel like engaging or communicating with anyone because I just can`t find the courage to be able to open up to anyone weather it`s teachers , classmates or my family about how I really feel deep down.

The truth is guys even though I may look happy at college deep down I`m not , I just have to pretend to smile and look happy and bury those negative thoughts and feelings deep down so that they don`t overtake me. I think though there`s so many things impacting me right now that I just feel useless and I feel like I give teachers and people the impression that I come off as too simplistic and basic because I struggle to find the words I want to communicate with and even when I can`t find the correct words guys I`ll end up saying them in the wrong order or using a completely different set of words that have no relevance to the topic the person was speaking to me about in the first place.

It`s not just the course and college guys but I feel so pathetic at times and feel a shamed that I can hardly communicate and interact with the people around me. I`ve struggled all my life to fit in and sometimes I just feel outplaced and end up distancing myself because I don`t know how to interact with people at times. When class mates ask me things and talk about things in general I can never give a good answer in return or even maintain the focus on keeping the flow of a conversation going with them. I feel like my mind is weak and that it`s dying as I get older. I don`t feel like the same guy that came into this college 6 years ago anymore and to be honest guys I`m not so sure how much more longer I can hold out. Sometimes I feel like just getting up and leaving because it will free me from the amount of pressure and stress I am under but I know it`s not the right move to make because I would have wasted a full year for nothing and I`m not sure I want that kind of guilt on my mind.

I`ve managed to get myself through the first year of the IT Level 3 computing course since it`s a two year course but I just fear that I`ll end up becoming a failure and not succeeding by the time the year is out. I do try my best to understand things but I feel either rushed or just it`s just not clicking with me at all guys. No matter how hard I try I just don`t seem ti get anywhere. Even when I try explaining something to someone from my own perspective or I`m being asked something I always feel pressured and anxious deep down in my heart because I feel am being tested and put on the spot. Sometimes I just wish I didn`t feel like dumb and useless and that I wish I could explain things the way I want to so that people can see the point I`m trying to make.

Everything in general just seems to be getting me down in life guys and I just feel that nothing is working out for me the way I thought it would. I barely have that many friends around me and most of them I`ve ever lost contact with or there too busy and have other things going on in there life. At times I feel neglected and left out and then I end up breaking down guys. I feel so lonely most of the time as I`m not really much of an outgoing person apart from meeting up with my school friend once per week to go to the cinema that plus college. I`m starting to reevaluate my life and to find what the best solutions are in trying to overcome these everyday obstacles because honestly guys it`s killing me inside. Sometimes I think is life actually worth living sometimes. I find life so unfair because I feel so limited in what I can do in life and that everyone in my class is way better have the advantage. They can easily understand things and can always talk to people and me I just feel like useless all the time. I pretend I`m alright because there`s no one else out there that truly understands the pain I`m in.

Sorry for my massive rant guys, I just feel like getting these things out there in the open. I would appreciate some advice and support on how you guys all manage to overcome these obstacles from your all personal experiences when you encounter them or when your feeling down or just not yourself. I appreciate any helpful advice and support.

"They" have difficulties also but it often is with different things then we have.

If you can be seated in a quieter and darker area of the classroom that might help.

Otherwise, try to find some time to pursue your interests and rest even if it is a few minutes here and there.

Most definitely life is unfair in a whole host of ways.

This reads like depression way more than autism. Maybe, the autism difficulties has caused depression. This is what needs to be addressed & solved. Nothing can help autism until the depression is fixed.

When I first realized I was on the spectrum, I was in Grad School and it was during a multi-month period which people term as autistic regression. Talking to someone for even 15 minutes took about all the energy I had. I ended up leaving grad school. That was about a year and a half ago. Although Im still not up to the functioning levels I was at 2 years ago, I have learned that when it comes to autism you have to accept who you are and who you aren't and be ok with it. People on the spectrum have some amazing abilities. Find somewhere you can apply these strengths and that you can meet your sensory needs. I love to work with livestock and fix things, so I am currently working on a bison ranch where I am responsible for 32,000 acres and almost 700 bison. Have I had to learn to work through some executive functioning issues absolutely but my nearest neighbor is over 20 minutes away and my boss lives about 2 hours away so I decide what I do in a day which is great for adapting to some sensory needs, need for routine, and ability to change my schedule when I feel like I'm flirting with a meltdown/shutdown. Find somewhere you can pursue your passion! Regarding small talk. I am still not good at it but I have found that I love to learn so when I'm talking to people I look at it as a learning opportunity and ask lots of questions and often time I find something I have a real passion for (e.g. Tractors). Keep to it you are awesome!! !