They did not think she belonged in honors class

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Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn’t it have happened to someone else? Everyone asks these questions at least once in life. I think most of us ask these questions more than once, perhaps 10 or even 20 times or more. I know I have. Because I am autistic. I’m not like the Rain Man or Temple Grandin. I’m only Brianna Stephans, and that is all.

When I was young and my mother would tell other adults that I had autism, I didn’t know what that meant and didn’t care what that was. As I grew older, I realized that people saw autism as a bad thing. This made me want to get rid of it, but of course I couldn’t because there are no cures for this disability. The only treatments are psychotherapy and some experimental medical treatments here and there. I never told the people at my school that I was autistic out of fear that they might alienate me.

In my school district, people with autism are treated as slow learners, and they are never in honors programs. But people with autism are like snowflakes; no two are alike. One might lack charisma but get straight A’s while another might be the exact opposite. I am only one snowflake, and I generally do well academically. I realized that it wasn’t my fault if people didn’t like me for being autistic.

In eighth grade, my academics suffered. I was staying up too late because of the workload. My mom asked my teachers to cut back on my workload, which I didn’t like at all. I thought that if they did this, it would make me look like I was slow and lazy. I wanted to take honors classes in high school, and I chose honors English and honors biology for my high school courses for the next year.

always liked biology because I want to be a zoologist when I grow up. I wanted honors English because I found this subject easy for me. So I went home that day with the joyous feeling that I would finally get to take the classes that I wanted. When I asked my mom about this, she said, “No, you’re not taking those courses!” I was stunned. I thought, why not? Why couldn’t I take honors classes? I had worked hard to get good grades, and I thought I had already gotten my autism under control over the years.

I was certain that everyone — my mom, my teachers and my guidance counselor — didn’t want me in honors classes because I was autistic. One teacher wanted me to be in a special education English class. Most students with autism were in special education classes, and I felt that's all that people ever saw, the stereotypical “autistic” who couldn’t handle the slightest bit of work. The teacher’s comment made me very angry because I had a 94 percent grade in her class.

When I told my parents about this, they were angry about the teacher’s comments even though they had the same ideology as she did. I stubbornly said that I still wanted to take honors classes. My friends didn’t really know what to say about it and some actually agreed with the idea that I shouldn’t take honors. For the first time in my life, I felt totally lost, totally alone. I felt that I couldn’t go to my parents, teachers or friends to talk about it.

Nobody believed that I could handle any honors course — except one person, my teacher from second grade, Mrs. B. She was at my high school’s freshman orientation, and I asked her whether I could take honors classes. Mrs. B. said, “If you believe that you can do it and if you work hard enough to get good grades, then you really can do it.” This was good to me because she showed that she didn’t care about the past, only about what I was like at that moment. I could do it.

However, because I thought that most people didn’t support me, I developed depression that got worse and worse. I thought that if no one believed that I could take honors courses because of my autism, perhaps this world wasn’t really worth living in. The only person who knew about this was my therapist, Ms. P.

I still wanted to be in honors, even though it was past the deadline for scheduling those courses. But it eventually worked out.

I learned a lot from this entire experience. Aside from the fact that I’m very fickle, I learned that I was not alone, that there is always going to be at least one person who’s on my side. Don’t bottle up your feelings, just talk to someone about them. Most likely, people are not going to be mad at you about your problems. If you have an opportunity to do something, take it. Last but not least, no matter who you are, if you believe that you can do something, well then, it’s a pretty high chance that you can.

I’ll admit that I did not do so well on the first test in honors biology, but by the end of the first quarter, I managed to get a 91 percent in this class. By the end of the year, my overall grade was an 87 percent. It was no 95 percent, but, hey, it was still a pretty high B. I also proved that I could handle a few honors classes here and there. I’m still taking them, in fact three at the moment, and next year I will take two honors classes and one Advanced Placement course. Now, every time I start having doubts or think that I’m not so smart, I remember this and think to myself: This is me. I can make it.

I’m autistic, but I matter.