New to all of this, not functioning, don't know what to do

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Hi,
Thank you to anyone who is talking the time to read this. I have been having a very difficult time and any thoughts are appreciated.

Background: I am a 25 year old woman who has had life long mental health problems. In 2013, I began seeing a therapist who ended up telling me I had PTSD. Although I had no memories of the alleged cause of this PTSD, and had no flashbacks, I simply wanted answers as to what was happening to me/why I was so different, so I accepted it. In 2014, I began to have episodes of "blanking out" and becoming non-responsive, what my doctors thought may be seizures. These episodes and general worsening of health lead to seeing 10+ specialists, multiple ER visits, and one hospitalization. No one could figure out what was wrong. My therapist told me I was being triggered by something and was dissociating; however, I wasn't upset when these episodes happened, usually I was out in public, or a social event. The stress of these health issues and the lack of answers ultimately lead to me and my fiance breaking up, as he ended up telling me he did not believe me and thought it was all in my head. I lost many friends for the same reason.

My therapist left the practice in December and I was handed off to another one. Things were okay until I graduated college in May. I soon became isolated, and my so-called health problems worsened. Eventually over the summer things got very bad and I reached out to her (which is hard for me to do). She expressed that she was "very concerned about me" and so she made an appointment for the next day. However, during out session she told me to make some phone calls to programs and that I'd see her next week. At this point I was not in school, not employed, losing friends, and had not been able to go food shopping in a few weeks. When I saw her at the next session she told me she was leaving the practice, and that I'd be handed to another therapist (like it was no big deal). I was deeply hurt by her lack of concern, so I didn't go back.

Since then things have only worsened. I have become increasingly isolated and a big factor in the tension in my relationships is people not believing me about my everyday problems since I graduated recently with multiple degrees and honors. Hence, many people in my life are therefore wondering (somewhat understandably) why I'm not working, why I'm not happy. "Why don't you just...?" is a common thing, and I don't have an answer.

I did a lot of thinking and began to question my PTSD diagnosis. After reading a lot this summer, I have come to believe that I am autistic, and that my "health problems" are related to this, namely that I've been having sensory overloads and meltdowns. It explains so much and it's overwhelming to began to process that no one recognized this in my quarter century of life. That instead I was lead to believe horrible things happened to me that didn't, and the horrible things I actually was going through were rendered invisible.

I feel so alone because I clearly have been de-compensating but I feel like no one notices or cares. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I'm not working, that somehow I can produce award winning research, but going food shopping is an event I feel proud to accomplish (a lot of times "for some reason" I get sudden exhaustion so severe I have go lay down in my car). I feel like if I just try hard enough I can "be normal", that I'm just not trying hard enough, like my ex-fiance said. But then people see the things I manage to do and use it as evidence that things mustn't be that bad. I'm on here because I have been trying to apply to a job that I am very excited about, but I have spent three days (sometimes not sleeping) editing the resume because it never looks right aesthetically. I am literally looking at a collection of all of my academic accomplishments and not being able for some reason to just finish it and send it and I don't know why. It makes me feel horrible.

I have a neuropsych eval scheduled for Halloween but otherwise no supports in place. After being misdiagnosed so many times and simply left by therapists as if I am just a case file and not a person, my trust in the mental health system is very broken. I know I need health and services, but to have that happen one more time where I'm working with a clinician who ends up breaking my trust or just leaves...I literally can't take that again. But I really do just wish I had support and someone to talk to.

Sorry this is so long has anyone else had similar experiences? Any thoughts on where I should go from here?

Thanks in advance.
s.

Hi Sylvan, you've come to the right place.

Here, people understand why you wouldn't WANT to go through the things you're going through. I certainly wouldn't. I'd rather be "normal."

I must admit that I don't go through most of the things you go through, even though I'm on the Spectrum. But I sort of chalk that up to "luck."

It's not that people are necessarily "bad"---it's that they are just ignorant (in terms of knowledge of autism and other afflictions), and frustrated. They can't see why these sorts of things are happening to you. It doesn't make sense to them. So they attribute it to some sort of lack of "willpower." Like I said, it's mostly out of frustration.

However, I don't believe this to be the case. I believe you want to get "better," and to be able to experience the world like others.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I've found free peer support groups through the national alliance on mental illness (nami) to be helpful.

nami.org

Hi Sylvan,

I'm sorry you are going through all of this and are feeling so unhappy. I can understand some of it, as I was only diagnosed with autism in my late 20s myself and have felt very confused and scared for most of my life. It is very depressing to feel physically and mentally unwell and not know why. Not getting any support or comfort can cause a lot of loneliness. I hope your next meeting with mental health services will offer you some more clarity.

One thing that may be helpful though is to know that you do not need to be officially diagnosed in order to feel better. If you have a hunch that you may have autism, read up on all the different signs and symptoms and read about other people's experiences. If you recognize certain things they can make you feel less alone and they will give you some ideas on how to cope. The Wrong Planet website was a big help for me, and although I am still new to the forum part, I'm sure you'll find some great information here too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

If you have mental illnesses or a developmental disability trying hard is not enough, it is a matter of trying smart. In order to do that at some point, you need to find out what are your issues

I hope the neuropsych exam finds the cause of the blanking out episodes. Once that is done if you get the courage and I hope you do I would see a clinician who understands how autism presents in women. That will probably lead to yet more frustration but we can advise where to start and through that journey.

Normalcy might not happen but being the best you and a much happier life can. It will take time. There is nothing wrong with being a bit lazy and just relaxing and pursuing what interests you for a period of time when you hit an ultra frustrating period like now. A matter a fact it is necessary for all of us as we are not robots. Burning out only enhances whatever problems we are having.

Feel free to discuss whatever is bothering you no matter embarrassing or trivial it might seem.

Hi sylvan11. I feel for you and hope you’re able to find a therapist who’s reliable. I’m autistic and have relatively severe PTSD. I’ve seen very helpful therapists and counselors and have seen ones that if anything made it worse and harder for me to trust. I relate to the many health issues, ER visits, and multiple specialists you describe. A lot of those were very unusual or rare health issues that could have been in part due to extreme stress. Things like coming down with miliary tuberculosis, thyroid failure, digestive and heart problems, early osteoarthritis, etc. They had to be treated, but the punishing level of stress weakened my body and immune system and predisposed me to certain conditions. It’s not just “all in your head” – I’m sorry about your friends and fiancée being dismissive rather than supportive. I did well in college and graduate school and my professional career generally went well, so my issues tended to get minimized like yours. Being autistic as well as having PTSD are conditions that are mostly invisible (although confusing) to others but they can be life-limiting without help.

In my case I am autistic but also have complex PTSD. For the longest time I couldn’t remember what the abuse and traumas were – I never actually forgot, those memories just seemed way more like nightmares than reality. I would dissociate like you describe – one time I had an innocent conversation with an acquaintance and then sat down for coffee with a friend for about twenty minutes and then simply got on my motorcycle only to suddenly come back to awareness on the wrong side of the street heading right toward oncoming cars. I only later realized that the earlier “innocent conversation” had triggered my PTSD. Other times I’ve experienced hearing speech and not being able to understand a word. Or forgetting what just happened minutes ago. I had periods of decompensating and drinking too much. I was often exhausted and overwhelmed for no external reason, which was a combination of autistic sensitivity and PTSD being chronically triggered. I was trying and striving much harder than those around me, but lack of effort wasn’t the problem. I did well in school and at work, but my friendships and relationships kept ending badly. Some people I’d talk to were supportive but a lot couldn’t remotely relate to what I was experiencing. I can relate to your attempts to finish and send your resume but hitting strong internal resistance – things can tax my internal resources to the point that something inside me knows I’m getting over-extended and makes me stop – that has been demoralizing.

Talking to my younger sister helped me begin to remember the traumatic circumstances and events. Discussing these with therapists and counselors, writing/keeping a journal and drawing about my memories and feelings and reactions helped me get aware of glaring issues that I had come to ignore during my attempts to succeed at school, at work, and in relationships and marriages. In my case I went to various support groups and therapy groups, and over time these helped my awareness. Trying to live in a way that made me happy and seeing my specific resistances to that and becoming aware of when my unusual and strong feeling reactions occurred provided huge clues to the nature of the trauma I had gone through. Eventually the whole load of traumatic memories started surfacing and my life finally started making sense, although it kicked my butt. I finally realized why it was so hugely scary that it took me decades to be able to process those memories. My mind was protecting itself from processing memories that were still terrifying in the present. Also my autism was tied into the earliest parts of the traumatic experiences (my parents couldn’t handle it and flipped out in a big way) and when I was able to process the memories, my acceptance of my own autism allowed me to better understand and accept myself.

Having a good medical doctor who took me seriously, even though what was happening was at times hard to diagnose was important. Having a good therapist/counselor has also been important – I’ve had life-savers as well as total stinkers. I see a great counselor now that has a basic understanding of autism. Having some support in place was also very helpful – I’m autistic and didn’t have much real social support or support from family. However talking to my younger sister and knowing things that were happening in our childhood were real and that I wasn’t crazy was also very important. I’ve been on about a dozen medications at times for anxiety and mood: I had great hopes but those ended up being great disappointments for me each time – my autism produces some atypical reactions to a lot of the meds. And I’ve had some bogus diagnoses from psychiatrists I trusted, like Bipolar-II, which in retrospect was blatant nonsense. For me faith is also an important part of my recovery and has helped me see meaning in my struggles and to have hope.

I hope sharing some of my experiences helps – everyone is somewhat different and it can be hard to recognize PTSD when you already have anxiety and social/interpersonal alienation from autism.