So, yes, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of having Aspersers. First of all I’m 21 and a girl. Looking back at my childhood I see signs of autism, today not so much though there are some. I’m not so sure of its learnt behavior, like I learned to hide the ‘weirdness’ and found a not so effective way to go on as somewhat normal. There is nowhere I can go for assessment. Here is what I salvaged from my memory so far:
• Sensitivity towards sound: I hated when we walked past bars and loud music playing places, covered my ears and cried to be exact. Today I can handle being in a club for some time, and then I go hide in the restroom to get away from the craziness, the crowd and the noise.
• Can’t adapt to changes: My mom used to change the places of the furniture quite often and cried and changed it back to how it was. One time she did it to my room for a surprise and I had a huge meltdown. Another one I remember is having another meltdown because my parent’s friend came to my birthday celebration I liked to have with only family members.
• School problems: My teacher wasn’t great; her methods didn’t work on me while the rest of the class was excelling in everything she taught. She changed the literature hours with math and I hated that. I was called a cry-baby by her and my classmates because I cried when she did math for 6 hours straight or when she decided to keep us in class for an extra 5 mins and I was so scared to be late to the school bus, or when I didn’t have it my way.
• Ever changing friend groups: I had different friends every year, even though I had friends I never was too close with them in sleepovers style. My personal low in loneliness was 2 years ago when I first started college, I couldn’t meet anyone and was weird, thus that brings us to the other point,
• I suck in small talk, because I’m not good at it and I don’t like it. Even if I do have it, I will run out of things to say and after play it over and over again in my head thinking what I did wrong. Same goes for the presentations and all the other things I did.
• Obsessions and really good memory: When I’m into something I go out of my way to talk about it and to learn about it and I will squeeze it to a conversation one way or another. Another obsession I had was saying goodnight, I had to be the last one to say it or else I would say it again till I’m the last one. One more; I had a new chair for my desk and I kept it out my room every night, because it was a stranger to my room
• I loved role-playing games but I dictated everything, like I told my grandmother exactly what to say in the play.
• I’m a perfectionist and I wont do anything if I‘m not sure I can do it perfectly.
• Called out for being cold and emotionless a lot
• Social Problems, like I said I don’t have a lot of friends and the fact that I don’t make eye contact while I walk the halls isn’t helping, although I can make eye contact with the teachers and other people when they are giving a lecture to an audience. If there is someone else to do it for me I wont engage in contact with the waitress etc.
• I’m smart, but I’m not the best student, I’m mediocre and I don’t study much.
But then there are other things that make it look like I’m just normal and depressed with social anxiety: I know how to read social signs, I understand sarcasm and all those things; I see and process almost everything around me, maybe too much of it. I know what society expects of me I just fail to meet those expectations and fail in even trying.
I’m a daydreamer, creativity is vital to me, I write fiction and all that; my imagination is rather vivid.
This is for the moment all I could say, thank you so much for bearing with me, my research is a bit flawed because I was afraid what it might mean for me, if I have Aspergers. I’m really confused.
11 Oct 2017, 2:50 pm
