Depressed, severe anxiety and too miserable all the time

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Hi,

I am completely new to this forum so I apologise in advance if I take ages to reply. Anyway, I joined Wrong Planet to see if I can get some advice off of a few members here. Anyway, here is a bit of background:

My name is Sam and I am a 21 year old male who currently lives in the UK. All of my life I have suffered horrendous anxiety and chronic insecurity issues and as a result this has caused some physical issues unfortunately. For years I had no idea what caused this nor did I understand why I could never listen or stay focused in school. I also did not understand why I was psychologically bullied by students and even some teachers for being too "slow" and I had no idea why I felt so 'alien' most of the time; I also had issues with developing unhealthy obsessions aswell. It got to the point where at 13 (bearing in mind I had lost 2 close relatives a few years prior which really kick-started by mental health issues) I couldn't cope anymore. I was constantly worrying about my health, death, about school, about "fitting in", relationships etc. I was falling out with my parents over my major hypochondriac tendencies so I decided enough was enough and went to the doctors who referred me to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Unit for counselling.

Prior my first year of counselling my counsellor recognised very strong and classic signs of "autism" and decided to refer me to a psychologist. There, I had to wait a year (another year of anxiety and despair) to get a diagnosis. Then finally, at 15, I was diagnosed with Asperger's. It was right at the start of my final year in school so most of my school life was wasted away on stress and misery lol. I briefly saw a child psychologist at 8 cos my Mum noticed something wasn't quite right with my learning development but the staff there just typically dismissed it (hey no worries I will just be miserable, suicidal and stressed throughout school then lol). My last year at school was by far the worst: my Uncle who I was very close with tragically passed away a few months before I finished (I have had 3 loved ones die between the ages of 5 and 15) and any exams I had I just didn't care much anymore cos of grief and I was suicidal. Luckily, I just about scraped 5 A*-C grades and got into college (this is where I start to notice other 'symptoms' aswell as autism).

Anyways, I believe I was then referred to another psychologist by a counsellor if I remember correctly (not sure if this was done during my last year at school or not) who noticed I showed signs of ADHD aswell as my Asperger's. Again, this was totally dismissed oh so typically. Now, staying focused and impulsivity were two issues I struggled with at school. I was usually well-behaved, quiet and reserved until I got distracted by other people. So, during my first year at college, I had an assessment on my mental health and the doctors and nurses came to the conclusion I was severely depressed aswell as having really bad anxiety and put me on meds (sertraline 50mg and beta blockers). For the first year they helped until funds were cut for my course and loads of my lecturers either left or were made redundant by the college. This when I became extremely depressed again. I hated my course (infact everybody did), everyone in the class turned on each other cos we could not cope with how bad things got in our class. I had to go doctors several times due to stress and depression and my medication dosages were gradually increased.

After my last 2 years of college (the last year was the worst of my life), I managed to achieve a Triple Distinction* which I am proud of however my depression unfortunately got worse. As I was continuing to see counsellors and psychologists the idea of me having ADHD aswell as Asperger's was brought back into discussion. Unfortunately, I then had to wait another horrible year for a proper assessment and as a result I was becoming more and more depressed each day. Finally, about year ago I was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD at 20 years old (15 years too late imo but hey I am just another pointless number to the system aren't I?) and was put on Ritalin which has helped me a little. I am due to have another assessment to test me for Borderline Personality Disorder aswell (BPD).

So, the struggles I am having now are due to depression, lack of confidence and motivation. Every relationship I have ever had has broken down cos I feel I just cannot adapt to the way young people view the world nowadays i.e. I am not a big fan of phones or texting as I would rather just say what needs to be said to their faces. The problem I am finding is, people my age are too obsessed with image and texting and I absolutely despise it. I don't have the motivation to go out much anymore cos I just HATE the fact that everything is based around social media and how pretty everybody must look. I have not had a relationship or any sort of intimacy since I was 17 and that's caused my depression to worsen. The trouble is, like I said, cos I am not a big phone users I am depicted as "ignorant, bitter and miserable" nor do I have much motivation to go out and meet people anymore. I just cannot win lol. I have recently started smoking marijuana which has me helped and allowed me to talk to new people (more so than these stupid anti-depressants ever did) but of course it's illegal in the UK (I absolutely hate the British government for this and cutting funds on everything) which I despise just like everything else in this crappy country lol. I don't drink alcohol much as it just makes my depression worse; I had an incident a few months where I got drunk in a club with a mate, started talking to two very attractive girls and out of no where I began feeling depressed so I had to go home cos I was on the verge of a panic attack and as I got home I unfortunately slashed my wrists with a pair of scissors whilst crying.

Sorry for the long "essay" loool. I am just struggling a lot right now to find a girlfriend or any sort of goal in life. It sucks cos I have a great job, family and friends yet I am still miserable as sin. I seriously believe I may have been born into the wrong generation cos I simply DETEST everything about modern day life. As well as my assessment for BPD, I will be having a review for my anti-depressants and my ADHD meds despite the fact I have mentioned to the doctors that these anti-depressants are no longer working for me (I am on 200mg sertraline now which is the highest dosage). So, I just wanted to ask if any fellow aspies have suffered similar problems and how they overcame them. I appreciate your time for reading this btw and I would be very thankful for a few responses.

Regards!

1st you need Jesus.....

2nd you should try risperidone 2mg at night and 1.5 mg in morning along with the sertraline.

Kind Regards, Nay.

Sam, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You have had a lot of negative things happen to you. When a lot of negative things happen to a person they often start expecting bad things to happen to them and blame themselves causing anxiety and depression. When others figure out you are vulnerable sometimes they take advantage and bully causing more anxiety and depression. Autistics tend to perservate about these negative things.

Many here have experienced this and they will have good suggestions. For me, it was figuring out the despite what I fear and expect the worst did not always happen.

It is great to hear from a young man not addicted to 'phones and fashion. My history was rather different, but my better periods were when I was in a close working relationship with someone who understood my talents, and took care of the general communications so I could focus on work instead of trying to figure out the people. I have seldom been able or interested in a full-time job, instead living frugally and self-employed, doing interesting jobs.

I can't really offer advice so much as just relate to you. I've been waiting for a real evaluation for about a year now. I take 30 mg of lexapro for depression and 2 mg of Ativan for anxiety and I'm still extremely depressed all the time.
I've become agoraphobics, which you seem to be showing early signs of, and trust me. it isn't pretty.
That however is where our similarities stop.
Even though you seem to hate that you constantly worry about yourself and things in your life, I'll actually commend you for that. I've become extremely apathetic and I pretty much don't feel anything anymore. I'm never happy, sad, angry, or even anxious anymore thanks to the medication I take. I'm still trying to find a reason worth living.
The fact that you worry about yourself and your relationships shows me that you still have hope for your life.
It's okay to worry about things like this. Obviously not to the extent that you do but still.
You need to make your hope for life your drive. If you can still feel you can still live. That's all I can advise.

Oyee, this sounds soo familar. Sorry to hear you've been having to deal with being thrown around the mental health system too :/ how time consuming it is and how non-nonchalant they are about everything is really frustrating, I hear you on that.