What happens during your meltdowns?

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I never thought I qualified as having meltdowns.
But this has happened before - due to a base lack of self-awareness, I have thought that other "classic" symptoms of autism didn't apply to me either, and had to be directly told that they do.
And yes you can google "meltdown" and get a list of generic symptoms, but as always with autism, it varies crazily (plus the word has become colloquial, making definition even less clear when relating to autism).
I'm interested in what happens to each individual who experiences meltdown, to get a broader idea of how it can present, and compare it to what has been happening with me, to reassess my opinion on me and meltdowns.
Today was the worst in a long time. Bit of backstory for reference to interested parties -
I have huge problems speaking - with using verbal speech at all for any reason, due to autistic speech disorder/being partially nonverbal. This has led to a hideous ongoing problem with my tattoos, from designs being wrong and costing me $200 for nothing, to actually ending up getting tattoos done that were not what I meant or asked for, because I am apparently incapable of communicating via speech, but have been stupidly persisting in order to "act normal."
The latter happened today. I left feeling angry, but by the time I reached the parking lot it was something else. There was pressure all in my body, waves and waves of something hard to understand, but later seemed to be rage, going all through my body. I couldn't respond to that physical pressure and the inability to communicate and be understood by anyone - it was like some kind of aphasia. I thought I was making sense and talking properly, but the response of others was directly opposite to what I said. Confusion, frustration and anger built into this rage thing, and by the time I got to the car I was screaming as loud as I could and punching things, and couldn't seem to stop, even though people were looking at me. The screaming thing happened a few more times on the road, also involuntarily.
I am not customarily outwardly violent at all. I have been extremely self-destructive in the past, but I thought I had that under control by being aware of it and understanding what was going on, so I could counter-balance those impulses and not end up hurting myself.
But the screaming and hitting things uncontrollably doesn't usually happen. By the time I returned to the house where I'm staying I was dizzy, lightheaded like I was going to pass out, shivery, my head was pounding and I went completely nonverbal - am still completely nonverbal.
Would this qualify as meltdown?
What happens to everyone else that they understand by this term?

These days, I could be "persuaded" out of my meltdowns by people talking gentle to me.

If somebody tries to get "tough" on me, I tend to get worse.

I would agree: next time you get a tattoo, write down what you want. A good tattoo artist wouldn't mind it at all if you did that.

I would call that a meltdown. Matter of fact, I'd call that a classic meltdown, the very thing I think of when I hear the term. But I also think there are meltdowns where people get passive instead of angry.

I was thinking the same thing as kraftiekortie; if you have problems vocalizing what you want, then the best solution is to write it down ahead of time. I have lived in the same place for over twenty years, and I still write down my name and address and all other pertinent information before I call anyone about much of anything. I can read stuff that I can't remember or otherwise vocalize. In person, I'll type things up and hand it over when I get there, and if the other person has questions I can usually cope with that but not always.

And I am generally capable of holding casual conversations and all that. But when it comes to having to convey specific information, or talking about anything personal or important to me, writing things down is the way to go. I have been known to forget my own birthdate when someone asks me for it unexpectedly, and I've been reporting it for over 57 years. And once it's gone, it ain't comin' back. I just hand over my driver's license, which usually works -- and when it doesn't, I read it off there.

When I have a meltdown I rock, flap, vigorously rub my head and face and punch myself in the head. It's not pretty. I'm also likely to do something stupidly impulsive. It's a fight / flight type of thing. Shutdowns are a freeze. Shutdowns are way better. I sort of become catatonic, nonverbal and can't do anything at all. It feels like the world is a long way away. Nothing can touch me. Shutdowns are safer.

In my experience a meltdown is like a lot like a panic attack in that you lose control of yourself. The symptoms, feeling and experience are different, but they are similar in that both are a result of a fight-or-flight reaction like bunnyb said. Just like with a panic attack, sometimes they can be defused. Other times they go full scale and have to run their course. That applies to shutdowns as well.

Yeah, I'm very familiar with shutdown as that's what usually happens with me. The world being far away is a good description. Things fragment into pieces for me and I lose the awareness of anything happening as a pattern, as a continuance of behaviour or meaning or action. Nothing makes any sense - even music just sounds like discordant noise, disconnected from any over-reaching pattern.
The problem with that is I may not see the continuance of things like car speeding toward me = car hitting me = car killing me. It's just an object, moving, making noise. There are no labels attached to it and it means nothing.
This other thing was something that doesn't happen often.
And it's still sort of ongoing - I woke feeling unwell - oddly, a mixture of very concussed and very hungover even though neither of those things happened. Still agitated and mostly nonverbal after hours of sleep.
I stupidly decided to go run errands, and something completely insignificant happened (someone cut in front of me in traffic and pulled up where I was about to pull up) .... aaaaand cue the screaming again.
That would not be enough to make a normal person start screaming. I think it's a result of a continual pressure in a very specific way, and I just can't handle it anymore, so I'm always an inch from this kind of thing, and it doesn't take much to push me too far.
It's of concern, though. I wouldn't want to lose it completely and punch someone or otherwise get into trouble.
I did take some risks last night - driving way too fast / recklessly for one. Not good.
And yhanks to everyone who echoed the sentiment - I'm getting better with the insisting on being nonverbal thing. And yes, I intend to contact another studio and see if they can salvage the mess this made of my tattoos, while insisting from the beginning that I cannot speak at all and any communication with me must be in writing. It seems that there is less misunderstanding when things are written, even among neurotypical peoples who have no problems speaking.
I just try to fumble through with the speech because I have been conditioned not to do anything to make a problem for other people, taught that it's up to me to manage my autism and I shouldn't expect other people to compensate for me being "ret*d."
But I've had it with that. It's not working. It's costing me money and bad ink. I have started to email businesses I might have contact with ahead of schedule (I did this with a driving lesson recently) and outright stated that I am a primarily nonverbal autistic, that it does not mean I have any cognitive deficit, and asking if they could deal with someone who doesn't speak or not.
I'm hoping this approach will take the pressure off it always being me trying to compensate and it not working out anyway.

I cry for a minute or two and than I'm fine.

Words... A lot of repeated words...

I always thought that I was having panic attacks, but now that I'm aware of my autism, I guess they are actually meltdowns? I have no idea what the difference is. I don't really feel that much panic, more like a really exaggerated state of confusion and frustration/desperation.
What happens to me is usually also a very strong physical reaction, with short bursts of pain in my chest. It feels like the heart freezes and it spreads outwards through my veins, and fades out very rapidly, again and again. And I get really dizzy. That's how I know it's on it's way, when it seems like everything is getting more distant and muted. It's weird though, because it feels like my mind goes blank, but also like my brain is taking in absolutely everything at once. Like the whole universe is inside my head, but I can't think.
I cry uncontrollably and ramble (mostly something like "I don't know, I can't, I can't, I don't know what to do"). I feel like punching things or myself, but am mostly able to control that. Sometimes by screaming, sometimes running works. But the rest of it only stops by itself, sometimes after minutes, sometimes hours.
I wish I had a yard so I could go out and dig a hole or something, I feel like that would help.

That sounds sensory overload that leads to a meltdown or shutdown.

A panic attack is when someone feels absolute stark terror and often a certainty of impending death.

But they are similar in that your mind and physiology go haywire beyond ability to control and is an unpleasant episode that has to run its course.

My meltdowns are excruciatingly painful. I end up crying for about a half an hour to 45 minutes with tears left, right and center and it's not pretty at all. It's bawling, bawling, bawling and more bawling. It's like screaming and crying all the same time. I'm sure it would be pretty painful to watch a grown man to be in that state but it's like I'm 6 years old and I just lost my best friend or something. Everytime.

Afterwards I have a piercing migraine and my eyes are incredibly sore and this pain will continue for about two days. Also I will feel like I've just run 10 marathons in a row because it leaves me completely and totally drained. I'm sure even amongst Autistics this is a fairly extreme meltdown. This happens about once a month. But crying for me is a regular event - I'm pretty unstable that way.

Meltdowns for me are usually because of events not going according to plan, my routines disrupted, overstimulation, victim of bullying at work, inconsideration from NTs, my incontinence not being taken care of properly, not enough shut down time, and general fed-upness with life.

Ugh, it seems like it's a constant state of 3/4 gone at the moment.
This afternoon I had to get to a dentist appointment, and I was still extremely drained and exhausted, still dizzy and sick and very shaky, still not great with the speaking (I was speaking a bit to the dentist, but it was a case of "that's fine," "ok," etc).
It seems like this other stressor, as long as it is ongoing, keeps me at 3/4 of capacity to deal so anything happening quickly fills up the other 1/4.
This is so humiliating.
And because I always have to appear A-OK at all costs, I just agreed to work tomorrow.
Ugh.

I sympathize. I'm either hysterical thowing a wingding or curled up in a ball sobbing. Sometimes I also get a migraine as a bonus after all that. The rest of the time I feel like I was run over by a truck. Or both. And incontinence issues as well. Feeling like a 6 year old. All pretty common in full blown autism.

I honestly can't fathom the idea of not wanting a cure for that.

I think you're absolutely right. Thank you for the clarification!

It used to annoy me so much that people didn't get my "panic attacks". They try to be nice by saying "oh I know exactly what it's like. I used to have them too. You're freaking out because you think you're having a heart attack or something and feel like you're about to die. Don't worry, it will pass", but I'm like "no, I don't fear that I'm going to die. I am more concerned about the fact that I have to keep on being alive!". And no one could ever relate to that.

This is all making a lot more sense now.

I can't cry, so I don't get that symptom, but as I have chronic headaches so I always have a headache, this racheted that up a lot worse. Not quite a full migraine - I go blind when I have full migraines - but close.
Ditto to the feeling hit by a truck though. It doesn't seem to be going away. I'm at least trying to get to bed early tonight since I stupidly agreed to work tomorrow because I badly need the money. I should have stayed in to rest, but I can't. Who knows how tomorrow's going to go. I will need LOTS of coffee, the McDonalds on the highway better be open ...

I don't really cry either in the traditional sense. Really more like moaning and making glutteral sounds. Probably the sort of thing that might be interpreted as demon posession back in the olden days. And like demon possession, it's something that takes control of me and I'm powerless to stop it.