Newb here- Help Needed

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I'm in need of some opinions from 'experienced aspies'. I apologize if this is long, and thank you for taking time to read it.
I'm not sure if I'm on the spectrum or not. My SO thinks that I am, and I've been asked if I am by others throughout my life. I've always been under the impression that while I'm different than most people I meet, I'm the normal one because I can be honest while everyone else pretends to be what society thinks they should be.

A bit about me- I'll try to keep it brief.
Ive been diagnosed with OCD and depression and take medication for both.
I have always had sensory issues, mainly with touch and smell. I feel intense anxiety when it comes to textures, and my hands are always closed in fists when not in use because even the air feels weird on them. I have a few 'rituals' when it comes to smells, thats one of the biggest OCD inconveniences that I have a hard time hiding, and it annoys others.

While I've had friends throughout my life, the friendships Always end and I never understand why. To this day, the only friends I have are my siblings and my SO. All of the other ones I truly do not understand what happened to end the friendships, but I realize I'm the common denominator. I guess I'm doing something to drive people away.
I didnt talk until I was almost four. My mom thought there was something wrong with me, and took me to get my hearing checked, but that was as far as she took it. My hearing is perfectly fine. I'm not sure what year it became normal to look for signs for kids being on the spectrum?

Ive always prefered to be by myself. I don't know how to talk to others, and everything I do is learned behavior from watching my peers. I don't smile unless I feel happy, and I'm the least enthusiastic person anyone I know has met. Enthusiasm is something I can't even fake, it just feels so weird to me. Even when I'm excited about something, people think I'm unimpressed because of how little I react. I also have a monotonous voice. These are things that my SO doesnt understand and it causes tension between us quite often.

Last thing I'll share, throughout my life people have commented on me being rude. Ive had a teacher pull me out of class when I was about 10 to lecture me about being the rudest student he'd ever taught. To me, I've never understood this because I think I'm really nice. I care about people a lot and it really upsets me when others tell me that I'm acting in a negative way that I don't think I'm acting in. Again, this is something that causes a lot of tension between my SO and I.

On a lighter note, my hobbies include drawing, reading, writing, programming, and long walks on the beach. Except not really, because I hate the way sand feels
Anyway, if you made it this far, based on this what do you think? I've never considered myself to be on the spectrum, but after some prodding from my SO, Ive been doing research and I feel like my whole life suddenly makes sense. Ive taken all of the online tests I can find, and they all point to being on the spectrum. BUT I also get that I'm biased. So, thats where you guys come in

I was first told I was Asperger's 15 years ago by my sister, in a very negative way. My Mum also said I was a few years latter, although both are intelligent they have also been inclined to diagnose me as things. My own research when I eventually got a computer wasn't good, so it was only a year ago that I asked for an assessment. I really wish I had done so earlier. I did so then because so many people had cut me out of their lives, I was the common denominator, either I thought I was a nice person but was actually a monster or there was something in my communication that I didn't understand. I also feel much better about my obsessive behavior now that I know obsessive behavior is normal for an Aspie. I am still working on it but I no longer feel this pressure to be pushing for a cure because I no longer see myself as some one with a mental illness

I was a classically autistic toddler/preschooler---then an Aspergian older child. Yep...I'm an "experienced" autistic person.

I don't necessarily see "autism"---though you never know, especially since you're a female. It is fairly well known that females are able to "mask" the symptoms of autism better than males for various reasons.

If you can afford it, and it would be useful for you, why not get an assessment.

Even if it turns out that you're not "autistic" or "Aspergian," you can still benefit from this Site, I believe--especially since you have had similar experiences to those who are on the Spectrum.

Thanks for sharing all of that. It certainly sounds distinctly possible that you are on the spectrum and there is a lot i recognise from my journey of only getting diagnosed 5 years ago at 30.

As you say yourself, it's quite difficult to reach a definitive conclusion yourself. I think the only way to be effectively certain is to seek a professional assessment. It was free for me in the UK but, if you'd have to pay, I suppose you'll want to do a cost/benefit analysis on the whole thing to decide if it will make enough of a difference. To me I know it was massively important as it helped me to finally understand so many problems and struggles.

Good luck and welcome.

Anxiety, depression, ritualistic behaviours, OCD and social avoidance are all very good signs of being Autistic but Autism is a very complex condition and I encourage you to be psychologically assessed at your earliest convenience.

Aspies like myself have only been diagnosed fairly recently and I'm in my 40s so I've let this festering wound go without a Band-Aid for long enough because my parents simply didn't care and I didn't care about myself.

So I encourage you not to go down the same road I did - I'm not sure how old you are but you need to take the horse by the reins on this one because Autism is one of the most complex mental conditions out there and it needs a great deal of care and attention.

I'm 25, and I believe when I was little, in the 90's, is when it became more well known? I always assumed I wasn't, partially based on this, but after getting diagnosed with OCD a few years back I realized that my mom is in strong denial of me having anything 'wrong' with me. She denies I have OCD or any depression, even though I need medication to help control it. So she could have seen signs and ignored them. She has admitted to thinking there was something wrong with me when I was little, but never ventured into a further explanation.
I am not sure how to go about getting a proper diagnosis, or if I even want a full one. Would talking to a psychiatrist who works with patients on the spectrum be a good idea? I think right now I want a professional to give me their opinion, but I don't know if thats how you're supposed to go about it.

I know you're not talking to me specifically.....but it would be better if you consulted someone with expertise in the Spectrum.

Most people, including clinicians, have little idea about the precise nature of the Autism Spectrum. Many still think of autism as the "Rainman" type of disorder---"classic"/Kanner autism--and don't frequently have knowledge of the other aspects of the Spectrum.

You not only want someone familiar with autism, but you want to find someone familiar with diagnosing autism in females, as females have historically been mis-diagnosed.

Most females your age are diagnosed when their kids are diagnosed. Autism often runs in families, making diagnosis easier if both a child and parent are available. Otherwise, and early adult diagnosis can be hard because other mental illnesses often show up in early adulthood. It is easier to diagnose autism when you can safely ignore other possibilities.

I agree with the last two posts, someone with experience of diagnosing people on the spectrum including women.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

As others have said you do seem to have a number of core Aspergers traits.

There are two main options.
Professional Diagnosis by a clinician with knowledge in how Aspergers* presents in adult women. As mentioned they can be expensive and hard to find. They do provide a form of validation for your suspicions and may make you eligible for accommodations and benefits.

Self-diagnosis or identification. This is controversial because aspie traits occur in other conditions and fear of confirmation bias. Some experts have said self-diagnosis is usually correct and you do often know yourself best. If a clinician not experienced is unavailable due to expense or distance or you can accept your own research sans professional validation then that is an option.

The question to ask yourself is are your "traits" impairing your life now and if not could it impair your life in the future.

You are always welcome to ask about a problem. It does not matter if you are on the spectrum or not.

Asperger Profiles: Women and Girls -Aspergers Autism Association of New England

Thank you all. I have found someone not too far who is familiar with Aspergers and I'm going to make an appointment, assuming insurance covers it. I am not good with talking in person, so wish me luck!
Ive already learned a lot from reading through forums here. I feel like I've found some like-minded people for once in my life

I think it would be a great idea for you to talk to a registered psychiatrist about Autism and ideally find one who specializes in Autism specifically. As I mentioned Autism and Asperger's Syndrome are the most complex mental conditions out there so this will need someone who has studied nothing but Autism and Autistic behaviors etc etc. Getting a mental health assessment from one of these specialized persons would be your best bet.

And it's funny you should mention that about your mother because my mother was exactly the same way as well as my father. My mother was in denial and could not accept that there was anything wrong with her sons, pretty sure it was an ego thing.

The sad thing is my father also had Asperger's and he was in denial about his own condition as well as my younger brother. Our whole family was all in denial about having Asperger's and only now my brother and I are beginning to accept it. My dad died without ever getting assessed by registered psychiatrist.

My upbringing and family were probably the worst conditions for an Autistic person.

Good luck!

I used to get called "Rain Man" quite a bit when I was younger and even into my 30s and it irritated the hell out of me. All because of my encyclopedia-like knowledge of various subjects and precision of thoughts and verbal conveyance. It used to make me feel like such a robot - like I wasn't a person with thoughts and feelings of my own. That name used to make me feel so non-human and I'd be stimming angrily for hours afterwards.

I truly despise that automatic Autistic-person association I get with Rain Man.

Ugh...

Bonne chance.

Some of what you said is familiar to me.

Though I like spending time with my family and friends, I'm perfectly content to be by myself. My communication abilities also leave a bit be desired and because of that, I often choose to remain quiet, though I often can't think of what to say. Enthusiasm has always been an issue for me. It makes it uncomfortable when I'm doing something like opening gifts, because I think my lack of shown enthusiasm won't be understood for what it is. At other times it looks like a complete lack of interest in something. Though if something doesn't interest me, I have no enthusiasm to do it. Combine that with having attention deficit issues and tuning out when I feel overwhelmed and it causes no end of work problems.

Welcome to the board.

Very similar to me, especially the sensory/friend parts. I have immense trouble maintaining friendships and I'm never sure when someone wants me to visit them or to go away. I'm always just "dropped" as in the friends just don't care about me. I also have a LOT of people working against me. But anyways, the sensory things sound familiar as well. If you're going to a diagnosis, keep in mind it will help some areas of your life but might make things harder. Not even in an official sense, just with other people. People treat me the way they treat everyone else when they don't know I have AS, which is sometimes good and other times bad. This is especially bad when I have to work with groups or I have other things that could derive difficult, as they think I'm crazy and incompetent. I also get the hell manipulated out of me, pretty much daily, by everyone. At the same time though, concealing my diagnosis again means that people treat me like everyone else, and I can pretend to "blend" into the background. I don't have to stick out another words. Disclosing the diagnosis will allow a good chunk of people (like 10% of them) to communicate and interact with me more efficiently than before, as usually I'm totally incapable of talking to people. But on the other hand, people almost always use my diagnosis against me, and bring up things like "he doesn't know what he's doing" or "he's not able to think like that, you need to be careful with him, he's special". That's extremely irritating, as I have learned more social cues than the average person can even think, and after hundreds of hours of picking up on cues and learning how to spot the bad people I feel like I'm more competent than those idiots who consider otherwise.

Sorry for such a massive response. Also sorry if this is not your first post but if it is, then welcome to the forums!