Not Worth The Candle

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I know this is the Asperger's pride website but I still think it's a good resource so I decided to join. My question is what are your lives like? If you could size them up or organize them in a way I could best understand you motivations that would be nice. It seems to me, as someone on the spectrum, there isn't a lot of potential for someone like myself. I'm sure you guys are higher functioning than myself or the aspies I met at the groups so what are you guys doing and is it really that much better than where I am?

Caseworker for those with an intellectual disability diagnosis, or autism diagnosis. Enjoy a lot of the work, but have come to question much of what passes for "therapy," and whether I want to change paths or not. I can hold down a job and live alone, but have become increasingly burnt out since college. Motivations? Peace, quiet, and acceptance would be major victories at this point. I'd like to not feel I'm constantly having to move in fast forward, with minimal break for rest. I'd like to not feel like two people: the social mask who can be warm and jovial, versus the quiet, solitary, real me. People always push for the mask because that's what they want, and they think that's really me. It's exhausting being talked to like I'm dumb or confused because I'm not trying to be more like them all the time, though I can't expect that's going to change. I think at this point a stable, decent job and plenty more downtime are my ambitions. It was easier to be ambitious when I was younger and had less pressures on me.

Retired PhD, hard sciences, who worked for decades in the areas where science meets healthcare. Different jobs - science/healthcare expository writing, project management in public health, both for a range of employers and with a range of foci. Wanted to teach at the university level, didn't happen, decided the communication aspect of the work I chose instead was the next best thing.

Few regrets. I believe that the society in which I live has gradually become less civil, more predatory, and at this point I am no longer sorry that I never had children, because I cannot imagine a future for them that is other than inimical. I saw this social devolution in my work and workplace, both of which became progressively more vicious and exploitative, and not only to me - not by a longshot. Tried management, but wasn't willing to harm people for no apparent reason other than profit or ego, and headed back to the trenches ASAP.

Am grateful that I could support myself, and was able to retire. Have no intention of working again, except possibly volunteering (put my time where my beliefs are). Presently recovering from major burnout because, being Aspie, I was never able to give anything but my all, and my best. My best was very good indeed, and I believe that was my major protection against abusers and their flying monkeys; my Aspie ability to hyperfocus was sufficient to protect me from most of the pain of ostracism during the latter years. Had a few good colleagues who valued who I was as much as what I could do for them - they, like me, generally stayed in the trenches; that was all the company I needed.

Been loved (all four varieties: storge, eros, philia and agape). Loved back (likewise). Glad of it. Not sure there's as much of any of that on offer these days - more and more, people seem to treat others like commodities, while wondering why they are being treated like commodities.

Have critters (furclad) and have had critters nearly all my life (50+ years). Couldn't live without them - I suspect literally.

No longer concerned about human love of the "nesting" variety; I've had ample opportunity to observe my co-workers over 3.5 decades, and the things people inflict on one another, and/or on themselves, in order to preserve their relationships - or convince themselves that they are doing so - floor me.

My deepest regret is that I have lived through a time when the arc of the universe is bending as far away from justice as possible, as rapidly as possible, with as many sociopaths as possible hanging onto it and pulling it down, and most of the NTs around me seem to be either oblivious to this or all for it. I was young in a time of social aspiration, belief in progress, yada yada; it's hard to look at this present, and believe this is where that past really intended to go.

Finally - being a science and science-fiction enthusiast, I take great comfort in the idea of parallel universes. Out there, somewhere, the hopeful past led to a far better present, and some version of myself is there and giving, and happy as hell. Meanwhile, in my particular continuum, there's jazz, there are critters, there is coffee, and I have lived as fully as I could, and done as little harm as possible.

( Damn, will you look at that, I just did my life review. So how do you like your brown-eyed girl, Dr. Erik Erikson?)

Im not capable of much. I dont work. I just go for a walk every day and then fix a meal. That is all I do and yet I find it quite an exhausting struggle.

I work and have a wife and two sons. I live independently. It's a huge struggle outside the family for me and for that I need 40 mg of Prozac per day. It is still worth it, though, because of my family. Had I not had them I think I would probably either not be here or have been institutionalized. Life has its positive points.

It's difficult to gauge whether someone wants reassurance or advice. I've gotten it wrong quite a few times.

I can't take it when someone says they're "broken but can't get fixed." I believe there is a form of redemption for everybody.

What does "not worth the candle" mean?

I'm an eccentric hermit, and I hope someday to be a wise old man.
My focus is usually music and martial arts, and I'm pretty good at both. Can't say that I'm successful with either of them, really, but I'm still on the path. I dabble with a lot of other things. I'm a decent mechanic, and learning to work metal. I'm a terrible gardener but I enjoy trying it and sometimes have a bit of luck. I'm really good at driving.
But none of that really says anything, does it?
I've been interested in being a priest or a monk for most of my life, and continue to pursue that. My ideas of it are my own. Close to taoism. If I get the chance I'll go train at the temple in China, but am currently on my own. Interested in anatomy, kinesiology, and acupuncture. Another issue of money for school, basically.
Will probably always be a student of something.
What's life like?
Usually pretty lonely, often pretty hard. Sometimes really, really depressed. Almost perpetually broke. I don't really have job skills, don't really have people skills, and my pursuits really take a lot of time and energy and rarely involve other people. And I didn't know I was autistic until very recently. Basically had no idea that my social skills were lacking, or how much my routines and obsessions may take a toll on people around me.
And now I've lost my train of thought.

I'm basically a special needs invalid who requires substantial support. Always have been and most likely always will be, due to moderate/sever autism, severe dysparixa, other cognitive impairments and learning disability. But I have fun playing my video game, watching tv, reading, going for strolls, eating snacks and drinking Monster red, so it's not all bad.