Advising people vs. reassuring them

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I have only just realised that when people have a problem they usually want reassurance, not advice. It is difficult for me to stop myself giving advice because I believe I do actually know quite a lot and often can help people. But if that isn't what people want, if what they want is reassurance I am trying to say reassuring things instead of giving advice.

Of course reassurance is a form of help, it is helping someone to find the confidence to help themselves. I think people can perceive advice as a personal attack. A kind of back handed insult. I think people want to find answers for themselves, it hurts peoples feelings when you give advice they haven't asked for is what I seem to have realised.

Anyone else struggled with this?

I've known that for a while, but still find it difficult to hold myself back from giving advice.
I think you're supposed to sort of mirror what they're saying back to them, like "so you feel like xxx because he did yyyy?" And maybe try and steer them towards what you want to say but in their own way Though I don't think I've ever been able to do that
In fact people rarely talk to me about their issues, I think maybe I give off "I don't care" or "stay way from me" vibes, even though I could probably help them if they did ask.

For a long time I thought it was stupid of people to complain about their problems to another person if they weren't asking for solutions to said problems from them. I still think this way a little, but now I also acknowledge the possibility of them just wanting someone to lend an ear. The one who I usually hear complaining is my mom and I've learned that she doesn't usually seek advice (unless the complaining has something to do with computers), she just wants to let some steam out. With other people than her I usually see it to be safer to just listen and not say anything (unless they are complaining about some other person and clearly being unfair in my eyes; that's when I often open my mouth even if I know that it's probably a bad idea), unless they clearly want some kind of verbal reaction. At that point I usually ask if they want advice or a neutral comment... this in itself tends to piss people off, too, but what else could I do?

This is with face to face situations. In the internet I forget to ask or even think if people are just letting out steam or actually want advice most of the time... I mean I suppose I somehow think that if they bother to write a long post about it and publish it somewhere then it has to mean they want advice... but I might be wrong.

My goodness, I've had a different experience. For whatever reason, people come to me asking for advice up front, unambiguously, fairly often. It takes time and care to give decent advice, and it's not always possible even when you care very much.

For myself, I rarely vent about my own problems (IRL) unless I want considered feedback, so when people merely reassure me, it feels - patronizing, and disengaged.

Interesting.

Intry and stay away from problems to be honest but if I do ever get involved with someone who has a problem I just usually listen to them and ask them questions about it.

Whether my way is right or wrong I don't really know but in my mind my questions might help them to solve their own problem.

Fifasy

Yes

Once someone asked me for spare change. And I correctly told him that there was a soup kitchen around the block

And he acted insulted. Personally offended. Like I was telling him he was too stupid to know that.....


Anyways that is the problem with reassurance

Whenever I tell someone anything, it is "that great" or "ok" or "that unfortunate" or "I'm sorry". Even professional counselors do that. Especially professional counselors

And I wonder if they are using reverse psychology or playing devils advocate

And then I feel guilty and ashamed for telling them....

And then it's like they already said "I'm sorry" and it isn't even their fault.

But when they say something is "unfortunate", then that makes me feel like they are exaggerating.

So I feel like I should not tell them about anything bad

But then I have nobody to tell

And if it's a professional counselor, then I should be telling them

Once a volunteer counselor told me that it was "horrible" that a bowel movement took one hour

So maybe counseling is only to discuss things that are " horrible"

Disease, crime, poverty

"Horrible,"

I have a tendency to try and give advice as well, and I'm lucky enough to have friends who are honest and tell me when they don't need it.

If it's a practical problem people have like how to correctly roast a chicken giving advice is a no brainer, it must be the best thing.

However problems people approach me about with family, personal finaces and others where they are heavily emotionally invested, I am cautious of advising on. I appreciate peoples input here and I think I still wontnstop giving advice, I will try to ask questions that guide people in the right way. As that seems best for non practical problems where people are emotional.

Not everyone who asks for spare change wants it for food.

Save ferris

Granted, he could have wanted cash for drugs or anything else

But everyone needs food, sooner or later

I think his reaction was more than likely because he wanted the money for something other than food and your helpful advice was not appreciated due to this.

I don't really know how to reassure people - I don't know that 'it's going to be alright,' so why would I say that? What if the person thinks I'm just brushing off their problems by saying that it's OK?

Usually, I just pat people awkwardly on the back or give them a hug (even though I don't like hugs), and let them talk about it if they want.

Well I usually want some reassurance or support, but all my parents ever offer is advice, so I must live in backwardslandia.

Seriously, I’m feeling down so they start doling out the same scheiss like a broken record. Apparenly they don’t think I listen or remember anything.

I always think that drugs work better on a full stomach.

I'm better at advice than reassurance because, unlike most people, I can't say "It's going to be all right" if I don't know it's actually going to be all right.

I could do that only after first being convinced the individual was actually headed toward success. At least as I perceive things, many people today are wanting, looking for and/or expecting "support" or reassurance for efforts that will never truly get them anywhere. But rather than offering unsolicited advice, I try to just share my own experience with having once been at that same point of need.