Social cues that affect friend/relationships?

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Hi guys. I'm pretty much trying to see how I act towards people in social situations and to see if there is a connection as to why I just cannot make friends. Social cues such as greeting and eye contact don't come natural to me and I usually have to make a conscious effort to do these which, in social situations, I'm usually stressed so I am unable to commence them (this isn't an excuse though). I have an ADOS (yay i've been waiting like 6 mths) in 13 days 16 hours! Assuming that I get the diagnosis because I have an endless list of symptoms and people almost always point it out that it's a possibility i'm on the spectrum or just suspect that I am. So, assuming but not diagnosing myself, as on the spectrum, do NT's generally see social cues as to whether they should be friends with someone? To rephrase this as this sounded better in my head: if two people met, and one person made no eye contact and said hello without a smile, would the NT be less interested in engaging a friendship? Wait, does it even work like this? I just assume it does - one person subconsciously judges others based on "normal" social cues so if someone doesn't used the "correct" social cues, are they deemed as unapproachable? Or disinterested? When, in fact, 90% of the time that isn't true...
Sorry is my hypothesis seems one-sided, I tried to make it balanced. Also it probably makes 0 sense sorry.

I think most Aspies miss social clues so that we say things that are boring or inappropriate. Sort of like the "Wet Paint" sign on a park bench. If you can't read the sign you may get paint on your clothes.

I find it helps to speak concisely.

That I must agree with. LOL, I took that very quite literally. Anyway... what colour paint? Joking. Sometimes, for me anyway, it is so hard to speak concisely when you are distracted by different sensory inputs such as cars or talking. I am usually snapped into reality by my family when meeting new people.

Hey ICantthinkofaname,
You’re obviously quick witted and have a sense of humour so I’m not sure why u don’t have tons of people around you? Could it be that u just aren’t in any groups that meet regularly? Friendships seem to take years to properly develop I think they are mainly through proximity to the physical person so I guess u more things u do the more chances of making friends?


Also I kinda disagree with the looking at ppl in the eyes thing. This is so old school but I was taught u never look a man in the eyes u always kinda look down and tilt ur head to he side (to show u are recessive... not dominate?! I’m probably not explaining this right), but if u look at the wrong man square on and try to act dominate or even as an equal it could go badly ie he will most likely get his back up and become defensive but this is probably most relevant if ur the poor sucker who is forced to tell the great man that his work needs improvement.


In women or significantly younger men I find it more expected to look at them square on but in reality I don’t normally bother to turn my head away from the computer and I just let them talk to my back so they get the clue I’m busy. But otherwise they would nabber on about their weekend their kids their sports... and really isn’t that just stealing? I mean they’re meant to be working!! !

If u must make friends the quickest way to do is to say “I’m going to get a coffee want to come” in an office situation (make sure u offer to pay for the coffee unless it’s an older white man in which that would be rude! But u should pay for ur own or offer).
I wouldn’t have a clue how to make a friend outside of work sorry not helpful I know... the only other friends I have is from being forced to co ordinate charity things (out of guilt) and they just started asking me to things. I keep a mental list of the things they are interested in and write down their children’s names husbands names where they work etc force myself to watch tv shows they recommend. Remember their children’s birthdays etc etc general hell.

It’s a lot of work having friends, I’m not sure I necessarily like all of mine and I’m pretty sure I’m not doing it right...

Also don’t you think it takes great tolerance? we do this thing here where people thrust their food onto u, like u both get separate meals then they insist u try theirs it’s sooooo ridiculous if I wanted that meal I would have ordered it (don’t say that apparently that’s greatly offensive).

Let me know how u go! It’s very interesting! There must be some formula for it.

I know if u want a husband they say to wear a skirt, eat an apple and carry a book (not a self help book) lol

Eye contact seems to be a big one for NTs and I've found that if you don't make eye contact they really take great offense to that for reasons unknown. This is something I've struggled greatly with and it usually puts off most NTs in the extreme. Something about not acknowledging them and their massive egos?

It's for really pathetic reasons I'm sure.

Yes I agree, if you don't acknowledge NT's they are likely not to want to engage with you and think you are not interested. Eye contact says you are ready for some kind of exchange - you are psychologically locked on.

Social cues are very difficult for a lot of people here. I learned a lot from a college course and being around a consistent group of people on a weekly basis. We were all 'forced' to engage with each other and use relationship skills as part of our training. We were scrutinised and assessed weekly and gave each other feedback all of the time.

Some of the feedback was from a response in conversation, some direct feedback upon our 'performance' by the tutors. These were mainly NT's (I suspected at least one was worthy of an assessment for ASD) and they found it just as hard as me at times. Not all NT's find social cues and relating easy.

I didn't know I had ASD until about 4 years into my training, which was very relational. I remember being told I could be quite direct, repetative ums and ahs, used too many words and missed a cue now and then. But I also remember being told about the more desirable qualities I had such as good problem solving, nice soft tone, soft eye contact and good listening without too many questions.

I think we can get into a trap of noticing the thing we are not so good at and not embracing and celebrating the things we are good at. I have gone off track here a little (something else I have to watch out for).

But NT's do suffer with the same problems we do and yes they can be sensitive to not being attended to.