How have you experienced adulthood?

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1. Romance
2. Marriage
3. Children
4. Career
5. Home Ownership
6. Friends

I’m still striving for romance and friends but not marriage, children, career, or home ownership. I seem to have given up on achieving the benchmarks of middle class adulthood. It strikes me that 2-5 are the benchmarks that can only be achieved through a steady income, which has all but disappeared as a prospect. It seems that I’ve settled into a kept perpetual adolescence- seeking dates, friends, and buying toys. I came across the term waithood, which actually describes college graduates in the Middle East that are waiting for their adulthood (2-5) to finally begin. It kind of perfectly describes how I have experienced my adulthood for the last 25 years.

How many of these benchmarks are you still striving for? Which ones have you given up on?

My wife owns our home more than I own our home.

I don't have any kids.

I've experienced some aspects of adulthood.

Who made the rule these have to be everyone's goals?
1. Romance - not interested
2. Marriage - was a good experiment but glad it ended after 2 years; no longer interested
3. Children - not interested
4. Career - working on it
5. Home Ownership - achieved it
6. Friends - prefer to have friendly acquaintances, which I have online

I'll add my personal goals:
7. Create a Positive Legacy (other than DNA) - with a group or on your own
8. Work towards optimism (focus & work on improving abilities & interests, rather than being upset by disabilities)
9. Be as healthy as I can & try not to do things that would only feel good in the moment (like over eat holiday food)
10. Share some of my achievements (through the whole process) freely to inspire others, even though it is difficult & scary for me to do

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I am much older than most members here. Biography: achieved all of your 6 and more. Never gave up on any of them. Faced considerable adversity at most earlier stages of my life in one way or another, some of it caused by my own unawareness of ASD and some by events beyond my control. I always had goals and still set and work toward a new set of goals now, in my retirement years. Almost as busy at this stage as all the previous years, ages and stages. I realise I have a lot to be grateful for, not least the faith in me that one close friend always had.

Actually, I think you’re not alone in having this objection but our society kind of perpetuates this model- even when they expand it to same sex couples. It appears that you’ve given up 1-3 but achieved 5, which is, really, the most important on the list. Without a base achieving anything permanent is quite difficult.

I once paid rent to my girlfriend, who owned the condo. The sins of waithood.

I think giving up & not being interested are different mind sets. I don't feel as if I gave up on romance, marriage, or children, because they are not what I've ever pursued. I was married, but I didn't pursue it -- he pursued me & made me feel I didn't have a choice (was very young, naive, & had a bad life). My goals have always been to earn as much money as I could, own a small house (always imagined myself living alone), own lots of tools that I can use for home improvement projects (am currently creating 2 workshops), & be college educated (achieved & still take classes). We all can choose to pursue what we want, but it is a risk. I divorced risking being homeless -- I was mentally unstable before I learned about having HFA. Was in & out of mental hospitals for 2 years & then homeless for a year before I decided what I wanted to do. The first step was to find a safe place to live. After I achieved that, I was able to achieve college education, accumulated tools slowly, & now I have everything I ever wanted -- but I had to work toward it myself. The only way I was able to do it was because of the social services paying me disability, because no one would hire me, even though I am an awesome worker. Even now, I can't even get an interview.

I scored 3 out of 6

I'm at 2 out of 6

1. Romance - Not interested
2. Marriage - Not interested
3. Children - Not interested
4. Career - Yes
5. Home Ownership - Not possible because I'm working class
6. Friends - I have three good friends who accept me as I am.

I'm not interested in any of the aspects of a traditional relationship or family. Between a traditional cis-family and my German helmets, I choose my helmets. I'm wiling to live a life without a partner if that's what it takes to have my freedom.

I am in fact currently experiencing adulthood now.
As for society's goals ... I believe I could have had them all.
The fact I haven't, I do not blame on autism.
Instead, I take responsibility for choosing to remain true to my conscience and beliefs rather than being popular.

1) Romance -- Yes ... and, while staying true to my religious beliefs.
2) Marriage -- No, romance did not turn into marriage because he did not share my religious beliefs.
3) Children -- No. See above.
4) Career -- Yes ... currently I'm a tech writer contractor and an artist selling my artwork, with a painting in an art gallery, in between day jobs. Standing up for your beliefs can cost you in the workplace, too. Standing up for your beliefs can include simply doing your job without swearing or getting drunk like the popular people do. We live in a sad world.
5) Home Ownership -- No. Based on my circumstances, I've chosen an apartment even though more than once people have suggested I buy a home. Anyone who seriously wants me to buy a home is more than welcome to set up a gofundme account for it.
6) Friends -- Yes. Lost my best friend to heart disease years ago. Another good friend died this past year. Currently I hang out sometimes with a couple of casual friends, and consider my art instructor a friend because she's gone way above and beyond being a teacher and has helped change my life for the better!

7) Bucket List Accomplishments -- Yes. I successfully performed a standup comedy routine live and on stage for three minutes, earning laughter and applause. (Now why can't I transfer this success to normal, everyday social skills? ) Also, I've visited the Smoky Mountains ... more than once. As for art, I'm new to painting but have already won Best of Show for one painting (which I sold) and an Honorable Mention for another. Have had previous success in art galleries, museums, and solo shows with fine art photography.

So, have I experienced adulthood? Yes.
Have I experienced stereotypical adulthood? Not entirely.
So what?

^ Right on. You did it your way.

1. Romance - nope
2. Marriage - failure at #1 precludes #2
3. Children - failure at #1 precludes #3
4. Career - stereotypically, a computer programmer. I'd be doing it for free if I wasn't getting paid for it so I got lucky there.
5. Home Ownership - didn't need much down thanks to a first time homeowners program. I pay as much on my mortgage is I would in rent, and get tax breaks. It seemed like a no-brainer.
6. Friends - nope

I gave up on one two and three. I still hope for 6, but people mostly suck.

Thank you very much, B19 ...

And I'm impressed by your achieving all the normal goals. It sounds like you've been inspired along the way and you're now passing along that inspiration to others, including us!

Literally 0 out of 6.

Thank you for your kind comment the_phoenix.

I would like to add these comments to young men who feel discouraged:

- remember that young men take longer to fully mature than young women (this includes brain development)
- remember that late or later blooming is quite common for people on the spectrum (see Tony Attwood comments)
- remember that many - perhaps the majority of - female aspies of all ages are much better at passing than AS men are, and females both NT and AS have more social skills as a general rule than AS men.

These gender advantages no doubt play some part in the greater achievement of conventional goals associated with adulthood by women on the spectrum, not that they are achieved without having to negotiate challenges. Not all AS women have these advantages.

The friend who always believed in me was also a mentor. I have had two NT mentors in my adult life - one taught me how to lobby effectively for law changes, and the other, how to pass more effectively. I owe an enormous amount to both in terms of my own achievements. I was relatively young then, not yet 40.

It's my perception that mentorship is far more needed by AS males than more research that costs millions and reaps no or little benefit for the membership here. NTs flourish in early adulthood because they have NT systems and institutions tailored to their needs and their neurotype. This makes mentorship for the neurodiverse a number one priority. The money wasted on normalisation is a tragedy in my opinion. It serves the needs of the people who profit from it, and the institutions whose goals promote it.

The key is to find your own personal best and aim to become the best you can be, playing to your strengths. Don't measure you AS talents using an NT ruler.